## [RT] [FF] Pokemon: The Origin of Species, Chapter 31 - Distractions * Author: u/DaystarEld *Pokémon Professor** * URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794740/31/Pokemon-The-Origin-of-Species * Score: 47 * Created: 2016-05-01T10:57:13 ### Post: [Link to content](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794740/31/Pokemon-The-Origin-of-Species) ### Comments: > **u/None** [+17] (4 hours later) > > It's mildly possible that I am just wired on coffee, but I think this chapter was your best! It was exciting, dramatic, and clear what was going on at all times. Favourite quotes: > > >"That's what makes renegades so scary, isn't it? They don't walk around with a big red R on their shirt. Anyone could be one." > > (Very HPMoR, by the way--a mild jab at canon that also epitomises how your story is different.) > > >"Fire and fungi. Bugs and birds. Poison and paras. Simple equations with obvious outcomes, if the variables are anywhere near even. [...]" > > And finally the quote by Giovanni at the end. World building! Drama! Only one slight critique on that. "[T]here was once a wealthy province where petty crime ran rampant[...]" sounds weak, like a mythology rather than an actual historic event. The passive phrasing gives it that feeling. I'd recommend having Giovanni more specific as to the event/time period to give it historical credence. >> **u/VivaLaPandaReddit** [+6] (6 hours later) >> >> Your interpretation might be correct though, it could just be a parable. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+5] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >> >> Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! >> >> As /u/VivaLaPandaReddit said, it's meant to sound like a parable because it is one, but I might edit it later :) >>> **u/None** [+6] (9 hours later) >>> >>> Or perhaps call it specifically "The Parable of the X" or something. >>> >>> Also wanted to comment on some reviews you got. >>> >>> >I cannot imagine any 11 year olds with the kind of minds your characters seem to possess. Precocious 15 year olds, perhaps, but not 11 year olds. Even if their circumstances forced them to mature faster. Pardon me for this, but maybe you're putting in a bit of "I wish this is how I could react to this situation" as opposed to "This is a reasonable 11 year old's response to this situation". Just my opinion, but if you agree with me, I think this story would make more sense by having them set out on their journey at 14 or 15. I just can't imagine parents sending out their kids into near certain death at the age of 11. >>> >>> This is silly. Canon states that ten year olds go out into the world on Pokemon journeys. You don't have to explain or justify that anymore than you have to explain or justify the existence of Pokeballs. (Long-term backpacking in real life also tends to leave one looking, smelling, and often feeling like the victim of some bizarre and horrifically violent sexual crime, but it's canon that this isn't true in the Pokemon universe. So as long as you don't go jumping around pointing at it and making it a plot point or something, it doesn't distract/detract from the story.) My little brother is nine and the idea of him going out alone is laughable (he probably wouldn't even be able to carry all the things he needs in a backpack; that'a difficult even for fully-grown adults), but that's not the universe your characters live in. >>> >>> So you have the choice of either making the environment so unchallenging that a ten year old could do it, or making your ten year olds mature enough to do it, or retconning canon. You chose the right option IMO. (It's definitely the most frequently chosen option by fanfic writers.) >>> >>> Literary characters also don't have to speak and act in a perfectly realistic way; that would get boring quickly. Just don't make a big deal out of it by having other characters continuously point out how mature they are, or something. (Your characters can be exceptionally precocious even in canon, sure, but the basics of taking a pokemon journey and all the life skills that entails shouldn't be remarkable. And you haven't treated it as remarkable thus far, so I don't know what this reviewer is talking about.) And they wouldn't be so much more believable just because they're a few years older, anyway. (Actually I think a lot of people take a dip in maturity around 13/14/15 as they are faced with a lot of new emotions and impulses. Having them be 10/11 is a great way to curb the idea that this will be a story with romantic relationships and sexual drama. Actually, the only good reason I can think of for changing the characters into teenagers is because you wanted to write a story with relationships and sexual drama.) >>> >>> Also as for the other review by the same commentator about the science/rationality exposition dumps--well, that's part of why I *love* the story, so my two cents are to leave those in. >>> >>> Thanks again for another great chapter. I loved the plot development. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+10] *Pokémon Professor* (10 hours later) >>>> >>>> Yeah, I wish that person signed in so I could respond to them directly. >>>> >>>> I'm actually of two minds on this. On the one hand, I'm perfectly fine saying that environmental pressures have made humans in the pokemon world a standard deviation more mature and intelligent than they would be in our world... any kids that didn't treat pokemon like the deadly monsters they are would not have survived the dark ages before pokeballs were invented. >>>> >>>> On the other hand, I honestly do believe that kids, even in our world, raised in certain circumstances, can grow to be as mature as their environment dictates. There are child soldiers in war torn countries that are forced to fight at the age Red and Blue and Leaf are. Throughout history, boys in particularly military cultures have been trained to fight and kill since pre-adolescence. >>>> >>>> Whether these are the healthiest or best ways to raise children is obviously a different question. But when humanity's survival relies on training children to be soldiers, they're sure as hell going to be more mature than 21st century western 11 year olds. >>>> >>>> As for intelligence, Red, Blue and Leaf are all gifted youngsters, even among their peers. Perhaps that doesn't account for ALL their intelligence, but I work with kids, and every once in awhile I'll meet an 11 or 12 year old who's more intelligent and well spoken than their older siblings