7.0 KiB
[RT][FF] Shears, Chapter 1 (r!MLP)
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Author: u/Calamitizer Shears*
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Score: 13
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Created: 2015-11-19T04:06:44
Post:
Comments:
u/Transfuturist [+7] Carthago delenda est. (an hour later)
Immediate comment: the conventional paragraph formatting for internet writing in general and fanfiction in particular is no indentation and double returns.
Twilight Sparkle, lying alongside a slow Canterlot riverbank, staring at the midday sun overhead, following larger, more wandering thoughts, shuts the book.
Way too many parenthetical phrases. You do not want to separate your subject and your predicate so drastically, even as a stylistic choice. It doesn't set a good precedent for your narration in future.
u/None [+1] (11 hours later)
Way too many parenthetical phrases.
Davka precisely enough appositives to show point of view. This is Twilight Sparkle you're talking about. Her thoughts are supposed to be ivy-covered with other thoughts.
u/Transfuturist [+3] Carthago delenda est. (16 hours later)
It isn't showing her thinking, it's telling her thinking. If the perspective drops into a more observer-relative frame later on then run-on sentences could become more applicable.
u/Calamitizer [+3] Shears (35 seconds later)
As first brought up in this post, this is my stab at a rational(ist) My Little Pony fanfiction. No prior canon knowledge is (intended to be) required.
The main goals here are to explore an MLP with
- a more complicated non-"magic" magic system, with rules and consistency
- characters that don't click together so nicely out of the gate
- a quite troubled protagonist.
I would very much value feedback of any sort! I've never written any fiction before. I'm very interested to hear from canon fans and non-fans alike. Another concern of mine is chapter length: Right now, the story is segmented into quite small chapters (1.5-3k words). This fits much more naturally with my schedule than longer, less frequent chapters, but I'm unsure whether the average reader would be okay with reading in chunks of that size. I write pretty slowly, since I'm coming at this with zero experience, and I'd really prefer to get feedback as I go, for the same reason. I do expect the segments to get naturally longer, like it seems most serial fictions do, as the story progresses and I become more purposeful as a writer. It baffles me to this day how Wildbow keeps up such an insane output. But I'm willing to conform to a spikier writing schedule if that would be widely preferred (if there's any audience at all!).
I realize it's pretty hard to judge a story so small, so I'll probably be pretty generous with the content I have so far. So far, I've written about 15k words, which I'll post staggered for a while while I continue writing. I'll most likely post the second chapter tomorrow, and then every two days after that until I catch up. After that, Celestia only knows. =p
u/None [+2] (11 hours later)
[deleted]
u/Calamitizer [+1] Shears (15 hours later)
Thanks for the feedback! The idea was to replace the canon intro of the show; the fic also opens with Twilight reading a history book by a river, it's just a drastically different history book. That said, I do think maybe some paragraphs could be chopped off and added later... But this is the only planned expo-dump for quite a while.
u/gtsteel [+2] (3 days later)
As your history book mentions Wendigos, it is interesting to point out that where I am, "wendigo" is a local word that translates into Engligh as "paperclip maximizer", although it's a bit more general as it refers to all dangerous optimizers, not necessarily transistorized or superintelligent. Although is is commonly ussed to describe insane people who act this way, the word also commonly refers to dangerous feedback systems that can occur in human interactions (as an example, Wendigo is one of the trnslations of "corporation", dut to the legal obligation to maximize profit for shareholders), or any other kind of optimizing system that poses a threat to its surrounding life forms, on any scale. This definition could make for some very interesting plot points.
u/daydev [+1] (6 hours later)
I usually mostly lurk, but since you're a new author, I'd like to express my support explicitly for a change. So far seems interesting, and sufficiently authentic for the book Twilight was reading. It's already evident that your try to patch holes (and blank spots) in the worldbuilding, and I approve. Would follow/read more.
P.S. Elements Change
u/Charlie___ [+3] (17 hours later)
u/daydev [+2] (18 hours later)
No, silly, it's the Element of .
But seriously, though, when I think about it, /u/Calamitizer, one could argue that .
u/Calamitizer [+1] Shears (a day later)
Crap, you are totally right. I meant to switch that out but I altered the alpha copy only. Thanks for pointing it out!
u/Riddle-Tom_Riddle [+1] (2 days later)
Your first spoiler didn't quite work properly on mobile :(
http://i.imgur.com/kaN1HFe.png
I have no idea why. They both appear to be the same when I view source on your comment(via attempting a quote). Do your spoiler tagged items in both this comment and your one two comments above this function identically on pc?
u/Transfuturist [+2] Carthago delenda est. (2 days later)
The Element of Spoiler sounds anti-Harmony to me.
u/daydev [+1] (2 days later)
I dunno, I wrote them the same as far as I can tell, and they look the same on PC. Maybe it's some silliness about the first spoiler being very short (esp. shorter than the word "SPOILER"). Let's try it:
u/Riddle-Tom_Riddle [+1] (2 days later)
They both are the same, and they both work.
u/daydev [+1] (2 days later)
Ok, I have another guess. I had my own double quotes around a word inside technical double quotes of the spoiler format in the offending comment, it may have confused your browser. I've changed it to single quotes, did it change what your see?
u/Calamitizer [+1] Shears (15 hours later)
Thank you! =]