7.9 KiB
[RT][HF]A Hero's War 89: The Purge
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Author: u/Green0Photon Student in Cyoria, Minmay, and Ranvar*
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Score: 13
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Created: 2016-08-08T09:37:14
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+2] (6 hours later)
Presumably, he will usher in a public education system.
u/jseah [+2] (17 hours later)
More like adult retraining courses than schools. While they can now easily afford to take all the children off the farms, doing so is a future investment with little immediate payoff. (The simple magic training schools Cato is trying to do aren't like public education, more like a crash course lasting a few weeks)
Pushing adults into a nascent manufacturing industry seems like a faster way to do things. For uncomplicated sweatshop like work, you can train someone pretty quickly to just do it by rote. Especially if you have a more qualified core to provide QC and guide rails/jigs/measuring blocks tailored to the process.
u/serge_cell [+2] (2 days later)
Tried to read it and beginning was not bad. However it went downhill fast as soon as protagonists started uplifting feudal society. I've read dozen of sf/fantasy books on uplifting ancient, feudal, magical-feudal, magical-ancient, early-industrial etc societies, and "A Hero's War" somewhere in lower 30% by quality. It's simplistic, naive, careless to key details and not quite internally consistent. I'd recommend "Island in the Sea of Time" instead, even though it's not perfect.
u/jseah [+2] (3 days later)
Hi there! Thanks for commenting! Now if you could just tell me what went wrong for you...?
Obviously, my writing needs work and the way I plot it out, step by step in my head like a simulation with some nudges, is not conducive to thematic unity. Well, pointers there would help! Also practice, which is why I'm writing.
You said that the beginning was not bad but it went downhill fast. Many other comments I had gotten said the exact opposite. So your perspective is much more informative than others as it seems to be unique.
I do understand that the all parts of the worldbuilding are lacking except the magic system (which is probably too detailed), but specific examples of which parts bothered you or seemed to lack detail would be helpful.
They're probably not even the same parts I'm thinking of.
And while Hero's War is probably not salvageable with how far it's come, I can always do better next time.
u/serge_cell [+1] (4 days later)
It's a lot of things actually. First thing is the lack of atmosphere which was present in the beginning. For example - what's was the color of clothes which people wear? And that is related to both plot and worldbuilding - colors mean dyes mean chemistry and trading routes and money turnout. Was there smell of refuse on the streets? Again related to worldbuilding. And all other small things. The behavior of guilds were completely off. If it was because of reasons and not careless writing there should be explicit explanation. In our history guild wouldn't hire anyone to deal with competition. Because they themselves would be most of fighting force of the city. The knights look like shadows in the text. If they are ruling class they should be in the center of narration - characterizations, relationships, talk with them or about them. The worldbuilding is not only maps and prices and administrative structure and economy (all of which are underdeveloped in text) The most important part of worldbuilding are people. What do we know about Tom (fox-boy turned traitor)? He was bullied, he has mother, they lost farm. Is he shy? Or brave? How his family make living? Do anyone in his family died? What he is doing during the day? What about assassin? Why do he work for guild? Is he coward? Is he man of (criminal) honor? Do he has family? How did he learned his trade? Do he despise his employer? Those thing should not necessarily be in the text explicitly, but they should be in the background of author mind and reader should get glimpses of it. Last and not the least - all the protagonist inventions look too easy and too fast. I had read several books with similar plot - usually protagonist had a lot more of tries and failures. Looked more believable.
u/jseah [+2] (4 days later)
... hahaha... insert bitter laugh. To think I received a criticism a few weeks ago that I put TOO much words into developing random side characters...
\opens notebook and scribbles
Yeah, I fully understand. In fact, I had known that developing the side characters is seriously lacking. This was actually a deliberate choice in order to push ahead with the 'main plot'. If I were rewriting, that part is what I would focus on.
Funnily enough, despite the fact that I've written 8 story arcs, we still haven't reached the point that I really wanted to write. It is in fact only just beginning.
And yeah, Cato's ability to ask all the right questions is seriously cheat. Um. Well. No excuses can be made really. This is where realism meets narrative requirements, namely that I wanted to reach a magitech era within a narratively short period.
The story was supposed to be about the start of a magically powered industrial revolution. I'm looking at my future plot notes and little scraps and wondering where that's gone to now.
Thank you for pointing those out! If I ever rewrite, I'll be sure to keep it in mind.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
On taxation, I would recommend Land Value Tax rather than property tax that you been doing in your story, which is widely recommended by economists, even if there's some problem with valuing it correctly.
u/CaptainMcSmash [+1] (3 days later)
Oh I recognize that author, its the guy that wrote Culture meets Warhammer 40k. Man I loved that, shame the guy stopped writing it.
u/jseah [+1] (4 days later)
Oh, someone else actually read that! AO3 version or GitP thread?
Well, thank you for reading!
The main reasons why I stopped had to do with the entire premise of why I started writing it in the first place. There, in fact, wasn't a good motivation to start writing the story. I had no key scenes, no overarching motivations or plot, basically I took the ball and rolled with it and kept rolling with it.
Literally, the story started with me writing a short three week scenario detailing how fast the Culture would run across an Imperial planet and get warned about Chaos contamination. So the story technically started off as an illustrative thought experiment to make a point on a forum discussion. >.>
So when the 40k universe ran out of material to truly explore and I had to start actually writing plot instead of people reacting... well, I found that wasn't so easy anymore.
u/CaptainMcSmash [+1] (6 days later)
AO3 at first, dunno how I found it in the first place though. Then the GitP forum when the AO3 one stopped updating.
I can see why that lack of plot or key scenes would stop you from wanting to write more, but I didn't care about any of that, I figured us readers were reading it for just the catharsis of seeing the thought experiment/curb stomp play out rather than any plot.
Btw, I just wanna say, my favorite part of the whole series was the Serephis Secundus arc. I just found reading about the economic expansion of the company improving the Imperium really fun, those kind of 'powering up' stories just really do it for me.
like 2 Year Emperor or Mother of Learning
u/superk2001 [+1] (8 days later)
I read it too, and liked it. I heard some complaints about the Culture being incompetent, for example the orcs started destroying something and it was unexpected to them (don't remember it well enough).