and parents. >>>> >>>> They're not typical kids, but to me they're realistic enough :) >>>>> **u/None** [+5] (9 days later) >>>>> >>>>> You know, sorry to ping you on an old thread, but something happened today to me that really made what you said ring true. I am traveling right now in India, and I met a kid, a ten year old, who took me around and showed me things in the area of the city we're in. He frankly was more street-smart and seemed more inwardly strong than I am (in a way that became even more heartbreaking when he offered to perform sexual acts in exchange for money). He also I guess emotionally manipulated me like a violin even though I was totally aware what he was doing. I am sort of out of sorts over this, but it made your comment about ten year olds acting so adult-like in a war-torn society all the more believable. >>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (9 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> That sounds rough. It's definitely something a lot of people who grow up in Western countries don't really think about and have a hard time grokking, and learning it first-hand can be jarring for many. Hope your India trip goes well! > **u/empocariam** [+12] (8 hours later) > > The excerpt at the end implies to me that this world's "Team Rocket" is going to be Giovanni's private gang of renegades. I admire his forsight, I can imagine blog posts like these are useful propaganda after being "exposed." He can argue that he was attempting to reform a corrupt criminal justice system, give the unfairly persecuted a chance at meaningful work. And if he spins the organization as primarily a "theives guild," he has a literal 'historic' justification to argue that it is better to have been organzied theives than lawless murderers. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+13] *Pokémon Professor* (8 hours later) >> >> Aren't competent antagonists fun? :) >>> **u/PeridexisErrant** [+12] *put aside fear for courage, and death for life* (19 hours later) >>> >>> No, no, no. *Reading about* competent characters is fun, *having* a competent antagonist is not. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+10] *Pokémon Professor* (19 hours later) >>>> >>>> Oh come on, surely part of you would get some pride and excitement out of having a competent foe, rather than just the mundane and petty kind! >>>> >>>> Am I right, fellas? Eh? Anyone? ...Just me, then? >>>> >>>> Granted, I've never had a real life arch-nemesis, so I'm just drawing off of experience with games :P Especially tabletop: nothing is more exciting at the RPG table than a smart DM that can craft an intelligent and competent foe. >>>>> **u/The_Magus_199** [+5] *Ankh-Morpork City Watch* (2 days later) >>>>> >>>>> Having competent foes is fun *so long as* their competence doesn't actually negatively affect you in the real world. :P >>>>> >>>>> I mean, trying to outsmart an intelligent GM is fun, but I'm definitely glad I don't have any intelligent people trying to kill me in real life, you know? >>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+3] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> Yep. Life is hard enough as it is: if I ever need that much excitement, I'll try sky diving first. >>>> **u/philip1201** [+1] (a day later) >>>> >>>> If you prefer the challenges you face to be inanimate, that's fine, but you would get bored pretty quickly without challenge. >>> **u/daydev** [+2] (a day later) >>> >>> Funny thing is, until I saw this comment I didn't make the connection that it's from an antagonist. Because a) I think I've seen this parable somewhere, I don't remember where, "for reals" as an illustration why "all crimes are the same" is counter-productive. And b) he has a point in this case in my opinion. It would be understandable if committing a crime using Pokemon (any crime, murder, arson, jaywalking) was seen as a serious aggravating circumstance, but to make it into its own kind of evil outside the normal justice? Maybe I'm not grasping properly the mindset of a world filled with monster and without effective means to fight them until recently, but on the other hand there's already a "Pokemon lives matter" sentiment (as represented by Leaf). >>> >>> Edit: I don't know how faithful to canon this presentation on Renegades, and their treatment by society is. I have only fuzzy memories about team Rocket from the animation series I watched years ago. I've no other exposure to Pokemon canon except Pop-Cultural Osmosis. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+4] *Pokémon Professor* (a day later) >>>> >>>> I definitely took the parable from somewhere, but I can't for the life of me remember where. I did some quick googling to try and find it, but it was probably somewhere on LessWrong or SlateStarCodex about perverse incentives. >>>> >>>> In any case, "antagonist" might be too strong a word :) I purposefully avoided "villain," but even if I hadn't, remember that just because someone's values don't align with the protagonist/hero doesn't mean they're wrong about everything. >>>> >>>> It's pretty much not faithful at all to any of the canons I'm aware of. The anime's response to Team Rocket was to treat them as mostly a nuisance, and the games never show any comeuppance for the various evil teams' criminal acts: for the most part they just lose their battles and leave of their own volition, or lose the "heart" to do villainy, as if they didn't just try to destroy the planet or take over the world or whatever, and society wouldn't maybe take some steps to ensure that they're not going to do so again. >>> **u/Galap** [+1] (14 days later) >>> >>> The comment about renegades not wearing a big R is hilariously ironic. You really had me laughing there. