9.9 KiB
Pokemon: The Origin of Species Chapter 23 - The Decisive Path, Part 2
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Author: u/DaystarEld Pokémon Professor*
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URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9794740/23/Pokemon-The-Origin-of-Species
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Score: 36
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Created: 2015-09-02T21:09:05
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+20] (2 hours later)
[deleted]
u/DaystarEld [+9] Pokémon Professor (5 hours later)
This explains a lot about the in-game nature of trainers getting harder and explains why Blue thinks it's possible to get a Badge so soon: They scale in difficulty.
Yeah, it's something I think bothered a lot of people about the games, but was fairly easy to rationalize.
I liked this chapter. I'm glad that Blue lost; I feel that if he had won it would have sent a message more of the challenge being trivial more than of Blue's skill being exceptional. Mainly because he wasn't at all exceptional with how he prepared for that fight.
Yep. I felt a bit reluctant to include that Blue already fought Brock in the chapter with Red, since it kind of killed the suspense with the previous chapter where he's fighting through the underlings, but I hope some people picked up on the "fought" rather than "beat" in what he told Red and realized that he's not assured victory: as someone commented on FF, I'm not a huge fan of stories where protagonists win on pure willpower, and even being an above average novice, Blue was being far too reckless.
u/PeridexisErrant [+8] put aside fear for courage, and death for life (9 hours later)
It's great - most of the best Pokemon stories go with what you might call the ubermensch theme: if you are determined enough and morally deserve it, you can gain powers beyond any other. It's common in japanese stories; there are some legendary characters who stand out because they're just better (eg Itachi from Naruto, Red, etc.).
I think your story is deeper for leaving that behind, and I like it.
u/Ulmaxes [+7] (22 hours later)
Excellent stuff. I loved the characterization of the battlefield, really helped paint a specific picture versus the generic "room with dirt" setup. I also observed that this chapter stand very well on its own; an outside reader wouldn't need to know anything else about this fanfic in particular to follow and enjoy the events. I shared this particular chapter with some friends, trying to get them hooked; I felt it could do the job really well without making them feel lost. The only bump in that road would be Aeosus, but a quick explanation of what it was fixed that easily.
Keep it up!
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! I find the idea of good stand alone chapters interesting as well: I tried to write the Interlude with Brock and Janine as types of "short story" chapters that would be easy to read for those that haven't been following it yet. Curious to know what your friends end up thinking of this one!
u/liamash3 [+3] Mizu (17 hours later)
Something eases his in chest when it confirms that his shroomish is still alive, and he puts his dex away with a sigh.
eases in his
Would Red or Leaf have told told him as much if he asked them?
just one told here.
Was a good chapter. I liked seeing Blue react to Brock's tactics, how the leader taught as he battled, the references to pokemon biology and how moves are used you sprinkled into the story as it progressed. Think you even references the different game generations at the end with how Brock once taught Bide but now hands out Rock Tomb TM.
Any reason you've gone for lowercase for species names and game titles, such as gym leader?
u/DaystarEld [+6] Pokémon Professor (18 hours later)
Fixed, thanks!
In my view, species names are non-capitalized when not referring to a specific pokemon the same way animals in our world are non-capitalized. There's no reason to consider pokemon names proper nouns other than the convention set in the games.
As for titles like gym leader, they're capitalized when they come before or after the name, again like in our world, but not otherwise. Or that's the theory anyway: I might have been inconsistent somewhere, and if so that's a typo :)
Glad someone caught the TM change reference too!
u/empocariam [+2] (a day later)
I wonder if gym leaders hand out the same TM to any level of challenger. Is Rock Tomb really as useful to some-one who just earned their 7th badge, or would they get something more rare/valuable/powerful. This assumes that their isn't some kind of "copyright" held by Brock for Rock Tomb, but I can't imagine that as something a near-to-post scarcity world could really enforce.
u/DaystarEld [+6] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
Not a copyright as such, but there are some techniques that are considered too risky for trainers that haven't proven their ability to handle. Bide is one of them, while Rock Tomb is relatively safe to hand out to anyone. The more experienced challengers are more likely to qualify for learning Bide instead/in addition.
