## [HSF][DC][WIP] "Mass" - Mass Effect, with sensible tech and interesting aliens. * Author: u/mhd-hbd *Writes 'The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake'** * URL: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YNEsFPFt38jioYZ4l-Tv3pSKnoOl0snyddSd1hirWgo/edit * Score: 5 * Created: 2014-07-20T23:58:39 ### Post: [Link to content](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YNEsFPFt38jioYZ4l-Tv3pSKnoOl0snyddSd1hirWgo/edit) ### Comments: > **u/lq1370** [+5] (4 hours later) > > I'm glad to see this here- it's something I've thought about doing myself, but didn't really have the drive to spruce up the canon. I might throw out a few thoughts. > Turians are... interestingly different, but I'm not sure why the departure from canon was necessary. Would there be lone agents or are they all cells of networked individuals by necessity? Can they telepathically communicate with other species? Will you consider the Asari telepathic also? I do wonder how you'll explain biotics and showcase their powers. > I found "Jarvis" pretty jarring, and it about killed my suspension of disbelief. The tech otherwise was well-enough described to hold my interest and actually *felt* futuristic. But having to verbally command an interface when you have mental implants seems like an inefficient way of doing things, and less than useful if you want to issue the necessary verbal commands while you need to remain undiscovered. > The dialogue is a little bit unnatural, in my opinion - I would be quite fine with more contractions. There's some capitalization errors, but that's a quick edit and something that didn't bother me overmuch. > I have to wonder if you're planning on following the plot and forcing it to make more sense or if you're optimizing it. I always dropped my suspension of disbelief around the part where an audio file is sufficient evidence to conduct a manhunt, Shepard is convinced with minimal evidence that there is an evil plot to destroy galactic order, and the Council is ever unwilling to update on new information with only the hand-waviest excuses given (it's politics, they're not allowed to take potential existential threats seriously, that's all!) > I did feel like, overall, the introduction was less boring than actually playing the tutorial would be after the first time. Plus, mechs just make more sense for a small strike force, though I want to know how you use them without being seen. Or heard. Or detected electronically. > But in all, I hope something interesting and sensible can come out of this. If I may ask, have you written any more on this? >> **u/mhd-hbd** [+2] *Writes 'The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake'* (6 hours later) >> >> Thank you for such a comprehensive critique. >> >> Turians are by necessity groups, and their brainy-wainy isn't an at-will ability, most non-turian telepaths that connect with them "see" a seemingly larger mind. The departure from canon is necessary to avoid acute rubber-forehead alien syndrome. I will show what happens when you start killing turians soon-ish. >> >> The Asari are strong telepaths and other forms of psychics. >> >> Will find a better name for the combat VI. Verbal commands too needs to go; I agree. >> >> Plot direction is undecided but the same basically-cannon event-patterns happen. >> >> And "sufficient evidence to support a manhunt" is Shep and crew scavenging the ruins of Eden Prime for a week, and the "witness" caught it on his iPhone equivalent. >> >> And yeah, I need to drop more "designed to have with minimal radar cross section"s in my descriptions. >> >> Lastly, no. I started writing two days ago. >>> **u/lq1370** [+3] (6 hours later) >>> >>> I think that reply has satisfied just about all my concerns. I look forward to the personalities, decision moments and existential horror to come! Best of luck. > **u/rationalidurr** [+1] *If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!* (5 days later) > > More of this please, especially the working and detailed technology presentations. Also I am assuming that Shepard is an engineer class because of personal programming and drones use? Point of note though current drone technology allows anyone to carry a pocket sized, easy to maneuver flying robot, no reason why in the future a more efficient, video transmitting version couldn't be used by every soldier. Great use of the cover cam, wish the enemy was a bit more competent though. >> **u/mhd-hbd** [+1] *Writes 'The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake'* (8 days later) >> >> I am currently working on putting a bit more into the chracters, maybe rewriting to first-person. So it might be on hiatus for a few more days (while I binge Worm for inspiration.) >> >> As for the classes, I am tossing them clear out the window. Might add more scouting drones. >> >> And if I give the Geth any more competence, they will FOOM. I am pegging them as VI-level things, reasons are spoilery. >>> **u/rationalidurr** [+1] *If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!* (9 days later) >>> >>> > While I binge Worm for inspiration. >>> >>> Worm is less prep time and active munchkin and more under pressure thinking with sometimes disastrous consequences. If you intend to write trained and coordinated military perspective, then I recommend not using Worm as a point of reference. What is FOOM acronym of? google gives nothing usefull. >>>> **u/mhd-hbd** [+1] *Writes 'The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake'* (10 days later) >>>> >>>> FOOM is an oneomatopoeia, the noise the singularity makes. And yes, I don't intend to use worm as inspiration, I am just rationalising my procrastinating. >>>> >>>> For the most part I am thinking of having the characters meticulously plan how to have superior firepower and cover. Oh, and lots of politics and investigating of course. >>>> >>>> Also, experimenting with rewriting in first person: [[link]](https://docs.google.com/document/d/147EXWdiLHEyignDRu0TyNPQySZkNYMXGJIl0NLQB5pk/edit) ---