5.3 KiB
[RT] Ever After
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Author: u/cthulhuraejepsen Fruit flies like a banana*
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Score: 17
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Created: 2016-06-22T15:50:10
Post:
Comments:
u/AKAAkira [+2] (4 days later)
As, I'm assuming, a parody of the usual "We beat them, and everyone lived happily ever after" ending it was interesting to read. And the "viser's" almost aggravatingly reasonable presentation was well-done, I thought. (I feel stupid now though, because it wasn't until I read the comments here that I realized "viser" wasn't the right word for what I was thinking...)
The one criticism I would make is that the powers of the artifacts you mentioned seemed a bit low-tier and inflexible. Putting aside them being the symbols of the ruler, it's hard for me to see the protagonists using them to win a significant battle of power unless they were very capable even without them, or already had a group of people supporting them. Either of which would preclude the "viser" getting them wrapped around his finger so easily.
This is probably just an issue of perspective though; if the heroes had other abilities, or if the grand dictator was much easier to take out than I thought he was, then everything would line up behind the scenes, though I just won't know. It also doesn't directly impact the story's integrity as a parody (though indirectly, it does make me think that I, personally, don't recall reading any overthrow-the-empire plots that doesn't involve a fairly thorough set of secondary characters).
u/Turniper [+3] (5 days later)
All three of the artifacts on one person would streamroll a medieval army pretty effectively, but giving each person one artifact seems silly. Your swordsman is basically useless, your armored man is vulnerable to catapults, spears, and sheer weight of numbers, and your telekinetic is just a pincushion waiting to happen.
u/AKAAkira [+1] (5 days later)
Yeah, after some more thought that's pretty much what I ended up with too - the three are all supposed to be used by one person. And they seem to represent a trinity of melee, ranged, and "magic" attacks.
I was also thinking none of the artifacts explicitly have a defense against gassing attacks if it's colourless and odourless. Maybe the telekinetic can sense it, maybe they always knew to keep their personal air bubble clean. I don't know, and they had to have thought of it to avoid it. Then there's stuff like overwhelming the telekinetic's mind by launching a carriage at her and then opening a spike pit under her at the same time - is the carriage by itself already strong enough to break a telekinetic defense, does the armor count that as an "arrow" to be defended against? Again, I don't know for sure, I don't think the protagonists would've known how to deal with those without wisdom or just being good at thinking things through.
u/modrony [+2] (5 days later)
I think it's a pretty good combo against mundane troops.
Armor can protect all three with the radius, TK keeps melee guys away and the sword cuts a path through walls, Use that to get to the dictator, then hold him in place with TK and stick a sword in.
My head-canon says the dictator was one of the last batch of heroes who did the same, so his power was probably something silly like super-strength anyways :P
u/AKAAkira [+1] (5 days later)
Good point about that strategy, haven't thought of that myself.
Not something that befits a "grand" final battle though.
And if the dictator really was from a previous batch of heroes, my new gripe would be that I'd expect him to have learned (how the last dictator fell). That's kind of how experience works, after all.
u/UltraRedSpectrum [+1] (3 hours later)
There seem to be some ... issues? Nothing major, but "visier" is repeatedly spelled as "viser", to the extent that I was starting to wonder if it was a stylistic choice. Also, there are no descriptions given for any of the characters, which makes me wonder if that's meant to illustrate that they're completely generic for thematic reasons, or if the author just forgot. There are a few smaller details as well, but those are the big two.
u/cthulhuraejepsen [+6] Fruit flies like a banana (14 hours later)
"Viser" is a stylistic choice and lame wordplay; it's a shortening of adviser rather than derived from vizier.
Descriptions ... I used to include them more in short stories, but I was repeatedly told that it was unnecessary if the story was going to be so short. It might be that they'd each benefit from a sentence of description, but they're not important to the reading of the story and the whole thing is intentionally generic anyway.
I might go back and revise it now that I've got some feedback.
u/gommm [+3] (4 hours later)
I think having the heroes be generic fits well with the story...
u/Kishoto [+1] (9 hours later)
An interesting read. Reminds me a lot of a story someone posted to the r/rational challenge a few months back. I'll see if I can dig up the link.
EDIT: Found it! It was written by eaglejarl, who is the author that wrote 2 year Emperor and a few other popular stories.