5.9 KiB
[RT][HSF][WIP]Set In Stone: Follower new content
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Author: u/Farmerbob1 Level 1 author*
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URL: https://www.reddit.com/r/rational/comments/3s4jt8/rthsfwipset_in_stone_follower_new_content/
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Score: 5
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Created: 2015-11-09T12:27:07
Post:
Editing continues.
While working on improving the pacing of the story, I decided to create a series of new content in flashback events while Allen is running back home. Allen's violence-prone nature is explained. Allen and Marza are heavily characterized. Oskar is introduced earlier. (he was Rikard, just being renamed.) The attitude of the community towards violence is explored, and a law enforcement officer is introduced.
The book will have no prologue. There will only pre-chapter entries. The most recent two chapters have long pre-chapter entries, much longer than I want to use most of the time, but they are fairly important backstory.
Instead of shortening the story, all I've managed to do so far is make it longer in order to add intensity in the early part of the book. There will be cutting of much fluff in later chapters.
I would greatly appreciate feedback, especially in regards to flow. Have I made it clear when flashbacks begin and end? Is it confusing?
Comments:
u/gommm [+2] (a day later)
I felt that the introduction of the flashback felt a bit forced. I also think that it's maybe better left unsaid? In the previous drafts, it was clear that an attempted rape happened and the antagonism between Allen and Oskar was palpable and easily felt. The reader could easily imagine what happened. I'm not sure having the full story brings much to it...On the other hand the aftermaths of the incident does help shed some light on the attitude towards violence and the interventionism of Albert. Those parts could probably be used as a flashback later (the scene in the jail is strong and powerful).
Also, Chapter 2 is all about the Locusts and the consequences of the locust swarm. I think adding a story thread about Oskar, the attempted rape and the aftermaths dilutes the sense of urgency caused by the locuts. Introducing him later (like in the original drafts) is much better I think.
BTW, I really like the backstory extracts. My favorite so far is the one from Chapter 4.
Sidenote: I personally liked Rikard as a name because in my native language (French), the -ard suffix is usually used for words with a negative connotation.
u/Farmerbob1 [+2] Level 1 author (a day later)
I'm a bit rambly here, and not entirely certain what I'm going to do with the flashbacks. Lots to think about.
I will look at the first flashback introduction and see if I can figure out a more natural way to introduce it. Perhaps have one of Oskar's relatives ride by, and say something snide, or just stare. Failing that, I might just move it farther back in the story.
There were a lot of reasons I added the flashbacks. The primary reason was intensity. Additional reasons were, like you said, world-building.
Two things you didn't mention though: I wanted to establish that Allen was damaged by the encounter. He always had the potential to be good at violence, but it wasn't his nature to be violent until he was forced into it. He feels betrayed by the legal system. He understands that he's wrong by the moral and legal standards of society, but at the same time he's struggling against biological instincts.
Finally, I wanted to establish Marza as a strong character at the beginning, because I'm going to be working with her in future books in the series. One of the things that have been pointed out to me is that I tend to write very male-centric, and I am trying to address that with stronger female characters. While Marza does portray weakness, she also portrays strength and growth. Just like Allen does.
I changed Rikard's name because it was too close to Riko's. The French -ard suffix having negative connotations was something I didn't know. I'll think about possible alternate names.
In terms of when the flashbacks occur, I could introduce the second and third flashbacks during the trip to town when he's reporting for duty at the beginning of Act II (after he gets the draft letter). It would avoid interrupting the locust swarm scenes, and I could certainly introduce it more naturally if he actually ran into Oskar and Nelson. The town scenes were pretty dull, intensity-wise. After I cut down the Act I scenes, they might not drag so badly, but the first half of Act II definitely needs some life in it.
I really appreciate your response!
u/gommm [+2] (2 days later)
Yes, I agree that it works well to establish that Allen was damaged by the encounter. That's why out of all the flashbacks, I felt that the jail scene when Marza showed Allen that he hurted her was powerful. It's when Allen and the reader realizes how deeply he has sunk and that he really has a problem. I'm just not sure it's useful to relate the actual rape intent?
I completely agree with you about Act 2, it might be a better moment to introduce it, I wonder if having those flashbacks come up once Allen realizes that Rikard is also drafted wouldn't also give them more emotional power? As I said before, I really enjoyed Set In Stone, it was one of my favorite stories appearing on this subreddit so I'm happy if I can be of help :-)
u/Farmerbob1 [+1] Level 1 author (2 days later)
Replaced Oskar with Bernard (in my internal version - will update the blog later) I will move the flashbacks farther back in the story as well. I believe you are right that Act I up until the Countyrep delivers the draft notice will stand on it's own. There are better scenes later where flashbacks are more realistically triggered.