7.7 KiB
[FF][RST] The Waves Arisen [Ch.2] (testing resubmission - delete if original post resolves)
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Author: u/Wertifloke *
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URL: http://wertifloke.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/the-waves-arisen-chapter-2/
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Score: 13
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Created: 2015-01-27T06:02:53
Post:
Comments:
u/SometimesATroll [+6] (6 hours later)
I have a few comments. The bit with the TV isn't so much mood whiplash as it is mood severe-spinal-damage. Even without the ending that portion is pretty jarring. I'm not sure if that section is primarily there to be funny or to let us know that this is a post-apocalyptic future, but either way it should probably be shortened.
If it's mostly just there for the setting, you could maybe take out the parts with the chanting and the translation of the symbols and let us figure things out from the description and story behind it.
If it's primarily there for comedic purposes, then cutting down on the explanation should help, since that kind of joke becomes less funny the more it drags on.
I'd go with the first suggestion, since having a joke section right there is, as I said, pretty jarring.
Otherwise this seems good so far and I really want to see where this is going.
u/jrpguru [+3] (9 hours later)
I'm not sure if the author is reading this, but if s/he is and wants a second opinion, then I didn't find the panasonic TV thing comedic or out of place at all.
Having the story set in a presumably post apocalyptic world that at one point possibly had advanced nano/bio technology is one of the few ways I can think of to believably explain chakra and hand signs. Even other good Naruto fics like Time Braid didn't really go into as much detail as I would like about how Chakra works.
u/rumblestiltsken [+2] (20 hours later)
As a third opinion the TV bit is right on the line of making me drop the story. Just way too 4th wall and off tone.
Otherwise enjoying the story way more than I expected I would, I don't generally like Naruto being 180'd so hard.
I'm also unsure about the Hyuuga just revealing the inner workings of their clan in Naruto's presence, both with their "worship" and with their clan politics. Very out of character unless this AU has totally changed them.
u/eaglejarl [+5] (10 hours later)
A great start. Nice to see a rationalist (and it's clearly intended to be rationalist, not just rational) version of Naruto. I'm glad you gave us Hinata instead of Sakura; she's a more interesting character with actually believable lines for growth. The only way for Sakura to grow as a character is to completely change, since she is mostly one-dimensional, but Hinata is nicely fleshed out with real story hooks.
Speaking of which, you went with the demoted-from-heir thing right up front, huh? Not the Caged Bird yet, although I could easily see a plot arc later where they go to put it on her and she has to escape with Naruto's help...or perhaps he'll use game theory to convince hem not to.
Speaking of game theory, that part of the discussion with the Hokage didn't fit very well. The words "game theory" got used in a way where "magic" would have made more sense, and then they didn't go anywhere...you had the discussion of "clans are better off individually", but it wasn't tied back to specific GT practices the way I would have expected a teacher to do.
As to teachers, it was great seeing "the Professor" actually do some teaching. I don't think I've seen that in any other FFN anywhere; nice job. The thing that needed to be taught (the hand seals) also made a lot of sense -- if the other villagers don't know that Naruto is the jinchuuriki, his teachers wouldn't have known to give him the filter seals. Why did you have it be the Henge that he had trouble with, instead of the Bunshin (regular clone) technique? In canon that was the explanation -- he couldn't do a regular Bunshin because his power was too high and his control too low, but he could do the Kage Bunshin (shadow clone) because it required lots of chakra just to get it off the ground.
More on teaching: at the assignment ceremony, Naruto thinks about how it's illegal to teach jounin level techniques, although it's ok to know them. A few paragraphs later, Naruto offers to teach Sasuke the shadow clone. What happened there?
Final thought: the television bit was a nice device to show us that this is a fallen world scenario, but it didn't fit well into the narrative. Why were the Hyuuga worshipping at the altar of TV just at the moment that Naruto walked in? It seemed a stretch. The idea that the world is our own and the implication that it's based on physics seems to play poorly with people who create mass and energy on a daily basis just by literally twiddling their fingers.
Again, this is a great start and I'll be eagerly looking for more.
u/Izeinwinter [+2] (13 hours later)
Game theory as magic is pretty accurate - Collapsed civilization background, so what we are seeing here is surviving bits of lore, but not the underlying mathematics or actual understanding that spawned said lore.
This is also the kind of place I would expect to have cam/pulley bows.. and no ability whatsoever to deviate from the exact specs they copy endlessly because the math they use is beyond them.
That is likely to be a pervasive problem - Naruto-verse has absolutely toxic information handling practices. It's like the place has had the exact opposite of an enlightenment, wherein everyone started to conceal information and lie about everything. Note that even his very "helpful" teacher blatantly misleads him here, about the magnitude of his reserves.
On the other hand, this version of naruto did just have pointed out to his face that the shadow-clone technique is for spying, not combat. It'd be quite interesting if he actually uses it for that.
u/xamueljones [+2] My arch-enemy is entropy (8 hours later)
I know that the word "terebijon" is a crude (possibly Japanese) mispronunciation of "television", but what is the word "panasoniku" supposed to be?
This is a really intriguing chapter and I'm coming up with a crazy number of theories such as ninja-blood is automatic nanotechnology, the Bijuu are semi-intelligent nuclear weapons, chakra is simply near-100% efficient energy conversion, the Elemental Nations are either the result of millennia of geological forces reshaping the world or humanity had control over tectonic forces, and a few more similar ideas.
u/daydev [+3] (9 hours later)
Um, really, you don't know about Panasonic, one of the largest television set manufacturers?
u/xamueljones [+2] My arch-enemy is entropy (9 hours later)
No, so thanks for that! Guess I better brush up on my knowledge of TV brands. ;)
u/okaycat [+2] (14 hours later)
I like the story so far. The auther came uo with several good reasons why canon turned out the way it did. Although I am a bit annoyed that Sakura was replaced with Hinata. She had a lot of great potential for character growth and its annoying to see her sidelined. The story did mention the concept of "ninja blood" so maybe in this universe civilians can't become ninjas or lack charkra networks or something.
I also hope that chakra doesn't become some sort of advanced tech nanites nonsense or something.
Overall it's a promising story, can't wait for more.
u/Wertifloke [+1] (20 hours later)
Chapter 3 is up, but the link was caught by the spam filter again. A post can be expected every day until we finish.
u/CitrusJ [+2] (a day later)
Message the mods?