2.2 KiB
To Fall into Shadow: another rational!Naegi fic. [RT] [WIP]
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Author: u/avret SDHS rationalist*
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URL: https://www.reddit.com/r/rational/comments/2qubb1/to_fall_into_shadow_another_rationalnaegi_fic_rt/
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Score: 2
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Created: 2014-12-30T19:28:15
Post:
This fic's different stylistically and plot-wise from the other Danganronpa rational fic that I'm writing(light in despair's darkness). This fic requires basically no prior knowledge of Danganronpa canon, as the entire universe has been changed dramatically. Begins immediately before entrance to Kibougamine and continues from there. Link: To Fall into Shadow
Comments:
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (a day later)
To be honest, in both this and the other DR fic there's a pervasive aura of smugness that gets really frustrating to read. Like, you can have a rationalist character who doesn't smirk constantly and speak pretentiously and repeatedly impress everyone around them by doing mundane things like looking around a room. And you can have a threatening opponent who isn't the best at every conceivable thing.
Sorry to be a dick, because I know you put a lot of work into writing these. I just think you could consider taking it in a more believable direction. The rationalist characters don't feel like real humans, and it often seems like the story bends itself backwards to make their plans work out, or like the NPCs are dumbed down to make them look smarter in comparison. (Example from To Fall into Shadow: It's not believable that the world's actual best martial artist wouldn't be able to adapt to a "fake weak arm" ploy.) I guess my advice would be to make it more of a story and less of a tour of the rationalist characters' demonstrations of superiority.
Also, Japanese coins are not magnetic, and stabbing someone in the brainstem with a needle is unlikely to render them safely and temporarily unconscious.
u/avret [+1] SDHS rationalist (a day later)
Thanks for the feedback--I'll try to notice and correct for stuff like this in the future. (Someone else also commented on the smirking thing, so that's something I'll put specific effort into when writing. I need to find more expression verbs...)