5.3 KiB
[RT] [WIP] [HF] Spellcraft and Heavy Artillery
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Author: u/logic11 *
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URL: http://dreamtime.logic11.com/index.php/2016/05/06/another-story-beginning/
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Score: 13
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Created: 2016-05-11T12:45:23
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+4] (2 hours later)
First thing that jumps out at me (in a bad way) is that you tell rather than show immediately. We get "he was thin with expensive clothes" rather than "fabric clung to the hollow where a healthy man would have a gut. It crawled with embroidery, red and gold. Tom glared. What was a rich little waif doing in here?" I don't care what the mage looks like because I have no concept of what he actually looks like or how Tom feels about it, even though the paragraph is in Tom's POV.
On a character level, I don't like him much either. He has a very "rich officer slumming it with underlings" tone, full of condescension. Maybe that's intentional, but it's more irritating than sympathetic to my eyes at least.
u/logic11 [+3] (2 hours later)
The lack of being sympathetic is intentional, very much intentional. This character has a hard time becoming sympathetic...
As to the feedback, very much appreciated. My usual process is to finish a story, wait, re-read it, create a second draft, send it to beta readers, re-read it, create a third draft, possibly publish that one after line edits. This is an experiment... it's all first draft, although I will edit as I get feedback on it, and as I re-read it. When I have enough space from the story I will incorporate that feedback into an edit.
Those edits scare me a little bit, but the ones that really scare me are bigger story arc and structure edits. This is the first thing I have released this way, I'm used to being able to go back and edit things before people see them... it's frankly a little terrifying.
u/None [+2] (3 hours later)
Kudos to you, then - I've never finished anything longer than 10 000 words. Is the first draft mostly for character and plot, then?
u/logic11 [+2] (3 hours later)
Well, it's to have something to edit really... so yeah, characters, overall plot, getting something out there that I can shape into what I want.
My longest finished piece is just over 60k... and by finished I mean I'm doing line edits right now. All the content edits are finished. I'm going to be self publishing that one in a couple of weeks (I have a photo shoot scheduled to create the cover image I need, but the model is in the Bahamas until next week).
This project is very, very ambitious. It stemmed from thinking about what a society would look like if classic Dungeons and Dragons style magic existed, taking into account the fact that societies are largely shaped by warfare. Then I had to come up with crunchier rules for the magic system, because D&D magic makes little to no sense.
Adrian being hard to like is an important element in the story. The men are nice to him because he can make or break their career, but nobody really likes him very much at this point.
u/None [+5] (4 hours later)
Okay - that's kind of how it reads... But not really. It seems like, in-story, he's extremely likeable to the men, even though he's unlikeable to the reader, and the way they seem to instantly like him lends an unpleasant patina of Gary Stuishness to the writing. I think you were going for something like that, but the way it works is a little bit unpleasant. Combined with a lack of showing - we only know how Tom feels about expensive things because he says so directly - and the general feel is "here's a guy slumming it with his inferiors, and even though he's supposed to be unlikeable and condescending, they lap it right up."
The fact that all his physical qualities are positve - rich, thin, soft-voiced, eloquent - and he feels like a guy who's supposed to be likeable, and is liked by other characters - but that directly jars with the reader's impression, which is, "what a condescending prick".
u/logic11 [+3] (4 hours later)
Thanks, that actually helps a lot. I will modify Tom's thoughts on the matter. I do say in the next chapter that Adrian creeps him out, but I realized it's not in that chapter. Have to make it more clear that it's a matter of vested self interest... oh, and Adrian paying for all the drinks over the course of the night. That helps them react positively in the moment. Maybe an aside moment between Tom and one of the men, something like that.
u/logic11 [+3] (3 minutes later)
I'm releasing this as a serial novel. My goal is to have a combination of good literary values, and strong rational story development.
I have a well developed magic system, and a well developed set of motivations for the world and the characters. I can't promise to always be perfect, but I try.
Also, this series will always be available free on my site. I may also release it via Amazon once I have it complete, but never only on Amazon (any rumours that amazon requires six months exclusivity are based entirely on KDP select, which is an opt in program, one I will never join as it is antithetical to my core values).
Hope you like it.