19 KiB
Pokemon: The Origin of Species Chapter 11
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Author: u/DaystarEld Pokémon Professor*
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URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794740/11/Pokemon-The-Origin-of-Species
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Score: 33
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Created: 2014-08-26T16:11:21
Post:
Comments:
u/Aretii [+11] Cultist of Cthugha (2 hours later)
Good chapter. The theme of "when is it right to help" is an interesting one that too often gets treated simplistically. Looking forward to what comes next.
I found the Japanese gratuitous and distracting. I know your intention is to give the regions different feels and customs underneath the homogeneity, but I don't think our-universe foreign languages is the way to do it (especially when, as you mentioned, you're no expert in the language).
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (4 hours later)
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it :)
As for the Japanese, I'm trying to keep it restricted to specific characters/contexts to show that it is very much a secondary language, kind of like how Firefly utilized Chinese. Sorry if I overdid it!
u/Aretii [+4] Cultist of Cthugha (5 hours later)
Firefly had the advantage of subtitles, though, which there really isn't a graceful way to do in pure text.
In the context of the Pokemon world, I feel like this raises more worldbuilding questions than it addresses: if the different regions were truly once as culturally distinct as Japan, the USA, and France, how do they come to speak the same dominant language? You generally don't get dominant language shifts without large population movements (euphemism for "conquest" and "ethnic suppression"), and there's no hint of that in your story to date.
Suggestion: Change "Japanese" to the dominant language. Add exposition to the effect that the more far-flung regions speak different languages, and Leaf specifically is not a native speaker of the local tongue.
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (9 hours later)
Firefly had the advantage of subtitles, though, which there really isn't a graceful way to do in pure text.
If memory serves, Firefly didn't use subtitles to translate the Chinese. It was just there: the context usually gave you some indication of what they were saying.
In the context of the Pokemon world, I feel like this raises more worldbuilding questions than it addresses: if the different regions were truly once as culturally distinct as Japan, the USA, and France, how do they come to speak the same dominant language?
Unown :)
(Incase you're not very familiar with pokemon, this is a pun and an answer)
Suggestion: Change "Japanese" to the dominant language. Add exposition to the effect that the more far-flung regions speak different languages, and Leaf specifically is not a native speaker of the local tongue.
The main language isn't necessarily "english" as we know it, but it is distinct from the native Japanese.
u/Timewinders [+4] (12 hours later)
Now that I think about it, the fact that the Unown are ancient Pokemon in the shape of English letters has interesting implications. Did English or whatever its equivalent is in the Pokemon world simply get its alphabet from the shape of the Unown? Do all languages in their world use the same alphabet based on the Unown? But in the game it seemed that the Unown were only recently rediscovered by investigating the ruins of ancient civilizations after a very long period. So maybe the Unowns, being Psychic types, actually read the minds of the viewers and take the shape of letters. Interesting either way.
u/Aretii [+3] Cultist of Cthugha (12 hours later)
You're very right about Firefly subtitles, I checked and my memory was in error.
Unown as the root of a dominant world language is a very interesting idea that I hadn't thought of until you mentioned it. I am now curious to see where you're going.
u/Anakiri [+9] (a day later)
Fascinating look into the dangers of wild Pokemon and how Rangers deal with them. And how Red deals with being confronted with it! I wonder how his thoughts of Pokemon in general are going to develop, after a few more events like this.
I'm not sure if I quite agree with Tomio's reasoning, but I've not heard that line of thinking phrased so clearly before. So thank you for giving me something to think about.
It seems strange that the Rangers would enlist the aid of some eleven year olds, especially putting Blue directly in the line of fire. But then, the fact that they're running around unattended at all already shows that the Pokemon world puts more trust in children than our world, for better or worse, so it's perfectly consistent.
On Japanese: For "Kūfuku, I summon you!" I'd use "Kūfuku, kimi ni maneita!" But you've got "Come to me!", which isn't really bad. Though if you're using preset command phrases, it would have to be "Kimi ni kimeta!", "I choose you!" For "Kūfuku, plant roots," I'd use "Kūfuku, ne o uetsukere." In our world, <uetsukere> is a really unusual word, being the command form of the verb <uetsukeru> "to plant"... which isn't a command very often. Go figure. If you're using macrons for long vowels, it's <arigatō>. And lastly, you're being way too free with your -samas. In a world that usually drops honorifics, using any honorific at all is already more formal than it is in our world, and -sama is just super over-the-top. It would sound sarcastic. It should probably be Akio-san, Akio-renjā (Ranger Akio), Akio-junsa-buchō (Sergeant Akio, or whatever rank), or maybe Akio-sensei.
I don't promise this is completely correct, I'm not a native speaker. But I do promise that it is less painful than what you currently have.
u/DaystarEld [+4] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
I'm not sure if I quite agree with Tomio's reasoning, but I've not heard that line of thinking phrased so clearly before. So thank you for giving me something to think about.
Glad to hear it :) Are you referring to his last line?