u/Laborbuch [+2] (10 hours later)
I’m curious. You wrote something like "He was sure of victory in the future, ans he already saw a path to it." and later outright "path to victory." Is that a shout-out to the webserial Worm? I mean, it doesn’t necessarily have to be, but at the same time it isn’t ludicrously improbable, either.
u/None [+5] (13 hours later)
Given that Lung was mentioned earlier, I think the phrasing was a Worm reference.
u/DaystarEld [+5] Pokémon Professor (17 hours later)
It is and it isn't: I have read and loved Worm, and half the time I see the phrase "path to victory" I think of it now, but it's been used in other contexts before as well, both as a superpower and just as a phrase :)
u/Aretii [+6] Cultist of Cthugha (a day later)
Pretty sure it shows up in Ender's Game. The concept certainly does, even if the exact phrase does not.
The Miles Vorkosigan books have it too, come to think, particularly The Vor Game.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (a minute later)
Hey all, sorry for the delay: fanfiction's account management was finally fixed earlier today, and I was just able to get the new chapter up. Hope you enjoy it! If you spot any typos, feel free to respond with them here.
u/None [+3] (2 hours later)
[deleted]
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (5 hours later)
Fixed, thanks!
u/4t0m [+3] Chaos Legion (3 hours later)
As always I'm super happy to see a new chapter. Keep up the good work!
Some other typos I noticed:
they all make it clear that something fantastic was happening, something that would help forge legends and shape fates.
I think "was" should be "is", and then maybe "would" should be "will".
From the other side of a screen, the battles might as well have been happening in some big warehouse.
"Have been" should maybe be "be". I'm not sure about this note and the above though. The tenses are kind of weird for this whole paragraph.
This is a place destiny is decided.
Maybe add a "where".
usual orange and dark khaki shirt
should be dark-khaki (adv.-adj.)
he has shown the will and skill to attempt a place among us as equals
Should be "a place as an equal" imo.
Each is more difficult than the last, and dictates what pokemon and techniques Brock would use.
"Would" should maybe be "will".
It grabs a rock from the ground and grinds the pieces against it, then tosses the stone toward Gon before repeating the process.
Kind of unclear from a grammatical standpoint which rocks it throws.
pokeeball
pokeball
The onix bobs its head to the side she sticks her head out and spurts water at its face.
Maybe add an "as" between "side" and "she".
the spectator's applause
spectators'
For the following it looks like there's a formatting error where a line break is missing:
Grinning like a madman might give a bad impression. "Leader Brock, of Pewter City, 138th Indigo League Champion, Trainer of Aeosus, The Mountain's Might!" This time the applause are much louder. Brock is hard to make out in the distance, but the screens show him walking toward his platform in his usual orange and dark khaki shirt and cargo pants. Like his gym, Brock often clothes himself in the functional rather than flashy. It makes the Gym Leader look far less imposing than the reinforced leather he wore in the forest, which he needed to safely ride Aeosus. As Brock gets close enough to mount his platform, Blue can just recognize him with the naked eye. Brock attaches an earpiece and mic to his ear, and Blue takes out the one he was given and does the same. After a moment the earpiece comes to life, and he hears Brock's voice in it. "Hello again, Mr. Oak. Left toggle is to talk to me, right is to use the stadium speakers. Test your mic by responding to me, then announce your challenge after I address you, and then we'll begin."
and
"Well done, challenger! You have once again demonstrated the trait our gym most prizes." "Thank you, Leader. I learned the value of decisive action while fighting the Viridian Forest fire, and from our meeting there I knew I had more to learn. Your members proved apt teachers throughout the day."
and
Leader Brock comes in looking annoyingly stoic as ever, and Blue gets to his feet with a mostly contained sigh. "No, please, stay seated. I know you've had a long day. How are you holding up?"
They look a bit different here from how they look in the chapter, but you'll notice that something's up.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (5 hours later)
Fixed, thanks a lot!