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (14 days later) >>>> >>>> I was grinning when I thought of it, so glad to hear others enjoyed it too ;) > **u/DaystarEld** [+10] *Pokémon Professor* (3 minutes later) > > Hey guys, welcome back! Super long chapter to make up for last month's brevity. Couple of notes: First, my website is almost ready to go, and patrons are going to get a sneak peek sometime this month. Thanks to everyone for your continued support! > > Second, I'm in the last planning stages of a podcast on rationalist writing, which I'm pretty excited about. Episode topics will include everything from rational writing tips and discussion to reviews of media, rational or not, as well as feedback for listener's work, eventually. My co-host /u/alexanderwales and I have a lot to talk about on the subject, but any suggestions on specifics you'd like to hear about can be added to The List! > > And finally, once again, if you leave a review that expects or justifies a response, please make an account and log in first! I don't mind anonymous reviews at all, but I've gotten some great reviews full of excellent questions and critiques that were sadly posted by guest accounts, preventing me from replying. I appreciate every review you guys leave, especially the long and detailed ones, so give me the chance to at least say thanks in return! > > That's it for now. Hope you enjoy the chapter, and stay tuned in at /r/rational for updates on the website or podcast later this month! >> **u/Cariyaga** [+1] *Kyubey did nothing wrong* (4 hours later) >> >> Who is your cohost? Do you plan to have any guests (in the form of other ratfic authors)? >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+3] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >>> >>> /u/alexanderwales is the cohost, and guests are something that I can definitely see happening. >>>> **u/elevul** [+2] *Cyoria Observer* (a day later) >>>> >>>> Nice! Please put it on soundcloud! >>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>> >>>>> I'll be sure to look into that when we get around to kicking it off :) >>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+2] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> I'm so excited about this. Suddenly there will be 3 rationalist podcasts! (Well, 4 counting Rationally Speaking) >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> I know Bayesian Conspiracy (just started listening, pretty great), what's the third? (Other than Rationally Speaking) >>>>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+2] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>> [Future Strategist](https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/future-strategist/id1090750347?mt=2) by James Miller. It's kind of unfocused so far, with episodes about rationality topics, interviews with various people, and a debate on free trade. It's a rationalist podcast in the sense that the host is a LWer (and an economist), and this shines through in the choice of topics and guests, and in the kinds of arguments he makes. The interviews and debates were very interesting, and I imagine it will gain a bit of focus as it matures. >>>>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>> Cool, I'll check that out when I finish my current listening list. Thanks! >>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (a month later) >>>>> >>>>> So it turns out, Soundcloud charges monthly for unlimited uploads: the free accounts only allow 180 minutes, which is maybe 5 episodes of our podcast if the first's length is any indication. I don't know if the podcast is going to be big enough to warrant the Pro account that would be necessary to host the whole thing there : / >>>>>> **u/elevul** [+1] *Cyoria Observer* (a month later) >>>>>> >>>>>> Pity. :( >>>>>> >>>>>> So I guess it's lybsin in the end? >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (a month later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Libsyn charges too, 15 a month for a weekly podcast. Looking into free alternatives for now. >>>>>>>> **u/elevul** [+1] *Cyoria Observer* (a month later) >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>> As long as it's not itunes... >>>>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (a month later) >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>> itunes doesn't host apparently, it's just a place to list podcasts for people to listen through. It won't be the only option though. > **u/diraniola** [+8] (8 hours later) > > Is it just me, or does Red have trouble keeping pokemon alive? It seems like he's lost at least one in every major conflict they've been in. I know that it's a small sample size, with only the 'chu rampage and the paras rampage so far, but it does seem to be a trend. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+9] *Pokémon Professor* (8 hours later) >> >> To be fair, the hoothoot wasn't really his fault :) But yes, most trainers have trouble keeping all their pokemon alive through major threats. I see the world of pokemon as an inherently dangerous place, as the whole point of raising pokemon to fight is to help keep trainers alive against deadly forces. >>> **u/Lugnut1206** [+3] (3 days later) >>> >>> This is much better than the pokemon being glorified fighting dogs. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+3] *Pokémon Professor* (3 days later) >>>> >>>> Right? How downplayed the threats of the world are is something that always bothered me about the anime or games. >>> **u/noggin-scratcher** [+3] *I am a happy tree* (4 days later) >>> >>> It occurs to me that this is essentially the world that a Nuzlocke run attempts to simulate. Even down to the rule about always naming your Pokemon. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+5] *Pokémon Professor* (4 days later) >>>> >>>> Yeah. The concept of Nuzlocke is so popular not just for a "hard mode," but because there's a great demand for more mature and realistic pokemon experiences. The idea of pokemon "fainting" after getting blasted by a flamethrower or slammed by a 2 ton rock monster is ridiculous even to children. >> **u/empocariam** [+8] (8 hours later) >> >> I think its a combination of two factors. I imagine even top tier trainers like rangers or ACEs lose quite a few "fodder" pokemon like spearows and rattattas, which creates a bottleneck like effect, resulting in only the incredibly skilled Fearows making the cut, or they end up with ridiculously powerful monsters like Charizards. >> Also, Red's speciality was never Pokémon battling, he is primarily a researcher who by the necissity of travel, must put some effort into battling just to survive. > **u/LazarusRises** [+6] (8 hours later) > > Quick question... why was it necessary to exterminate the parasect? Seems like that was most of the population in the mountain, meaning this could amount to regional genocide. Wouldn't it have been safer for people and pokemon to just let them spread? Unless I'm mistaken there aren't many settlements near Mount Moon, and the parasect weren't a direct threat to the mining operation. > > Love the introduction of Renegades, and the poke at Team Rocket ("They don't walk around with a big red R on their shirt.") Giovanni's blog at the end was particularly well-written. