11 KiB
[WIP] Decagon - Act 2 - Chapter 1
-
Author: u/None *
-
Score: 2
-
Created: 2014-10-03T09:29:32
Post:
Comments:
u/narfanator [+3] (23 hours later)
Fake Edit: Ah. Totally missed the other 7 chapters. I'll be back again once I've ready those, but first...
NOPE. Try again. This entire chapter is full of "tell not show" and "predictable archetypes". You've definitely got a few goings for you so I DEFINITELY want to see you try again (whether that's the next chapter or a rewrite is totally up to you - maybe some more chapters and then a later rewrite?), but for the most part - nope!
Anyway! Here's what I think you did well / really well:
Your prose (I think that's the word?). You put words together well. This might sound trite, but it's not; I like your sentences and god knows there are printed authors who put words together like nails on a bad violinist.
The last bit, specifically, the very last line. Nice! That's characterization, plot hooks, and a nice twist all in one.
Carl! He's going to die, he knows it, and he's fantastically resigned, but still frightening and disturbed. Love it.
Here's some specific things I think you can definitely do better:
Some sentences don't follow each other well. Sentences two and three are a good example: even after a third or fourth read, the "and" in the second sentence /not/ leading into the second item is really weird.
Power mystery teasing. Canis isn't scary or mysterious because of her power, but because she's a fucking crazy nine-year old. Show me the power earlier and disturb me with its use. Conversely, amp up the cockteasing on Carl's power - think Calvin and Hobbes' "Noodle Incident".
And the biggest one: I do not believe she's nine. I do believe she's a psychotic teenager possessed of a morality warped by deadly privilege, but I don't believe she's nine inside. Honestly, just drop that line entirely. I like the character, I like the implications of her past, present and future. I think you have a solid narrative player in Canis. Drop the justification for her morality and actions and just let the character speak for herself, and she will, because you built her well.
Also, still not rationalist. Your characters (ALL of them, even Carl!) need clear, pursed goals that they are incredibly certain of, obstacles to those goals, and the application of rationalist techniques (or at least normal smarts) towards those goals - I have no idea what Canis wants. I have no idea why she expects that her actions will result in her getting what she wants. For me to think that she's smart and /thinking/ about the world, I need to know (and believe) /why/ she thinks that her actions further some goal or agenda, I need to know that she has thought about alternatives and consequences, and I need to know that she selected these courses of action with deliberation and certainty.
(And, to come round to the main point at the top - don't just tell me these things! Demonstrate them!)
u/None [+1] (23 hours later)
That's certainly a lot of critique, and I thank you for putting the time into saying this. I'm not sure how much of that to take with a grain of salt, because you haven't read the other eight chapters, but I'm definitely seeing your point about maybe re-writing it. Truthfully, I was beginning to feel like I wasn't doing this properly. I will very probably end up re-writing what I have so far.
Also, I love that you like Carl so much.
As far as her being nine inside goes: I was trying to get at her being kind of playful, and always being in a kind of "play-time" mindset. I think it would have worked, but I have her stuck in the "acting like a queen" mode more than any other mode, so it makes her seem less playful.
Finally: Shit, you're right, I can't believe I told so much. Again, probably going to re-write this, maybe with different characters. I'm too stuck in the wrong mind-set right now.
Edit: This is my first attempt at rational fiction, and I think my main issue is that I'm doing this the same way I normally write non-rational fiction. I just jumped straight into it without planning too much. When I re-write this, I'm definitely going to put in a lot of time planning before I ever set fingers to keyboard.
u/narfanator [+3] (a day later)
Plan your situation, your world, and your characters - but /not/ their actions. Then role play!
Near as I can tell, fantasy is about the narrative: causality, consistency, and common sense are sacrificed on that alter. Science fiction is about /consequences/, so the only way to tell a particular story is to set up a particular world so that the exploration of it's consequences tell that story.
