18 KiB
[FF] Parody of Stargate SG-1 "Politics" episode (S1E21)
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Author: u/eaglejarl *
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URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11338122/1/What-if-SG-1-weren-t-stupid-S1E21-Politics
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Score: 27
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Created: 2015-06-25T17:14:05
Post:
Comments:
u/eaglejarl [+7] (48 seconds later)
I was going to enter this in the weekly "One Man Industrial Revolution" challenge, but decided to do something original instead. This wouldn't get out of my head though, so I jotted it down and kicked it out the door.
Light, fluffy, parody fix-fic of Season 1, Episode 21, 'Politics'.
Face it, pretty much everyone on SG-1 was an idiot. They missed obvious opportunities, they did things inefficiently, and they did things that were just plain dumb.
This is a rational take on S1E21; it shouldn't require much knowledge of SG-1 at all beyond "there is a Stargate and they use it to visit other planets."
u/alexanderwales [+4] Time flies like an arrow (an hour later)
Face it, pretty much everyone on SG-1 was an idiot. They missed obvious opportunities, they did things inefficiently, and they did things that were just plain dumb.
It doesn't really excuse it, but most of this is due to the fact that it was on television. To paraphrase Dan Harmon, you can blow up the Death Star at the end of the movie, but you can't do that at the end of the television episode. People work on that Death Star, dammit. We've been following Ricky the junior officer since the first episode. He's got this will-they-won't-they thing going on with Donna, the woman who primes the torpedoes. And on network television, you can't expect that people are going to watch the episodes in order. Some of them are going to tune in, see that Ricky and Donna have both been vaporized, scratch their heads wondering what happened, and then change the channel because they're confused. So every television episode (except maybe those at the start and end of the season, or during sweeps) is going to be circular, and bring things back to where they were. Ricky and Donna are also played by actors, who have contracts, so they can't be killed.
This is compounded by the fact that many of these episodes are written in parallel, which means that you can't set them up to depend on each other without incurring a lot of costs in the case of a rewrite. That's another incentive to be static.
This adherence to formula has started to break down somewhat in recent years, but it's still a staple of many network shows that are meant to go on forever. It's terrible on scifi shows, because they find some new earth-shattering thing every few weeks, and then have to go right back to the status quo.
u/eaglejarl [+4] (3 hours later)
We've been following Ricky the junior officer since the first episode. He's got this will-they-won't-they thing going on with Donna, the woman who primes the torpedoes.
You know, I would totally watch that show. "The Death Star Below-Decks" you could call it. That sounds awesome...Vader and Emperor and Admiral Piett could periodically be in the background, having a conversation that we can't hear somewhere down the hall. Not for content, just as a throwout joke. Or maybe a slice of life.
u/VorpalAuroch [+4] Life before Death (9 hours later)
That sounds like the original plan for the structure of The West Wing. Except in space.
u/daydev [+2] (17 hours later)
now, I would totally watch that show. "The Death Star Below-Decks"
Well, something like that kinda exists.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (21 hours later)
That was very cool, thank you.
u/callmebrotherg [+1] now posting as /u/callmesalticidae (3 hours later)
One day, Darth Vader suddenly gets pissed at The Humorously Incompetent One and force-chokes zem.
;_;
u/eaglejarl [+4] (2 hours later)
Oh sure, obviously. There are lots of reasons--many of them good ones--why 'Status Quo is God' is a trope. That doesn't mean I can't have fun poking at the show.
Especially in this case. This thing just would not get out of my head until I wrote it down. I actually have another one of S1E20 that I haven't posted yet; I'm debating doing a single story where each chapter is the rational version of one episode. If I do that, I'd like to have the chapters in order, so I'll wait to post E20.
u/FaceDeer [+13] (5 hours later)
To be fair, Stargate actually did follow up somewhat rationally on some of the technologies they discovered over the course of the series. Not every single one, of course, and they didn't always do so optimally, but compared to the Star Treks out there it was fantastic. They started out the series with ordinary firearms and stuff, and by the end of the series humanity was building starships that outclassed pretty much everything else out there thanks to the technology they'd picked up. They stood on relatively even ground with warships that were designed by literal gods.
One particular instance that comes to mind is the episode where they encounter a planet where everybody's trapped in a Matrix-like VR sim, and then a couple seasons later we discover that the Tau'ri reverse-engineered the VR technology and were using it to run training simulations.
Then there was the time they rebuilt a Death Glider, and then when that didn't work well in the episode they took it for a test-fly they switched to a Death Glider version completely from scratch (the F-302). And improved greatly on the design in the process.