And lastly, you're being way too free with your -samas. In a world that usually drops honorifics, using any honorific at all is already more formal than it is in our world, and -sama is just super over-the-top. It would sound sarcastic. It should probably be Akio-san, Akio-renjā (Ranger Akio), Akio-junsa-buchō (Sergeant Akio, or whatever rank), or maybe Akio-sensei.
Hmm. I was under the impression that "san" was for equals and "sama" was for those you look up to or for an honored elder. My intention in using the honorific rather than his title was to acknowledge thanks for something he's doing outside his official role as a Ranger, but if you think "san" works better, I'll use that instead. This would apply to Donovan in the earlier chapter too, I imagine.
I don't promise this is completely correct, I'm not a native speaker. But I do promise that it is less painful than what you currently have.
Don't worry, any help at all is greatly appreciated. Do you mind if I run any future phrases by you?
u/Anakiri [+5] (a day later)
Glad to hear it :) Are you referring to his last line?
Actually, I'm referring to his lesson that letting others keep you safe is a risk in itself. I don't think that lesson is wrong, exactly... but it might be dangerous to stop at that point. That's the sort of thinking that drives eight year olds to take it upon themselves to raise tyrogues.
Tom's overall risk management thing is all good.
I was under the impression that "san" was for equals and "sama" was for those you look up to or for an honored elder.
Sort of true, but the difference is more extreme than you're thinking. You use "san" for your parents and police officers (omawari-san, Mr. Police officer), and Mr. Company President is more often Shachō-san than Shachō-sama. It's not just about respect, it's about class hierarchies, and situational formality, and other things that are simply incomprehensible to us westerners. "Sama" denotes royalty.
Actually, I'm not sure if the average man on the street ever uses "sama" seriously, outside of certain prescribed cases like customer service. It's definitely nowhere near as common as anime would lead you to believe.
Do you mind if I run any future phrases by you?
Sure! I'd be happy to offer whatever help I can.
u/DaystarEld [+4] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
Actually, I'm referring to his lesson that letting others keep you safe is a risk in itself. I don't think that lesson is wrong, exactly... but it might be dangerous to stop at that point. That's the sort of thinking that drives eight year olds to take it upon themselves to raise tyrogues.
Ahh yeah. Keep in mind, it comes from a man living in a world where enormously powerful monsters somewhat regularly attack cities, so the applicability in our world is a bit reduced: most people in developed countries can go their entire life without getting into a life-or-death struggle, so learning to defend yourself isn't exactly a priority.
But Tom knows that his son's life may one day depend on him being in a situation where he can't rely on anyone else to defend him but his wits and his pokemon.
"Sama" denotes royalty.
Wow, yeah, that is definitely over the top then. Thanks for the info :)
u/E-o_o-3 [+3] (a day later)
I don't think that lesson is wrong, exactly... but it might be dangerous to stop at that point.
I was actually reading this as the philosophy of a man who died because he did dangerous things. From that point of view, it makes sense that he stops there.
u/DaystarEld [+6] Pokémon Professor (54 seconds later)
So this chapter was meant to be done super quick to make up for leaving it on a cliffhanger. Like, record time quick. That was the intention. Promise.
But it just kept growing. An extension to the flashback here, an extra argument there, and before I knew it I'd written the longest chapter to date instead of a quick resolution to the cliffhanger.
Ah well. Some prolonged suspense now and then adds spice to life, right? Right.
To anyone who speaks Japanese, please excuse my wholesale butchering of your language. I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out translations for "I summon you" and "plant roots" (as a verb-noun rather than the noun-noun I kept seeing online), and if you'd like to offer better translations, I would very much appreciate the corrections: I figured it was better to ask for forgiveness than prolong publication another few days looking for someone that would translate for me.
Hope you guys enjoy the read, and all feedback welcome, as usual!
(Side note: I mentioned awhile back that I hadn't read any pokemon fiction, and invited recommendations. The majority of suggestions were for Game of Champions by L. Lamora, and I recently had the free time to check it out. I swallowed it in two big gulps, and am still hungry for more. I can see now why it came so highly recommended, and anyone who enjoys my fic should definitely give it a read. It explores and expands the world of Pokemon with a creativity and passion I found admirable and immensely enjoyable.)
u/Lethalmud [+3] (3 hours later)
I just started reading Game of champions. So far, I must say I prefer your story over his. Although maybe I'm just missing the rational factor.
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (4 hours later)
Thanks, but I'd say stick with it :) The first few chapters took a bit of settling in to the unique narrative voice, but by his battle with Brock it really kicked into high gear, and the worldbuilding began in earnest.
As for the rational factor, while his Red isn't a rationalist and he does pull a few unpredictable twists out of his hat, by and large the writer does a great job translating the pokemon world and physiology into rational terms.
u/RMcD94 [+1] (2 days later)
Anything else like Game of Champions, it was really enjoyable. Need that kind of "mature/adult" Pokemon fix
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (2 days later)
It's literally the only pokemon fiction I've read, so not that I'm aware of. However, if you want other recommendations in general, have you read Luminosity and Worm?
u/RMcD94 [+2] (2 days later)
Yup 'fraid so, quite a few pokemon fics under my belt too.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (2 days later)
Then I'm afraid we're both out of luck XD If you find something, do let me know!