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+9] *Pokémon Professor* (8 hours later) >> >> The paras colony will occasionally go on spreading sprees that can balloon their population out of control. This was indeed quite a lot of paras that got killed, which is unfortunate from an ecological standpoint, but they would have simply spread over the entire mountain if left unchecked and done their own damage to local species that would get displaced into nearby areas and do their own disruption and so on. >> >> Natural predators and lack of sufficient nutrients would eventually shrink the colony's population to a more normal size once their spore season was over, but that can take months of the mountain side being dangerously inhospitable and even harder to pass through. >> >> The mountain is fairly large though, and there are other colonies in it. >>> **u/LazarusRises** [+1] (9 hours later) >>> >>> Got it. Thank you for the thoughtful reply! >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (19 hours later) >>>> >>>> Anytime! > **u/iaido22** [+5] (a day later) > > Another excellent chapter, I get bummed at the end of every one. > > This chapter had me think of Charmander in the show flaming Exeggutor and got me wondering on how exactly you will handle evolution. Look forward to finding out. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (a day later) >> >> Thanks, glad you liked it! >> **u/Mizu25** [+1] (5 days later) >> >> > got me wondering on how exactly you will handle evolution. >> >> I'm wondering if Daystar shall point out it's moreso a form of metamorphosis, myself. Unless he already did in a prior chapter? >>> **u/iaido22** [+1] (6 days later) >>> >>> Green mentions in an earlier chapter that Blues pidgey is close to evolution because of its longer head crest, but I don't think it detailed any further than that. So while it could just be a gradual change as a pokemon ages, I think it might be hard to differentiate between say a pidgey and a pidgeotto clearly. >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (6 days later) >>> >>> Red mentions the fact that "metamorphosis" is the word that fits it better, but that "evolution" has become the colloquial term used, back in chapter 3 when he was making a similar point about "Grass Type" instead of "Plant Type" becoming the dominant term. > **u/DerSaidin** [+4] (4 hours later) > > Nice chapter! >> **u/DaystarEld** [+3] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >> >> Thank you! > **u/FletchMaster26** [+5] (a day later) > > Hi there, I came across this story a little over month ago, caught up and can't wait for more! > > Just a quick question, I know the Fairy type has been brought up but what are your thoughts on Mega Evolution? I understand if/why it's not in the story, but I'm curious as to how you'd try to rationally explain or work around the "strong bond" needed to activate it. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+7] *Pokémon Professor* (a day later) >> >> Thanks, glad you're enjoying it! >> >> I think the bond in Mega Evolution would probably be more sentiment than anything: as far as I'm aware, there hasn't been anyone in the games or anime that had both power stones but weren't able to mega evolve their pokemon. I would be happy to make it canon if, for example, the games won't let you mega evolve a pokemon without a certain level of friendship or hearts, but since you can just catch or get traded a pokemon and mega-evolve them right away with the right stones, I don't see any reason to think it's true. >>> **u/Rouninscholar** [+3] (2 days later) >>> >>> On thinking of this, if it induced an emotional or mental change with the pokemon, be it rage, or giddyness, or the feeling of being almost all powerful. Then it might be that anyone in the know keeps them out if the hands of trainers who aren't capable, that pokemon become harder to control when it happens and for some time after. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+4] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>> >>>> That makes sense too: I like the idea of a shadowy coven of Mega Evolution stone holders, being careful about whom they release the stones to and judging trainers by their bond with their pokemon :) I might actually hint toward that way later in the story... If so, give me a name you'd like me to use to give you a shoutout! > **u/None** [+5] (2 days later) > > [deleted] >> **u/DaystarEld** [+6] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >> >> Honestly I still call shenanigans on the level of human flourishing that would be achievable in a pokemon world, but it's still fun to play in and write about :) Glad you enjoyed it! >>> **u/The_Magus_199** [+1] *Ankh-Morpork City Watch* (2 days later) >>> >>> Maybe the Sinnoh legends of Pokemon deciding to help humans are actually more literal than we thought? Who knows. I must say that I rather like the overall feeling you've given the world, making it more serious and realistic without going full-on grimdark. >>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>> >>>> Maybe! And thanks :) > **u/None** [+3] (2 days later) > > And I'm a couple days late again. But I've got to drop in and say great job. Fantastic chapter with the right mix of drama and action, combined with points of tension spread just far enough to keep it compelling but not too far that any of it felt like you had drawn the pace out. > > I really enjoy seeing your take on realistic challenges presented by the different species of Pokemon. It's refreshing to see how Pokemon as weak as paras in game can be a disaster under the right circumstances. Too many writers require a horde of gyarados before its called an emergency. > > With regards to your Renegades, are they investigated and tried in a court like in the world we know? Or are they just labelled as that and the word spreads to be careful of them? And if it is some kind of official crime, what kind of punishment do they recieve? You mentioned Hunters. Would that be like a bounty hunter type job? > > Again great chapter! >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >> >> Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! >> >> >Or are they just labelled as that and the word spreads to be careful of them? And if it is some kind of official crime, what kind of punishment do they recieve? You mentioned Hunters. Would that be like a bounty hunter type job? >> >> There's a Most Wanted list in each region for confirmed renegades from there or neighboring regions. They're wanted dead or