Or there was that time they met a Reol in "The Fifth Man", who naturally exudes a chemical that makes people see it as someone they know and trust, and then later used that chemical to disguise Daniel as Yu's most trusted servant to infiltrate a Goa'uld summit.
Or how they accidentally learned how to play time dilation tricks with black holes and Stargates, or how to cause an active Stargate to "jump" its connection from one gate to another, and used those deliberately in later episodes.
There was a lot of good rational stuff hidden in that show, especially by the usual science fiction television baseline.
u/eaglejarl [+5] (7 hours later)
Valid points all. It was a lot better about that than any other show that springs to mind. That doesn't stop me from wanting to pick on the episodes that weren't quite as bright, though. :>
u/FaceDeer [+3] (8 hours later)
Oh, certainly. There were a few head-desking moments that went beyond simple forgetfulness, too. But I remembered being greatly cheered by the moments when the SG series remembered stuff they'd discovered in previous episodes, so I figured I should defend its honor a little bit. :)
u/nerdguy1138 [+1] GNU Terry Pratchett (2 days later)
Please write more of these!
u/eaglejarl [+1] (2 days later)
Heh.
Your wish, sa'hib. They're fun and easy; I'll finish the bit that I'm working on and then knock a few more out.
u/SvalbardCaretaker [+6] Mouse Army (2 hours later)
Oh my godess, rational!Stargate via episodes by Eaglejarl would be the best thing since sliced silicium wafers! Please write it!
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+3] Champion of Justice and Reason (4 hours later)
seconded, even though i don't know what sliced silicium wafers are!
u/SvalbardCaretaker [+3] Mouse Army (5 hours later)
Its the stuff modern PC processors are made of. And a play on words with "sliced bread" vs. the wonders of the digital age.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (5 hours later)
It's an old word for silicon. I had to look it up.
u/philip1201 [+1] (8 hours later)
It's also the word for silicon in many present-day languages other than English, which is probably what caused the malapropism.
u/JackStargazer [+4] Primordial Apologist (21 hours later)
From a realpolitik standpoint, the whole 'hiding everything that happens from everyone up to and including actual alien assaults on the planet with goddamn spaceships' was very, very stupid, and only worked because of insane handwavium.
Especially if the survival of the planet (or entire galaxy) relied on it. Imagine how many F-304s could have been produced in the same time with the alien tech upgraded budget and industry of the whole goddamn planet, and not just a single nation (or later group of nations) black ops budget.
This isn't even mentioning the issue that could have shown up if in that episode where the Go'auld tried to plant a sleeper agent in Russia to start a nuclear war, they had instead gone for some nuke-owning nation that didn't even know they existed, like Israel or India.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (21 hours later)
Good point.
It was also a little strange. I mean, sure, keep it black when it's first being established. Once SG-1 has actually blown up a pair of ships in orbit, though? Why NOT go public at that point? Think of the political hay to be made!
EDIT: Fixed phone auto-correct error.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (a day later)
"We saved the planet from an alien invasion! That we technically caused! And also, if they had been smart, they still would have had time to destroy at least their 10 least favorite major population centres!"
The problem is that until they have real effective orbital defences, it's a serious issue with public morale, and once they do have real, effective orbital defences it's a serious issue with the global political climate. Because like they mentioned in the episode where Daniel goes on a spirit walk via mostlyAscendedKid, orbital defenses capable of shooting down Ha'taks can also fire at ground targets with the power of very large nukes.
It just goes to prove that old Jaffa proverb: 'The best defense is a good Ha'tak.'
u/eaglejarl [+1] (2 days later)
It just goes to prove that old Jaffa proverb: 'The best defense is a good Ha'tak.'
That is horrible. I salute you.
u/Transfuturist [+1] Carthago delenda est. (an hour later)
Which SG series would you recommend?
u/Harkins [+5] (an hour later)
Stargate: SG1 is the fun one. The general formula is that every episode involves visiting a new planet with each season having a big bad they defeat via handwavey writing.
Stargate: Atlantis I didn't watch.
Stargate: Universe is the knockoff of Battlestar Galactica + Star Trek Voyager that will make you sad about wasted potential
u/eaglejarl [+2] (2 hours later)
Impressive thing about SG-1: it ran for 10 years and they managed not to jump the shark for a long time. (I wasn't fond of the Ori arcs, but everything before that was good as far as I remember.)
