5.3 KiB
[RT] Delvers LLC, litRPG that attempts to make logical sense!
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Author: u/BlaiseCorvin *
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Score: 9
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Created: 2016-06-14T16:37:15
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+6] (43 minutes later)
Ugh, I hope this doesn't sound too mean, but I'm not too impressed. You tend to put exposition dumps in the middle of dialogue, and your descriptions seem similarly cluttered.
Dialogue in general seems to be the biggest flaw, neither of the main characters seem "real" to me. I even had trouble telling them apart, and that was just in the first couple chapters. I have no clue if your character writing gets better later on, but if it does you might want to consider rewriting the start of the story, because it's turned me off your book entirely.
I'm sorry my advice isn't really constructive, I'm not a writer myself, but I hope it helps regardless.
u/BlaiseCorvin [+5] (an hour later)
All advice that isn't just slamming is constructive, IMO.
I'm almost done with my story's first book. I'm planning a deep edit prior to publishing where I am going to (vigorously) address everything, but the first few chapters in particular.
This is my first real novel, so my growth as a writer is really obvious, especially between the first 50k and last 50k words.
Right now some people will like it, some people won't, and that's unfortunately the best answer I can give to your comments.
u/narfanator [+4] (12 hours later)
Thanks for writing something! I read the whole thing
I like your overall story. The characters are succeeding at thinking about the situation they're in, and in general, everyone has dimensions to who they are.
But...
So, normally I might try to write down what I don't like but I don't think that's helped in the past. Instead -
I found myself skimming a lot. I wanted to see what would happen, but I didn't feel any desire to read every word. This is fine. Just, if you feel an inspiration to make something into a beautiful use of words... indulge!
The combat focus. You've succeeded at putting them into a situation where it makes sense to seek out that danger (no money to hire someone else, need the literal loot), but if I were those two... this comes to mind: At SpaceX, apparently, every time you wonder if you should do something, they ask themselves: Does this take us to mars? For these two, it should be: Does this help us unite the continent?
With that goes - Every problem has been solved by violence. I really, really wanted to see them walk up to the dungeon and barter their way in. (Read about the economics of murder hobos). Make the next plot about one of those topics, maybe?
However, your biggest problem? The one that is making your story suffer the most? You need to pass the bloody Bechdel test. You should do this as soon as possible.
This is not because feminism yadda yadda patriarchy. It's because you've got some amazing characters that haven't had a chance to shine. The deep, interpersonal conversations between the male leads have been great; they really establish their characters and give them a distinct voice. Do the same for your women.
u/BlaiseCorvin [+2] (15 hours later)
Excellent points, thank you!
This is some of the best feedback I've ever gotten - no lie.
I plan to add a few chapters before publishing and I definitely want to have at least a chapter fleshing out Kinwe-na-ibbi and Uluula some more.
As for solving problems without violence, book two is going that direction. :) If you're caught up to the latest chapter on my website, you can probably tell that something is brewing with the orks.
I really like the idea of subverting fantasy tropes. I'm working on it, I promise! I guess I'm just not moving fast enough.
Thank you again for your feedback and I'm honored you took the time to read my work.
-BC
u/BlaiseCorvin [+3] (2 minutes later)
Hi all, I've been lurking for a while, I figured it was time to finally give everyone a link to my story since I'm almost done with the first book.
Delvers LLC is the title of my "transported" series. I was tired of of (what I considered to be) lazy writing in some of the escapist genres I like, so... I wrote my own!
Delvers isn't perfect, but it doesn't just wave away world building. I also did a lot of research to make some of the trope twists and world limitations plausible.
http://blaise-corvin.com/delvers-llc/
Thanks for your consideration!
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (2 hours later)
Bit of a nitpick with your summary: when you say "vain, and self-styled god" it sounds weird because "self-styled god" is used as a noun despite vain being an adjective. Instead, I'd write "vain, self-styled god."
u/BlaiseCorvin [+1] (7 days later)
One thing I've learned from writing seriously this year is that I suck at blurbs. I mean... I suck hard.
I need to rewrite my blurb before publishing.
u/BlaiseCorvin [+1] (a month later)
I just started book 2! Book 1 is coming along with the edit (very) slowly.