alive, and they rarely see the inside of a court room: if found guilty there's just one punishment, and to be taken alive they would have to essentially surrender upon being caught. The few who do are sometimes acquitted, most being those trainers who turn themselves in asserting that it was a mistake or misunderstanding. >> >> Hunters are indeed bounty hunters, but a bit more official: anyone can join the hunt for a confirmed Renegade, but a Hunter is given license to train their pokemon specifically to attack people. They're known to attract a mixed type of person, and are sometime seen by police and Rangers as barely more than renegades themselves: "A gyarados in a ball is still a gyarados." > **u/jldew** [+2] (9 hours later) > > I'm glad somebody finally included the factor that the paras breed like something out of the Last of Us. I'm guessing Red's spearow is KIA as well? >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (10 hours later) >> >> Yep :( > **u/Ristridin1** [+2] (2 days later) > > > Stupid, she said to say something if you're *not* clear. > > Not so stupid; those who are *not* clear would be the ones most likely to be *unable* to respond. > The original question might be considered badly/stupidly phrased though. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+4] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >> >> That makes sense until you consider that their priority is not those who can't respond: the cloud is going whether they're in the way or not, but they don't have time for any rescue attempts, and at the very most they can give an extra 10-20 seconds if there's someone in the path that is almost clear. > **u/erich10109** [+2] (15 days later) > > Hey I've got a big comment for you man! I found your fanfic online a while back, and I had never read one before so I though: "okay,I'll dabble and just see if I like it." well, 31 chapters later I can't get enough! I have seriously fallen in love with this! I can't begin to explain my disappointment when I got to chapter 29... When, in the top section you said "Sun and Moon Hype!" My heart sank.... "Sun and Moon? But that means this was written extremely recently! But the story isn't over! And that means I have to wait to see how my new favorite story is going to pan out!"..... Though as much as that pained me, I am still in love with this story, I seriously love the realism aspect that the story is lased with inside and out, it's not just a pokemon story and that makes it **seriously** unique and just fantastic! There aren't just battles at stakes, there are lives! Good heavens chapter 31 made me feel like I was in an episode of the Walking Dead! (that's a compliment, if you aren't a fan of it) All in all, You've found a new fan in me and if I have to wait for every new chapter you better believe I'm gonna do it! >> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (15 days later) >> >> Thank you, I'm glad to hear you've been enjoying it so much! It feels great to introduce someone to the world of fanfiction in a way that I was too: a rationalist fiction :) If you're impatient for the next chapter and want to read something similar meanwhile, check out [my other story on fanfiction](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9676374/1/Daystar-s-Remix-of-Rationality): it's a re-write of the first 4 chapters of Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, which was one of the major inspirations for this story. If you like those 4 chapters, you can find the rest of the story (written by the original author) here: >> >> http://hpmor.com/chapter/5 >> >> Hope you enjoy it! >> >> Out of curiosity, where did you run across my story if you weren't frequenting fanfiction before? Was it somewhere else on reddit, or a different site? > **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (3 minutes later) > > Typo thread here! >> **u/None** [+6] (2 hours later) >> >> Ok, this one is cool. Some minor things- you cant seem to decide weather or not to capitalize renegades,and its inconsistent Throughout the text. Blue and Red don't seem too, while everyone else does. >> >> Not a typo, but I couldn't stop laughing at the "walk around with an R on their shirt" >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >>> >>> Fixed, thanks! I even went back to some previous chapters to make sure it's all capitalized now :) >> **u/ZeroNihilist** [+3] (10 hours later) >> >> > and send **a** two more tumbling >> >> Superfluous "a". >> >> > and **think** of ways to end it. >> >> Should be "thinks". >> >> > and immediately **feel** dry >> >> Should be "feels". >> >> > He's about to ask if ***she*'*s*** >> >> Apostrophe isn't italicised. >> >> Incidentally, reddit wasn't happy with the formatting `***she*'*s***` (i.e. "bold all, italicise all but the apostrophe"), so I had to insert `` (an undefined symbol with no representation in the HTML standard) to get it to parse correctly. >> >> > "**Ylright**?" >> >> Maybe meant to be "Alright?" or "Y'alright?". >> >> > torn out of the side. **Broken** "Said >> >> Missing period, or superfluous sentence. >> >> > "**Who's** side >> >> Should be "Whose". >> >> > "Just **incase** >> >> Missing space. >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (19 hours later) >>> >>> All fixed, except for "Ylright" which was meant to sound as garbled as it's read :) Thanks for your efforts, especially regarding the formatting difficulties! >> **u/None** [+1] (4 hours later) >> >> The last sentence "..interested in being around when Mr Mori to wake up," seems off to me. >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >>> >>> Changed it a bit, thanks! >> **u/Saffrin-chan** [+1] (5 hours later) >> >> >With the obscuration out of the way, they can see the dozens of crimson paras and parasect crawling over the mountain in an outward waves, emitting a new fog of spores as they go." >> >> You put a quote at the end of this sentence. >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (7 hours later) >>> >>> Fixed, thanks! >> **u/LazarusRises** [+1] (8 hours later) >> >> Excellent chapter--so tense, and I always love seeing new combat mechanics. >> >> >What's are you doing? >> >> Should be "What are you doing?" >> >> >watching or any telltale signs >> >> Should be "watching for" >> >> Keep up the great work! >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (8 hours later) >>> >>> Fixed, thanks! >> **u/None** [+1] (9 hours later) >> >> "Zephyr comes down to land on Blue's shoulder, a his talons bite..." >> >> Is the a supposed to