2.6 KiB
[RT] [WIP] [HF] Love is in the Air – Spellcraft and Heavy Artillery Chapter 5
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Author: u/logic11 *
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URL: http://dreamtime.logic11.com/index.php/2016/06/03/love-is-in-the-air/
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Score: 3
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Created: 2016-06-03T10:34:08
Post:
Comments:
u/JackStargazer [+2] Primordial Apologist (a day later)
Something I'm noticing with this, and it's a thing that I had a lot of trouble not doing with my own work, is that it is almost 100% dialogue.
There are very few descriptors, explanations of how or why people are saying things, or actions outside of dedicated action scenes or infodumps. You tend to get on a roll and write out an entire conversation without any extraneous text whatsoever. As an example here, everything between “Do I know you?” and “Yes, I am. Still not sure why Charlie and I are meeting you.” is one unbroken set of speech. You only add descriptors in when a third party breaks into the conversation.
My only other critique is that it is going very fast and I could use a bit more exposition. Is Adrian really the only mage who isn't a robot? If he is, how do new spells normally get developed? There's obviously been some research. Why over a hundred years has nobody thought to use a war mage as a weapon of terror and nuke a capitol?
It seems to be well within their capabilities - Adrian just boasted he could take down another nation solo in six months.
u/logic11 [+1] (a day later)
There's more to why Adrian has that edge... three things really. Two would be spoilers, number three is geographical. Iskengar and Gandia are on the same landmass, and they have split that landmass. The other two will have be revealed in time.
Thanks for the tips on the writing, I agree and will be looking at improving that aspect as I go.
u/logic11 [+1] (2 minutes later)
Yet another chapter in my ongoing crappy epic... Hope people like it. Yes, there are a few problems with the series, some of which I have plans for resolving (specific plot points that are addressed later), and some of which are writing related. Those I appreciate having pointed out to me, I do intend to fix them, but I might also not know they are there unless someone tells me, editing your own stuff is always hard on the brain.
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (a day later)
Is there an epub?
u/logic11 [+1] (a day later)
Not yet. If you want one I can build one, haven't yet because WIP...
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (a day later)
Please do so, that's the only way I can read long texts.