15 KiB
[RT] Horizon Breach ch 9 & 10
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Author: u/elevul Cyoria Observer*
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Score: 7
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Created: 2016-06-19T17:49:38
Post:
Comments:
u/MaddoScientisto [+2] (an hour later)
That moment of panic when I thought a new time loop was starting, nice reference
u/GaBeRockKing [+2] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (2 hours later)
the ff.net people aren't going to catch it, so it's our little secret :P
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (3 minutes later)
Jesus, you're fast.
Here's the AO3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857/chapters/16452031
I'm taking a one week break to improve Arc 2 (I wrote too much of my backlog sleep deprived and after midnight, and it kind of shows). In the meantime, can I get feedback on arc 1 as a whole? Please be as brutal as necessary.
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (4 minutes later)
Haha, I'm pretty excited about this story, so I set email alerts for it!
Thanks for AO3. It's awesome to have access to epubs.
u/Dwood15 [+1] (23 hours later)
So i think you have a good premise, but i have problems with the story and don't think it's really rational at this point. You haven't explained prior why shoryu would allow his mother to force him back to school or if the school would even accept him... it kind of jumps from first meeting her, to "back to school this Monday", to "You're going, mister!" to "okay."
His mother is made out to be narcissistic and/or psychotic without care for the kid or what he's been through... and shoryu is a complete pushover. It actually bothers me quite a lot at this point.
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (23 hours later)
What else would he do, though? His friends are either a. unreachable in akihabara or b. going to school. His main hobbies (Elder Tale, killing monsters) aren't available, and he doesn't really need to make money.
This is a serious question, by the way-- Shoryu's in school for lack of something better to do. If you know of something better, feel free to suggest it.
u/Dwood15 [+2] (a day later)
Warning, I got a little long-winded, lol.
You would benefit with closer inspection of the premise and rules of your modified ET universe. The Wednesday World-Building thread would be good, your own thread discussing the specific plot points you want to have happen would be good. Generic questions without naming your own story can help mask the plot a bit if you want.
Let's take a step back and look at the setting. Thousands of players of the game Elder Tale were teleported and transformed into their online avatars, and after a year or two, they have discovered a way to return. For all intents and purposes, these people were dead, and have just now returned to life. A series on Netflix, 'the 4400' explores this premise fairly well, and you would do well to see how different people react to different situations in that show. Moving on, having just four people returning so far, AND it's been shown that there are people willing to attack and attempt to KILL the people returning home. Regardless of power differences, I would be careful. Shoryu has other things to do as an adventurer until things solidify and stronger players come through and are able to guard the incoming portals better.
If the reason he's going to school is because he's bored, I expect some things to have to set up for it to be a thing. You are rushing it way too fast where it feels like you sent him there because you thought/think it would be fun to have a 'return to school' story. There's plenty of things he could be doing other than going to school, at this moment. In fact, for him to run off to school is completely irresponsible considering what just happened, and the discovery spreading that humans can use powers similar to the ET players, would give him plenty to do. Let's talk about other stuff he could be doing which would be more important than school.
A Genius just got through a portal to the real world and killed many people with its status effects. Shoryu absolutely needs to be ready when another portal opens, and for him to not attempt to prepare without communicating with his home guild and them describing what happened is irresponsible. If I read it correctly, he's the only person on 'our' side with the knowledge to deal with one. Being at school and then attempting to leave to deal with some kind of threat like a Genius are two extremely conflicting things. In fact, how fast the gang just ran from the scene of the battle was extremely suspect. Any responcible police force would want to talk to everyone involved and figure out what happened, ESPECIALLY if adventurers are involved with the problem. The way that Shoryu and the other adventurers ran off after the battle ended, they would be taken to the police station and interviewed, in fact the police may even consider pressing charges. I highly doubt any responsible force would let the kids go without interviewing them after the event, and getting a full fix for what's going on. Being the responsible people tehy are, I doubt anyone of LH would depart/abandon them. Also, what happened to the people who died because they were turned into monsters? The police would be all over it as the story developed. There's no school for Shoryu for at least 3-4 days while the police figure out wtf just happened, at the earliest.
Secondly, if school is something you want to pursue, 99% of parents that aren't psychotic wouldn't send them off immediately, nor would they be able to... It is extremely likely that prior to returning from some kind of traumatic experience there would be interviews with police agencies, psychiatric evaluations, etc, even if he managed to stay out of the eye of the public. The very fact that he's been gone for so long and has returned is going to make waves in the local community. Look at what happens when someone returns home from being missing for a week, let alone a year or more for examples. Being trapped in the world of Elder Tale would be closest akin to what happened in the 4400, except with more ptsd.
Eventually, Shoryu may return to school, but he's also going to end up getting repeat visits from reporters to his house, people are going to constantly be asking what it was like to be an adventurer, and so forth. Most responsible parents would work with the schools to set up therapy/social assistance programs to help their child who's had to physically kill other beings to live reintegrate with life and let things calm down for a bit before they do. Shoryu merely arrived home and instantly went to school. Surely he himself, literally not having school at all for 2 years or so, would be able to think of things more important in this situation.
Thirdly, if the Prime Minister has discovered that he has a Log horizon 'class' and associated abilities, he may want someone to train with, even if they aren't of the same 'class'. You touch on it with the accountant guy, but people are going to start offering big bucks to adventurers to train them or their children in the associated arts.