be and ? >> >> "reaches the end of the building and sees an paleontologist" >> >> a paleontologist >> >> "Soo a paras survives an ember" >> >> Probably meant soon? >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (10 hours later) >>> >>> All fixed, thanks! >>>> **u/None** [+1] (11 hours later) >>>> >>>> No problem! Keep up the good work! >>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (19 hours later) >>>>> >>>>> I'll try! >>>>>> **u/tokol** [+1] *The Greater Good* (a day later) >>>>>> >>>>>> >Zephyr comes down to land on Blue's shoulder, and his talons talons bite >>>>>> >>>>>> talons talons -> talons >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (a day later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Fixed, thanks! >> **u/tokol** [+1] *The Greater Good* (a day later) >> >> >Fire and fungi. Bugs and birds. Poison and paras. >> >> Bugs and birds. -> Birds and bugs. >> >> Not a typo, but it'd be more symmetrical to change it and fit into a "[Advantage] and [Paras-Weakness]." pattern. ;) >> >> ----- >> >> >Red's nidoran is already exhausted, his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras before he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. >> >> Confusing tense change. >>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (a day later) >>> >>> Fixed the first one, but not sure how to adjust the second: it all looks like present tense to me. Suggestions? >>>> **u/tokol** [+2] *The Greater Good* (2 days later) >>>> >>>> So, I was confused reading it, but now you've got me trying to figure out figure out exactly *why* it doesn't sound right. English grammar isn't my strong suite, but I like the challenge. :) >>>> >>>> The whole paragraph with tenses notated for reference: >>>> >(Red's nidoran is already exhausted)**[simple present (but implied present perfect?)]**, (his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras)**[present progressive]** before (he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion)**[simple present]**. (Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. Red withdraws it before the giant claws can close around its head, and an ember by Charmander swiftly engulfs the parasect.)**[simple present]** (Its flaming corpse did little to deter the red and orange swarm.)**[simple past]** >>>> >>>> After a lot of reading, [this guide](https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/04/) was the most directly applicable. The whole thing is worth a read, but some highlights: >>>> >Generally, writers maintain one tense for the main discourse and indicate changes in time frame by changing tense relative to that primary tense, which is usually either simple past or simple present. >>>> > >>>> >... >>>> > >>>> >**General guideline: Do shift tense to indicate a change in time frame from one action or state to another.** >>>> > >>>> >... >>>> > >>>> >**General guideline: Establish a primary tense for the main discourse, and use occasional shifts to other tenses to indicate changes in time frame.** >>>> > >>>> > **Examples:** >>>> >>>> > * Before they even *began* deliberations, many jury members *had reached* a verdict. >>>> >>>> >*Began* is past tense, referring to an action completed before the current time frame; *had reached* is past perfect, referring to action from a time frame before that of another past event (the action of reaching was completed before the action of beginning.) >>>> >... >>>> > >>>> >[U]se present tense to describe action in a literary work, movie, or other fictional narrative. Occasionally, for dramatic effect, you may wish to narrate an event in present tense as though it were happening now. If you do, use present tense consistently throughout the narrative, making shifts only where appropriate. >>>> > >>>> >... >>>> > >>>> > If the primary narration is in the present tense, then the present progressive or present perfect progressive is used to indicate action that is or has been underway as some other action begins. >>>> > ... >>>> > >>>> >In general the use of perfect tenses is determined by their relationship to the tense of the primary narration. ... If the primary narration is in simple present, then action initiated before the time frame of the primary narration is described in present perfect. >>>> > >>>> > ... >>>> > >>>> > Time-orienting words and phrases like *before, after, by the time*, and others—when used to relate two or more actions in time—can be good indicators of the need for a perfect-tense verb in a sentence. >>>> > >>>> > ... >>>> > >>>> > * After everyone *had finished* (past perfect) the main course, *we offered* (past) our guests dessert. >>>> > * After everyone has finished (present perfect) the main course, *we offer* (present: habitual action) our guests dessert. >>>> >>>> After all of that, I think the primary error is using *before* to switch from *[present progressive/continuous](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Present_continuous)* to *[simple present](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simple_present)*. >>>> >>>> Keeping to your original intent and flow, my suggestion would be: >>>> >>>> Past statement. Past Perfect clause *before* Present Progressive. I think this has the clearest progression of time and action as the paragraph unfolds. >>>> >Red's nidoran was (already) exhausted. His poisonous spurs had taken out a handful of the paras before accumulating too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> Another strong option: >>>> >>>> Present Progressive sequence. This maintains the initial feeling of an action scene before moving back into narration. >>>> >Red's nidoran is getting exhausted, his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras before accumulating too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> Some other options: >>>> >>>> Past Perfect split clause *before* Present Progressive. >>>> >Red's nidoran had been exhausted, his poisonous spurs had taken out a handful of the paras before accumulating too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> Past (primary tense), Past Perfect explaining clause. This treats the first sentence as a setup to narrate events that already took place before using context to switch into present. >>>> >Red's nidoran was exhausted, his poisonous spurs had taken out a handful of the paras before he had accumulated too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> Present Perfect split clause *before* Simple Present (primary tense). Bonus: split-infinitive! >>>> >Red's nidoran