As far as nine-inside goes... keep it, but keep it to yourself. It seems like it really helps you write the character, but until you find a say to /show/ it, there's no need to say anything. That terrible movie I Am Number 9 illustrates this really well: How much better of a movie is it if you completely strip out that exposition chunk with the cheesy names? Or the first of the latest Transformer movies: How /awesome/ were they - up until Optimis Prime started talking?
u/narfanator [+2] (a day later)
Ok, the /other/ chapters...
There's mystery and the viewpoint character recognizes this and actively dismisses it.
She says she hates the headphones, and then she's putting on her headphones? You implied they were going to her locker to get something to alleviate the need of or hatred for her headphones.
Programming does not work that way. The difficultly of your problem does not go down, what, three orders of magnitude? In one sitting? And he doesn't even test it! And what did he do in class if he didn't implement it? Implementation is the hard part! And he's, what, flummoxed? by his own sudden genius? Where's the joy, the eureka, the elation? I'd expect a mix of emotions - happy ones at the surprising success, worried ones at first his locker mate and now his genius...
Read about this trope: Stuffed Into The Fridge... and stop doing it. You have characters that exist merely as targets for the characterization of the main characters. Charity graduates from this, but not in a way that makes sense. Everybody should be able to exist out side of the situation you needed them for.
I'm actually going to stop here. I think I'm picking up on the common aspect of the things I'm critiquing, and I think I can name the causal root - In most chapters, you've already decided what you want to happen, how you want the characters to respond, and what you want to have changed in the world when you're done. You're not always letting what happens arise organically out of the situation and characters you've created; you're forcing it. And thus, characters do things that don't make sense - like sticking around your rapist.
That all said, I do want to a) congratulate you on writing stuff and putting it out there! Holy shit! And then b) compel you to remember that you are actually writing stuff and putting it out there. I'm just the jackass with opinions on the internet - you're the writer. Seriously, that's awesome.
So finally, my amateur recommendation is to do.... nothing different. Seriously! Keep going and only look back a little bit. Explore what happens when you try this or that, and it doesn't matter if something's bad or doesn't work as long as you're paying attention and noticing what happens as you play around.
I spin fire (as in Burning Man) and I sometimes teach people how to do it. There are two things you always "teach" early on: Hitting yourself and the "ground stall" (aka, dropping it). You do this so they directly experience what happens when you make a mistake and realize... it's not bad at all.
So, keep going! Make mistakes. Make successes. Then, in a couple months, come back, re-read it, and you'll really be able to learn from both.
u/autotrope_bot [+1] (a day later)
Stuffed into the Fridge
A character is killed off in a particularly gruesome manner and left to be found just to offend or insult someone, or to cause someone serious anguish. The usual victims are those who matter to the hero , specifically best buddies , love interests, and sidekicks . In some cases, the doomed character may be killed by natural forces or by a character who doesn't have the intent to cause someone else angst -- in this case, the intent comes from the writer, who wants to rouse strong emotions in another character.
I am a bot. Here is my sub
u/None [+1] (a minute later)
I've now been posting this for a week. As before, I'm not sure how rational it is yet.
If you haven't been reading it, here is the table of contents.
I've been updating it daily for the past week. Now, I will be updating it every other day.
u/rationalidurr [+3] If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! (8 hours later)
So far it's not very rational, what with the whole laid back attitude of the people who have things happen to them, I think it's not a good idea to change character perspectives often and to have minimum insight in each character's thoughts.
Also if I am reading this right Spoilers that whole situations feels off somehow.
Some of the chapters don't have next chapter links.
u/None [+1] (8 hours later)
I can't necessarily stop changing character perspectives now, unless I begin holding to one character's perspective for a longer period of time, which is a possibility. Edit: Also, I'm not entirely sure what you're getting at. The fact that these powers exist was revealed two days after people first began to develop them. The most noticeable events people went through happened the night before it was revealed.
Yeah, that is a mistake, and I thank you for pointing that out. I'm going to work to remedy that, now.
I just went through the entire thing using just the "Next Chapter" things, so I'm pretty sure they're there.
u/rationalidurr [+2] If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! (a day later)
The lack of reaction right now doesn't stem from characters, I think, but more from lack of time spent in character's viewpoint. I short, bigger chapters with more insight into what people are thinking.