Shoryu's returning to school is made out to be his mother forcing him, and him passively saying 'ok' - If Shoryu has any sense of responsibility, or if he's not a cardboard cutout of his pre-ET teleport persona, wouldn't let it happen without major pushback.
u/GaBeRockKing [+2] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (a day later)
you know what? You're absolutely right. You've slightly misinterpreted a few events, but not enough to make your point invalid. As soon as I'm able, I'll make the interlude a noncanon omake, add a few paragraphs of shoryu arguing his mother around to his viewpoint of not going to school, and then make a new interlude with everything changed after the breakfast scene.
Thank you very much for taking the time to do your writeup; I'm glad I'm taking a one-week update break so I can fix issues like this.
/u/elevul, /u/Dwood15 , your (nondenominational) prayers have been answered.
u/Dwood15 [+2] (a day later)
Thanks for reading my reply and taking the criticism so well! I am excited to see the direction you take the story, it can be difficult to get to the plot points you want to explore in a rational manner.
I have one more thing which I could mention. I think you write fast paced scenes pretty well, and you seem to be managing so many characters well too. I would caution, however, that if you have too many things going on at once, it can be difficult for the reader to keep track of who is who and what is doing what. Consider slowing the story down/focusing on one person per chapter or increasing your word count per chapter a bit.
I look forward to reading your upcoming chapters and seeing where you go from here!
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (a day later)
I have one more thing which I could mention. I think you write fast paced scenes pretty well, and you seem to be managing so many characters well too. I would caution, however, that if you have too many things going on at once, it can be difficult for the reader to keep track of who is who and what is doing what. Consider slowing the story down/focusing on one person per chapter or increasing your word count per chapter a bit.
To be honest, that's part of the reason why Shoryu was sent to school in the first place-- it was a way to get him out of the spotlight and not interacting with the rest of the plot. Didn't quite work out, but I tried :P
u/Dwood15 [+1] (a day later)
Yeah, getting it so you don't have to mention characters at this point in the story is going to be extremely difficult until you can reach further in to find better drop-offs where you can sum them up later. With all that's going on, and the increasing number of people crossing over, I recommend you spend more time on exposition so we can get to know the characters again. Currently there's... 12 people+ mentioned by name currently doing things which you'll have to keep track of? Even for the most seasoned of Authors, that's difficult, especially with a rational take on a world.
For the sum them up later idea, here's what I would have done at the end of the current chapters. Right after they took out the genius, the police would probably just barely be arriving (how fast they went from defeat to arrival of cops and JSDF arriving was way too fast. Minori (&Krusty's?) time limits run out, so they return.
Before he goes, Krusty and Shoryu save the guy in the now-damaged truck. Minori heals the guy of injuries. Anyway, so Krusty instructs Shoryu to stay there and interview with the cops. He is taken into custody for further questioning because all that's left is a destroyed truck and him at the scene along with however many stayed around to witness. As a Battle Leader, he is used to calling shots and is mostly independent. (Genius body dissolves/fades away, right?) Because of his experience as BL, he can take questions from police without issue.
That's the last we hear of him except in summary/reports from other characters for the time being. He's still doing stuff, but I would be guessing the JSDF get amazed at his hand-to-hand ability and he runs the gamut for the country's specops, showing everyone there up. Until he's hit and killed by a headshot from a previously-introduced sniper from GGO.
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (a day later)
Until he's hit and killed by a headshot from a previously-introduced sniper from GGO.
>.>
<.<
>.<
Goddammit.
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (22 hours later)
Finally had time to read them.
Not particularly eventful chapters, mostly building up to what's going to happen afterwards, but still interesting.
I still don't understand why Shoryu decided to accept going to school, though. Is it just for meeting the friends he's missed? Because he can do that without going to school.
The matter with the (uncaring) yakuza is pretty interesting, and so is the one with the american guy playing Ninja Turtle. If played properly this could evolve in a very interesting manner.
u/Dwood15 [+1] (22 hours later)
I just had time to read as well. I can't help but feel like this isnt particularly rational, with the way things are going. Basically shoryu is bowing to his mothers desires.
u/Dwood15 [+1] (a day later)
If you were interested, I wrote a critique for Gabe and they responded. You can check it here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/rational/comments/4oubfb/rt_horizon_breach_ch_9_10/d4gtkvl
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (a day later)
Thanks! You were able to express the same doubts I had in a much clearer and more organic manner than I ever could.
u/Dwood15 [+1] (22 hours later)
Still not a fan of shoryu going to school. In fact, i think that's going to bother me for a long time.
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (a day later)
I'll be adding a temporary chapter 11 momentarily to notify readers that chapter 9 has been significantly changed (I've added about a thousand words, some brand new, the rest moved forwards from the actual chapter 11). Thank you so much for the reviews, /u/Dwood15, /u/elevul, and /u/MaddoScientisto
u/elevul [+1] Cyoria Observer (a day later)
I'm sorry to say, but it still feels way too easy, too scripted to go a certain way. I'm happy the school matter is settled, but there should be a more serious discussion in that situation. Unless the mother doesn't care about him enough to just acquiescence the fact that he just said he wants to get back into danger to help his partners?
Wait, did Log Horizon have a CHA stat? I wonder if adventurers have high CHA compared to normal people...
u/GaBeRockKing [+1] Horizon Breach: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6785857 (a day later)
I'm sorry to say, but it still feels way too easy, too scripted to go a certain way. I'm happy the school matter is settled, but there should be a more serious discussion in that situation. Unless the mother doesn't care about him enough to just acquiescence the fact that he just said he wants to get back into danger to help his partners?
Good point, I'll see what I can do.
Wait, did Log Horizon have a CHA stat? I wonder if adventurers have high CHA compared to normal people...
No clue. I wouldn't think so.