6.3 KiB
Major update for Pokemon: OoS 6!
-
Author: u/DaystarEld Pokémon Professor*
-
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794740/6/Pokemon-The-Origin-of-Species
-
Score: 13
-
Created: 2014-03-01T02:33:43
Post:
Comments:
u/Anakiri [+12] (5 hours later)
Much, much better, on all counts.
By expanding "chatting with neighbors" out into a quick scene, you've managed to characterize Laura as friendly and sociable, on a first name basis with many people. At the same time, you give us a taste of who Daisy is before we even see her. You show Pallet Town as a community - a close-knit, everyone-knows-everyone kind of place, maybe a bit frontierish. You give insight into your entire universe, showing that vicious and dangerous wild pokemon are uncommon but not rare. And on top of all that, you make a certain commenter feel really flattered! Amazing what you can do with just a few lines.
The post-dinner conversation is worlds better. In addition to being genuinely amusing, it also provides insight into the characters - most especially, Sam's connections, and how he might be in a privileged position to put information together, while simultaneously outing him as a doting father figure. I'm still hungry to know more about what's on the news... But of course, that was your intention, and I no longer feel cheated out of the exposition.
I like Daisy. She is principled, skilled, and amusing. She's also now participating in the central concept of your entire story, helping this chapter be more cohesive with the rest, and less jarring and pointless. And, just as importantly, Laura keeps up. She solves the problem herself once she has enough data. You've shown me that Laura can piece together puzzles, just as you've shown me she can network. You've sold me on the idea of her as a reporter, which was just an informed ability in the original version. She's also no longer obsessive, bringing up both Red and Tom at times when it makes sense, further selling her as her own person.
Well, that's enough of me telling you things you already know, having written the thing. Everything now feels like it exists for a reason, with nothing wasting my time. Cutting the constant random reminiscing probably helps the present tense feel more natural. The constant switching to past and back made grammatical sense, but like some other people, it felt clumsy to me. Now it feels fine. I would say that it is still a little bit choppy. I might like to see a few more longer paragraphs. Let me sit and relax with a thought for a little while and soak up some description. Like, the entire first half of the meal is kind of blink-and-you-miss-it. I mean, it's not that important, so maybe that's intentional, but it might be a part of the flow problems people were mentioning earlier.
You've brought this chapter from pretty meh to pretty good. Well done.
Petty specific complaints (mostly typos):
"you just happened to choose the one hotel and room that the President of Silph happened to be staying next door to..." is a pretty clunky sentence.
"Surly you won't turn every coincidental-"
"the melody shifts, the Moonlight always leading"
"an sound expert"
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (16 hours later)
Thanks! Just did another sweep for typos and phrasing :)
u/DaystarEld [+4] Pokémon Professor (a minute later)
Okay, did a major rewrite of this chapter, almost doubling the word count. I feel a bit more confident in it now, and better still, enjoy reading it far more :) Thanks again for all the great feedback guys!
u/4t0m [+4] Chaos Legion (2 days later)
Agreed that this chapter does a much better job of expanding in deepening the world, which is exactly what a chapter like this should do. I'm much more interested in Daisy and Laura now, and would like to see them again, while in the first version I just wanted to get back to the main story line.
You've done a great job with the tense stuff, and it seems a lot smoother to me. There were times in the last version where uses of "had" seemed off, but this time there's only one, and it really works either way. "She hugs the man who had been like a second father to her." It isn't wrong, but putting "had" in the past tense implies that him being that to her is no longer the case. "She hugs the man who has been like a second father to her" maintains the present tense, and has a slightly different meaning. Maybe you want to keep "had" here, but it's something to keep in mind.
Congrats on taking everyone's advice and incorporating it so quickly. Can't wait for the next chapter.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (2 days later)
Thank you :) I'll change the has/had when I get the chance, and I'm still in the middle of going through the whole story to correct the double-past-"had" tense that I was using incorrectly.
u/4t0m [+1] Chaos Legion (2 days later)
Awesome!
u/syberdragon [+3] (4 hours later)
Much stronger. Good work.
u/Atilme [+1] (7 days later)
I just wanted to say that I really enjoy this, and I think you should keep it up. Also, a small error I found: near the beginning of the chapter you call the clefairy "Starlight", but then the name "Moonlight" is used throughout the rest. Anyway, I hope to see more of this soon!
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (7 days later)
I don't even know how many times I've read over and edited this, and still never caught that. Thanks for the pair of fresh eyes, and I'm glad you're enjoying it :)
u/Atilme [+0] (8 days later)
No problem! I'm supposing there isn't anything close to an update schedule is there? Maybe check back every week or so? I'd like to have an RSS feed, but I didn't see any on the site.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (8 days later)
Not at all, sorry XD I basically am just juggling different projects (along with work) at the moment until the pressure to do more with one or the other becomes overwhelming.
As for RSS, someone set one up here :)
u/Atilme [+0] (8 days later)
Thanks, can't wait to read more!