has already been exhausted, his poisonous spurs has taken out a handful of the paras before he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> Present (Perfect) statement. Present Perfect clause *before* Simple Present (primary tense) >>>> >Red's nidoran is already exhausted. His poisonous spurs has taken out a handful of the paras before he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>> >>>> tldr; Read it. I spent way too much time on this. >>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>> >>>>> You did indeed spend way more time than I expected! I read it all, and thank you kindly. >>>>> >>>>> Decided to go with this: >>>>> >>>>> >Red's nidoran is already exhausted, his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras until he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, and then a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. Red withdraws it before the giant claws can close around its head, and an ember by Charmander swiftly engulfs the parasect. Its flaming corpse does little to deter the red and orange swarm. >>>>> >>>>> Look good? >>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+2] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> So, you've mentioned in the past that giving you money won't lead to faster/longer chapters, since we aren't going to reach a point where writing fiction pays a competitive rate to your day job. But, given that I am already giving you money anyway, is there anything that could be done to increase your output? >>>>>> >>>>>> Perhaps you could chose someone to copy edit your chapters so that you don't have to spend time rereading? or you could give someone your fanfiction password so you don't have to spend potential writing time using the awful ff.net site fixing small issues (or maybe that time and your writing time come from different budgets)? I'd be up for either task if you think it would lead to a few hundred extra words a month, or a bonus chapter a couple of times a year or something :). >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Honestly, I've thought about this a lot and realized that the main thing that really drags out the writing process is the research. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Some chapters it's not so bad, a few hours here and there throughout the month. Other times I'll spend 5 hours in a week just to figure something out for one scene. And other times, I'll spend 5 hours in a week just to figure out that I have to scrap the scene I had in mind and come up with a new one, because reality just doesn't match the pokemon world enough for something to make sense (stupid reality). >>>>>>> >>>>>>> As an example, for the chapter with the wigglytuff I spent maybe 3 hours learning about sound before I realized I would have to change the scene of the chapter's main source of conflict completely. That's 3 hours I would have saved if I had a Sound Expert I could just ask, but that's just one example, and every chapter could require a different expert. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> So I've thought about delegating research duties to readers. I have a few readers that I checked some of my Japanese with back when I was wasting time figuring out translations that weren't terrible, but it's a bit harder when it comes to all the various scientific topics that could come up at any given time. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> On top of that, the few times when I have had someone in my readership or real life that I could directly ask a question, it doesn't always save a significant amount of time. Some questions are a quick "yes, that's how it works" or "no, that's stupid," but for others I need to understand them well enough to incorporate the concept into the story properly, and not just on a surface level. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Proof reading and editing wouldn't save a significant amount of time, as I do it in dribs and drabs when I have spare minutes that won't be put toward anything more productive. Research is the real time sink, and maybe I'll figure something out once my website is done and I can have an easier flow of communication with my readers (and my readers can with each other too). Like I could put a blog post up about a question I have and see if anyone knows the answer. >>>>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+1] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>> That last idea sounds great. As long as you can get people to visit the site somewhat regularly, I'm sure you will get responses at least some of the time, either from readers doing the research or just knowing the answer. That said, I think it would probably be fine for you to post questions here for now, if you feel like it, since authors are allowed one brainstorming post per chapter. Waiting makes sense though if the website will be up pretty soon and you don't feel like posting questions like that here. >>>>>> **u/tokol** [+1] *The Greater Good* (2 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> Yeah, *'until'* bridges the progressive to simple tenses nicely. >>>>>> >>>>>> >Spinarak takes his place and holds up better**, and then** a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. >>>>>> >>>>>> The *', and then'* makes this feel like an unconnected sequence of events. This might be a good time to bring back *'before'*. >>>>>> >>>>>> I'm enjoying the story a lot (including being on the patreon), so thank you! >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Fixed! And thanks so much, glad you like it! >>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+1] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>> >>>>>> > Red's nidoran is already exhausted, his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras until he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, and then a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. Red withdraws it before the giant claws can close around its head, and an ember by Charmander swiftly engulfs the parasect. Its flaming corpse does little to deter the red and orange swarm. >>>>>> > >>>>>> >>>>>> This isn't a big deal, but I still don't think this is quite right. I say this because >>>>>> > Red's nidoran is already exhausted >>>>>> >>>>>> (in present tense) seems to "take place after" the following, which is also in present tense: >>>>>> > his poisonous spurs taking out a handful of the paras until he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. >>>>>> >>>>>> Like, conceptually