Despite its flaws, it was a great show.
u/None [+1] (13 hours later)
And really even the Ori themselves weren't really jumping the shark. (How they resolved that in the movie was, but meh).
u/buckykat [+3] (6 hours later)
first seven seasons of SG1 > atlantis > rest of SG1 >> universe
u/Transfuturist [+1] Carthago delenda est. (an hour later)
Just, not S1E21, huh.
u/Harkins [+2] (2 hours later)
It's a clip show, they had a few.
u/Transfuturist [+1] Carthago delenda est. (2 hours later)
Oh, ew.
u/arromdee [+5] (10 hours later)
I tend to agree with people here that Stargate wasn't perfect, but they were a lot better than other shows at remembering that they had discovered useful items and using them in later episodes. And they did do some other clever things. (Stargates don't go far enough to get to the Pegasus Galaxy? Line up a string of Stargates.)
Also, if you pay attention, an astonishing number of the devices found near the start of the series were one-of-a-kind and destroyed at the end of the episode, or otherwise had some reasonable in-story explanation as to why they couldn't reuse them. (Not counting the sarcophagus and the ability to disintegrate with their weapons, which were deliberately forgotten by the writers because they really break plots.)
And remember that the start of the Stargate series was before strong story arcs were as common as they are now. Shows tended to be written as standalone episodes so that you could watch them in any order in syndication.
u/None [+1] (13 hours later)
Though they did get rid of that after they discovered very good reasons.
They mocked the disintegrate ability in the 200th episode, basically admitting it was a terrible idea from the start and that you should pretend it never happened (And they played up the problems with the sarcophagus to explain why they wee almost never used).
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (21 hours later)
Except by Daniel Jackson.
I think by now he's been killed, what, 7? 8 times?
u/eaglejarl [+1] (21 hours later)
Once in the movie before the show even started, IIRC. Again when the ships were in orbit. Again on that planet where he saved the princess from suicide. And those are just the ones I've seen on this go-through; I'm only up to mid-season 2.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (21 hours later)
There was also the Nox episode where they all died for about five minutes before returning via space hippy.
u/eaglejarl [+2] (22 hours later)
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Oh, man, I totally need to do that episode. The whole thing will consist of:
Teal'c: Well, that was surprisingly easy.
Jack: Yeah, seriously. Glad I shot Apophis first; who would have thought he actually had a personal force shield?!
Daniel: Yeah, and it's a good thing we all stayed behind cover the whole time too. Those staff weapons are pretty powerful.
Sam: Didn't really matter, Daniel. I mean, c'mon, we were...what?...ten feet from those guys when we opened fire? We're not stormtroopers for God's sake, we're trained Air Force soldiers. We can actually hit what we aim at, there were only two of the bad guys for us to take down, and they were standing right in the open!
Jack: Yeah, seriously. C'mon, let's get Apophis into the brig and grab a beer. First round's on me.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (a day later)
It's amazing how many of those things you only notice in hindsight. That was about the least tactical way of handling that fight, especially for a team of specialists headed by a guy with a decade of Black Ops experience. The concept of 'snipers' comes to mind.
u/eaglejarl [+1] (2 days later)
Seriously. It really should have been "three shots, three kills."
Well, maybe "three shots, two kills and a capture" if they were feeling like taking Apophis prisoner.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (2 days later)
And they'd best have extra loopy juice if they plan to capture as well. I mean, with the way Go'auld can jump ship to other bodies in the event of capture, I wouldn't trust any cell less paranoid than X-COM to hold one.
u/None [+2] (3 days later)
Ooh, a Stargate X-COM crossover. Now that's something I'd read.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (3 days later)
It exists. It's a deadfic though, the first is finished but the Stlantis based second one is not.
Now, it's based on the early 90's original X-com instead of the current Enemy Unknown, so some things may be different. The writing and wording is a little awkward in some places, but the plot is well thought out, and the consequences of the technologies are also excellent. Jaffa are laughable tacticians to people used to competent and deadly Sectiods.
u/None [+2] (3 days later)
Awesome! I'll check it out.
u/None [+2] (4 days later)
Dear Cthulhu, this is incredibly poorly written. Entertaining ideas, but my eyes are bleeding.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (5 days later)
It gets better later on, and it's not the worst I've ever seen and still read. There are some SpaceBattles stories with atrocious grammar.
u/None [+2] (5 days later)
Yeah, I've read worse fanfic in my time too. I think this subreddit has spoiled me with its good writing.
u/None [+2] (9 days later)
I just found an absolutely incredible XCOM/My Little Pony crossover. It's better than it sounds!
u/iamzeph [+1] (5 hours later)
I liked it! The tone for the various characters seemed pretty spot-on too
u/tobyyas [+1] (a day later)
Pretty nice. Didn't like the grunt part though. Seems kind of reasonable to interview the primary team with constant alien interactions. Sam alone should be worth consulting since she's a technology expert.