5.6 KiB
[RT][FF] Horizon Breach - Chapters 6 & 7 [Log Horizon]
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Author: u/GaBeRockKing Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857*
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Score: 10
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Created: 2016-06-05T14:52:16
Post:
Comments:
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (6 minutes later)
#Summary:
Players once trapped in a video game world find a way to connect it to the original world... but since the video game world is a real world in its own right, they get to keep their powers, and people back on earth can figure out how to use them as well. Politics ensue.
Log Horizon fans will get the most out of this, but it's written so as to be relatively understandable by people not familiar with the source material.
#Other Notes:
And this concludes the bulk of arc 1. We'll have one chapter of wrap-up, one chapter of setup, the promised "deleted scenes" chapter and then off to arc 2 after a week's break.
Chapter 7 was a concerted effort to practice writing better battle scenes, so I'd love feedback on that!
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (2 hours later)
Wait, how did the shield trick work? She shielded the truck so it wouldn't take damage, and shielded the other side of the monster in mid air so it was crushed against an impenetrable barrier?
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (2 hours later)
The monster tried to intercept the truck, she set up a shield in the truck's direction of movement, and the monster was smooshed in between the truck and shield. It wouldn't have been an instakill on its own, but the monster was already heavily damaged by the other members of minori's team.
I admit, though-- I heard some confusion from my beta when he read the part. Could you suggest how to make that clearer?
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (2 hours later)
You mention multiple barriers being formed but not in what orientation or where.
Something like... "The barriers enclosed the monster, trapping it in the path of the truck, unbreakable walls cutting off any hope of escape.
And in the microsecond before the truck hit it, its eyes - not operating on the slow speed of nerve and mortal flesh - began to widen...
And then that imperceptible amount of time passed, and the monster was splattered across every lane of traffic as it inadvertently found itself between an immovable object and an unstoppable force."
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (2 hours later)
Good suggestion, I'll include something similar (albeit a little less wordy :P)
How does this sound?:
“Prayer to the Four Quarters!”
Black, red, white and blue barriers, arranged into a stack in front of the truck, blinked into, and rapidly out of, existence.
The monster was splattered across every lane of traffic, as it inadvertently found itself sandwiched between an immovable object and an unstoppable force.
u/JackStargazer [+1] Primordial Apologist (3 hours later)
I'm not sure what is meant by a stack in this context.
And yes. I do wordy a lot. Most stories here have their share of wordyness.
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (3 hours later)
I'll include something about the shields being disc shaped earlier in the chapter, then.
u/MaddoScientisto [+1] (5 hours later)
I have just read this in the chapter and I had no idea what happened
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (5 hours later)
:(
new proposed edit:
It jumped onto the front of the truck, underneath the driver’s line of sight.
“Prayer to the Four Quarters!”
Black, red, white and blue barriers arranged into a rectangular prism, blinked into, and rapidly out of, existence.
During that instant, the monster found itself sandwiched between the barriers and the truck. It was splattered across every lane of traffic, as it inadvertently found itself sandwiched between an immovable object and an unstoppable force.
Had to make a slight change to barrier arrangement due to re-reading the wiki page.
u/rhaps0dy4 [+1] (7 hours later)
But if the prism enclosed the Genius, one of them was in the direction of the truck? So it would prevent the truck from touching the Genius.
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (7 hours later)
barriers don't enclose the genius. Man, it's difficult coming up with a proper explanation.
u/None [+1] (10 hours later)
[deleted]
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (11 hours later)
made a slight change: is it any better?
I added a line before the last paragraph and changed the first sentence of the last paragraph.
u/None [+1] (14 hours later)
[deleted]
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (20 hours later)
The monster had already been damaged by the previous fight, which is why it didb't destroy the truck.