the nidoran takes out the paras before being "already exhausted". Or, I would think so at least. The text below better expresses what I think you mean: >>>>>> >>>>>> >Red's nidoran is already exhausted, his poisonous spurs having taken out a handful of the paras before he accumulated too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. >>>>>> >>>>>> As is, it still makes sense, but means something different. All of the "action" in the sentence takes place after the nidoran is exhausted. The reason I don't think this is what you mean is that this is the first we see of the nidoran. So like, either the sentence can mean "the nidoran is tired because all of this happened" or "the nidoran is tired and then all this happened". >>>>>> >>>>>> Hmm, maybe you actually did mean the second of those though. In that case, I would change it to >>>>>> >>>>>> > his poisonous spurs taking out a handful **more** of the paras until he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. >>>>>> >>>>>> to make clear that there was other action that took place before the sentence, and that the action in the sentence is limited to what happened after the nidoran already became exhausted. >>>>>>> **u/DaystarEld** [+2] *Pokémon Professor* (2 days later) >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Yep, in my head it made sense because the nidoran's exhausted as the sentence starts, and then while taking out more paras becomes badly hurt as the sentence continues. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> Changed it to this: >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >Red's nidoran is already exhausted, and his poisonous spurs take out another handful of the paras before he accumulates too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion. Spinarak takes his place and holds up better, until a parasect rushes forward and claws off two of its forelegs. Red withdraws it before the giant claws can close around its head, and an ember by Charmander swiftly engulfs the parasect. Its flaming corpse does little to deter the red and orange swarm. >>>>>>>> **u/4t0m** [+1] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>> Awesome. I think the change is a good one. >>>> **u/4t0m** [+2] *Chaos Legion* (2 days later) >>>> >>>> I like: >>>> > Red's nidoran is already exhausted, his poisonous spurs **having taken** out a handful of the paras before he **accumulated** too many injuries for Red to heal with quick sprays of potion > **u/waylandertheslayer** [+1] (5 days later) > > A pet theory that I've come up with after you mentioned that Pokemon are trained not to attack humans - could this be why Machop/Machoke/Machamp look so humanoid? > > As in, there's an incentive to make your Pokemon look more human so your opponent's Pokemon are less willing to attack them, and so over time they've deliberately been bred that way. I think it would tie in nicely with the end of the chapter about incentives that lead to behaviour you don't necessarily want to encourage. >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (6 days later) >> >> Good thinking! I don't think enough time has passed in the domestication of pokemon for physical features to drift enough from their natural state, however. As an explanation for why they have clothing might incorporate that too, but in all honesty it's far more likely to simply be a preservation of modesty, for pokemon with anatomy similar to humans. >> >> Also keep in mind that many pokemon rely on senses besides sight that are stronger than humans', so even pokemon that look vaguely human would not deter a pokemon that can clearly smell the difference. > **u/Mizu25** [+1] (5 days later) > > > Ryback looks torn "Alright, let them kn-" > > looks torn, "Alright, let them kn-" > > > Red shakes his head and hops of the boulder as he pockets > > and hops off the boulder > > > "That's what makes Renegades so scary, isn't it? They don't walk around with a big red R on their shirt. Anyone could be one." > > Nice jabbing reference to Team Rocket. I must say, a Renegade trainer being indistinguishable from a normal one is quite a bit more plausible, and it's likely even if TR exists in this version they're a group of Renegade trainer instead. > > Wonder what you'd do for Teams Aqua and Magma, if you covered them here? > > Well now, this was quite good indeed. An interesting way to blend the Fossil Maniac into the narrative, as a bad guy, and we even got hints as to what Team Rocket may be in this universe. The invasion of Paras and their evolution was rather horrifying, especially as they just kept coming like the zombie films Blue remembered in his past, driven ever onwards by the spores infecting them... >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (6 days later) >> >> Both fixed, thanks! >> >> At the risk of spoilers, Team Magma and Aqua will be making brief appearances in the story, so you'll eventually get the chance to find out. > **u/None** [+1] (9 days later) > > [deleted] >> **u/DaystarEld** [+1] *Pokémon Professor* (10 days later) >> >> So a post scarcity society requires 3 things, correct? Infinite energy, infinite resources, and the tech to transmute or construct them into what you need. >> >> In terms of creating items with pokeball technology, from a manufacturing perspective in my view it is possible, and in some cases the most efficient. But there are a few reasons the Pokemon world isn't quite at a post scarcity society. >> >> 1) It takes an enormous amount of energy to store and release pokemon, especially as often as it's done. Tons of resources go into procuring and maintaining the pokemon and apparatus necessary to keep a Region's pokeballs charged, not to mention their lights on and AC running. >> >> 2) Resources themselves are scarce. The presence of wild pokemon everywhere means gathering raw materials is a much more dangerous and expensive process than just setting up a mine or logging town would be for us. >> >> 3) Some services are so simple but still necessary that it's easier to just do them with manpower and pay the professional. Cooking food, for example, and farming it. Transmuting dirt into tomatoes might be possible, but the energy required isn't worth the time saved, and while the government subsidizes trainer related activities to make owning and using pokeballs affordable for many, it won't pay for the energy a private business needs to turn raw carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen into wooden benches. >> >> Does that make sense? ---