10 KiB
Reigns End chapter 2
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Author: u/bulls55 *
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Score: 5
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Created: 2015-03-16T08:33:12
Post:
Comments:
u/JackStargazer [+5] Primordial Apologist (13 hours later)
The following is meant as constructive criticism.
You could greatly benefit from a beta reader of some kind. Your whitespacing is terrible, you don't use line-breaks nearly enough to differentiate between speech and actions, and some of your word choices are awkward.
In terms of content, I'm not sure I know much more about Orm-as-a-person in this chapter than I did in the previous one.
Aside from the fact that he is some kind of non-Psion telepath, and that he wasn't willing to risk execution for learning illegal mental domination powers, we don't really have much information here about how he thinks. Who he is is not necessarily the same thing as what he can do.
I also feel like your characterization of Jake is a bit off, but it's always difficult to get into the position of someone else's character.
Hmm, interesting thought - this is more directed at /u/eaglejarl - knowing that they are planning to betray even 100% loyal and good people, how have the Landguard not fallen yet?
In this case at least, we have Thomas, an already established hypocrite with anger management issues, who knowing that he was betraying someone by fucking with their brains in a conspiracy and then planning to murder them before they leave, still gets angry to the point of torture when that person betrays him in turn.
And then that person stands up to a God to protect him from eternal torment. Even after all of that.
And he's still planning to betray that person. For what amounts to not even close to a greater good, since they can just Mindscrape him to find out if he is truly planning anything or holding anything back.
I cannot see how that is not an evil act that would cause him to fall. Especially with all the other options available to them with D&D tier magic.
Hell, with the power they have now, no invasion that wasn't a Death Star or other Class X extinction event has any chance of damaging them. They certainly are not at risk.
u/bulls55 [+1] (14 hours later)
Thank you for givng the time to review my story and the constructive critism.
The thing about Orm is that there are two versions of him the original and the construct. The construct is an incomplete mental copy of the original Orm with all of his memories and experiences. The construct is somewhat mentally handicapped due to some mistakes the original made when he copied his mind. Because of this he has trouble emoting, expressing himself and understanding people. That combined with him very rarely talking to people he tends to get straight to the point and avoids talking about things he doesn't think are relevant.
As for the landguard they probably go through a lot of mental gymnastics to justify some of their more unsavory actions. Hence if they think what they are doing is the right thing in their minds they aren't technically doing evil actions. This may be due to the allignment system not taking into account grey areas which some people have criticized about DND.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (16 hours later)
Hmm, interesting thought - this is more directed at /u/eaglejarl - knowing that they are planning to betray even 100% loyal and good people, how have the Landguard not fallen yet?
When this whole thing started, they actually did return rulers to their own land, with literally as much gold and jewels as they could carry.
Not all rulers have as (comparatively) nice a time as Jake has, however. Many of them were pissed off at being dragged away from their homes -- the ritual selects for people who don't have too many personal ties, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any, and even if they don't they may still have lives that they were happy with.
About four thousand years ago, they sent a ruler home and he found a way to come back. He used the money they'd sent him home with to buy a crapton of mercenaries, and he was only there to flatten Flobovia, not to conquer it. (He wasn't the nicest guy.)
The Landguard and other Flobovian military forces managed to stop the invasion, but most of the Landguard were wiped out, literally a few million Flobovian citizens (members of "the Land") were dead, and several major centers of irreplaceable knowledge (mostly libraries and mage academies) were destroyed.
The then-Commander of the Landguard, a man named John the Red, swore that this would never happen again. He took a binding vow ("...my intent is without deceit...") that from now on they would ensure that there was absolutely zero chance of this happening. He discussed it with the Archmagi and it was determined that while yes, they could use Programmed Amnesia to wipe the departing ruler's memories, that wasn't a viable strategy. PA has 'permanent' duration and can therefore be dispelled; it also falls off if it enters a no-magic zone. Any ruler they sent home to a no-magic world would get his memories back, and anyone they sent to a has-magic world might get them back. At this point there was no other option but to kill the rulers.
As to why they haven't fallen: the Land, the Law, the ruler [1] in that order. Protecting the Land from another invading army is a higher priority than preserving the life of the ruler. The Landguard's code -- which their god full supports -- literally requires them to do this. They would fall if they didn't do it, because that would be failing to give their unstinting best to preserve the Land that is their highest calling.
That's what my backstory notes say, anyway.
[1] I really should have called this "the Land, the Law, the Lord" to get that alliteration going, but I didn't think of it at the time.
u/JackStargazer [+2] Primordial Apologist (17 hours later)
They would fall if they didn't do it, because that would be failing to give their unstinting best to preserve the Land that is their highest calling.
The thing is, Paladins can fall in two ways: Failing to follow their code or voluntarily commiting an evil act.
D&D isn't really into subjective morality either, the are no greater goods and lesser evils, an evil act for good reasons is still an evil act.
Plus, although they cannot programmed amnesia they could Mindscrape now to find out if he wants to attack, or can. Or place a compuslion not to do so.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (18 hours later)
The thing is, Paladins can fall in two ways: Failing to follow their code or voluntarily commiting an evil act.
Well, I guess we'll just have to go with "that's one of the non-canon things I did." Although, since people from other dimensions don't actually have an alignment (being from outside the ruleset) killing one of them is not technically the same as killing a "Good" being.
Plus, although they cannot programmed amnesia they could Mindscrape now to find out if he wants to attack, or can. Or place a compuslion not to do so.
Mindscrape is actually a banned spell in Flobovia and they really aren't supposed to be using it. The spell they used to muck with Jake's head in the first place was Programmed Amnesia. It also wasn't really known before the Draugar War and the FLEA brought it back...Reynard was aware of it but only through a few mentions in old tomes. No one actually had it in their spellbook.
u/eaglejarl [+3] (16 hours later)
I'm going to second /u/JackStargazer in saying that you should find a beta -- the story itself is interesting, but the physical writing is rough...runon sentences, paragraphs that are too long, improper separation of dialogue, etc.
I will partially agree with him about Jake; your characterization of him feels just slightly different, but that's fine. The whole point of fanfiction is to explore different alternatives.
Your characterization of Orm as a mental recording and therefore flat is okay, but the logical extension of that is that he shouldn't be flexible -- specifically, him rotating through different settings in order to make Jake more comfortable shows a problem-solving ability that I would not have expected. I think you need to decide whether he is a recording or a true personality; in the former case he should behave like a recording and in the latter he should be less emotionally flat.
In addition, you're burning more time on the conversation than necessary. Despite being told "hey, the Landguard is going to kill you soon", Jake seems to be futzing around a lot asking for burgers and such. Despite repeated assassination attempts, I would still expect this to get his attention.
u/bulls55 [+1] (a day later)
I am actually considering getting a beta reader but I honestly wouldn't know where to find one.
The construct Orm was created with the purpose of finding someone who can bring the original back to life should he fail to escape. Construct Orm was given sentience so he would be able to determine and take courses of actions that would have the least chances of him getting caught. The construct is actually quite similar to the Icefi assasins except mentally handicapped to a degree.
Jake appearing way more calm than he should have is due to Orm subtlely using a calming effect on his mind. I added the restaurant scene due have some exposition on Orm's abilties and past.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (a day later)
It's fine if Orm is slipping Jake some mental Valium, but you need to tell us that that is happening. Also, that's a big hot button for Jake, so he should react to it. Maybe he gets a bit pissed and then realizes "hm, it's really just the same as a Calm Emotions spell, which I don't mind. Okay, fine." Regardless, he should have a response.
u/Mraedis [+2] (8 hours later)
Reads well, keep it coming. :)