Also, does someone follow you around downvoting you? o_O I don't normally vote on comments in my own posts, but this and your previous comment were at 0 for no reason I could see, so I bumped them back up.
u/RMcD94 [+0] (3 days later)
I don't upvote myself which is why I'm always at 0.
There's Pokemon 0, which is really dark and it's been years since I read it but IIRC was good
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (3 days later)
I know this is a fine and subjective line, but would you say it's dark for the sake of being dark (like the writer intentionally set out to write an edgy fanfic) or dark just as a matter of content?
u/RMcD94 [+1] (3 days later)
Totally understand your comment as I definitely get turned off when I'm browsing FF.net (M tag sorted by favourites/follows/reviews) when it's just brutal for no reason, as I remember, though again it has been a good years since I read it, the whole thing was super dark to show how shit a world with pokemon would be, because it's been forever since I've read it and maybe I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses I'll withdraw my recommendation. I could honestly be mixing it up with another story just a name that I definitely remember with feelings of enjoyment.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (3 days later)
Haha, that's okay, I'll check it out either way to get a sense of it, was just curious :)
u/AmeteurOpinions [+1] Finally, everyone was working together. (a day later)
Longest chapter to date? didn't feel that way, which means you're getting better at pacing.
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (3 days later)
Could be, though it also might be because of the flashback :)
u/Timewinders [+6] (an hour later)
I liked the evaluation of risk by the Rangers. It reminded me of how EMTs react to emergencies. Just something to note, you switch between present and past tenses a few times in the flashback.
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (an hour later)
Thanks, found and fixed one offending paragraph, will be going through it again when I have time to catch more typos :)
u/PrinceofMagnets [+1] (a day later)
The flash lit up the night for a split second, and then a victreebel was with them, its long vine immediately digging into the ground as it flexed its leaves and opened its wide mouth to the sky. Its eyes roll to take in its surroundings, and it relaxes as it finds itself at home. Tomio ran a hand over the plant pokemon's bulbous body and dug a pokeblock out of his pocket with the other. He murmured a greeting as he dropped the pokeblock into its gaping mouth, then stood back.
Found one for you
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
Thank you!
u/Ahuge [+2] (a day later)
I'm loving this story.
What's the release schedule for it btw?
u/DaystarEld [+3] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
Thanks, glad you're enjoying it!
My rule for myself is at least one per month. Weekends are when I do the vast bulk of my writing, so I usually publish on a weekend or shortly afterward.
This chapter was supposed to be done two weeks ago, but it ended up taking so long that I barely managed to meet my monthly deadline. If I get more free time or finish editing my novel sometime soon I'll hopefully get to write faster, but for now 1 per month has been the standard :)
u/Ahuge [+1] (a day later)
Cool thanks!
How long do you plan on making it?
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
I have a vague ending planned, which is to say I know where the story is headed and many of the events leading to its culmination, but there's also a lot of room for variation along the way, and the real question is how much of the story is gong to be yadda-yadda'd. Since it's a rationalfic I don't like the idea of glossing over anything important, and if I want to be writing this until I'm 40 I could easily write it as I have been so far, with multiple chapters for each "day" in the story.
Thankfully that doesn't seem likely, since as the story goes and the characters become more developed/farther along in their journey, it'll be less critical to describe their every waking moment. Which is a roundabout way of saying "I have no idea" :P
u/BSaito [+1] (2 days later)
I just started reading this fic, and I like it so far, but is there a reason it's written in present tense instead of past tense? It strikes me as a little awkward.
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (2 days later)
It started that way because present tense is what I'm writing my novel in, and switching back and forth was just causing too many errors in both documents.
I'm sorry you're finding it awkward, and others who haven't read present-tense stories before have said the same thing, but they've also said they stop noticing eventually, so I hope it doesn't impact your enjoyment too much :) Thanks for reading either way!
u/jesyspa [+2] (2 days later)
I found the present tense a little awkward at first, but got used to it fairly quickly once I saw you were using it consistently. There were a few switches in this chapter that caught me off guard, though, primarily in the flashbacks:
Red looked up and saw his dad smiling at him, and smiled back, frustration melting away. He finished peeling his stick, then handed it back to his dad.
"So would you say the risk has been properly negated?" Tomyo says as he takes the spit and sears more meat onto it.
I really like your take on Pokemon, by the way; I've always found it a very strange setting, but the way you put it makes it more believable.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (2 days later)
Woops, thanks for catching that. Fixed!
And I'm glad you're enjoying it :) Pokemon has always been one of my favorite fictional universes, but as I got older it became harder to ignore just how nonsensical it was. I'm glad to have the opportunity to try and make it more rational, for myself and others.