11 KiB
[deleted by user]
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Author: u/None *
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URL:
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Score: 9
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Created: 2016-08-15T21:17:24
Post:
[removed]
Comments:
u/archaeonaga [+14] (an hour later)
I notice that you've started with a chatty first-person narrator, and then you swing right away to a third-person scene with only an odd italics line to separate them. This feels like an odd choice.
You also call Sirius and Lily "bodies" despite them being alive, which threw me off for a bit. I also saw "never the less," which should be "nevertheless."
I agree that it doesn't flow perfectly, but assuming this is a first draft, that's not the biggest problem. If you have a chatty first-person narrator, the flavor of their chattiness needs to carry the scene; it's a style that really depends on your ability to deliver distinctive and memorable prose. I bet the flow will go better when it's a bit more conversational.
Just off the top of my head stuff. If you find the story compelling, it's worth pursuing, if only because it's always better to be writing than not writing and the best way to get better at writing is to keep doing it. Good luck!
u/TK17Studios [+9] Author of r!Animorphs: The Reckoning (6 hours later)
Worth pursuing. Has a ... 30? ... percent chance of being good, given its current state as a draft/concept; my base rate prediction was 10%.
Definitely issues with grammar, style, and flow, but contra to other commentary I wouldn't actually recommend "working" on those, so much as just writing perhaps 10x as much as you've written so far, and then throwing it all out and starting from scratch once you've sort of settled into a groove. i.e. write the first five to ten chapters, then trash them and rewrite those same chapters, but without actually looking at your first draft.
u/gcz77 [+2] (7 hours later)
Thank you for commenting and for the advice.
u/AugSphere [+5] Dark Lord of Corruption (a day later)
I'm going to list some things that have jumped out at me.
As soon as he saw Severus’s smug face hiding behind Dumbledore
I'm not sure canon Snape would be enough of a short-sighted arsehole to be openly smug in that situation. Not a fan of this character interpretation.
Dumbledore's eyes were wide and his jaw was open agape, dumbfounded beyond belief.
Again, I like to interpret Dumbledore as a bit more of a self-controlled person. Gaping at things doesn't fit that. Not to say that you can't change his character to fit your fancy, just that it doesn't match my preferred image of him.
The first one was my soulmate, the one true love I have ever known in this old mans long and lonely life.”. For a moment Dumbledore seemed broken, but he managed to pull himself together and to continue ... "He was the only one that ever freed me from the solitude of my own mind"
Now is not the time for that. Seriously, would you start reminiscing about your past lovers in such a situation? Also soulmates are a staple of bad fanfiction. I've never seen them done in a satisfactory fashion and their presence alone constitutes enough evidence for how bad the fic will be that I usually drop them on the spot.
“I must say that our young Lilly gave me quite the run for my money. Sirius, a trained auror, I was expecting, but Lilly? Even my James cannot perform magic at such a level”.
And he must have somehow missed that while teaching them and then leading the order of phoenix. Maybe in this AU Dumbledore is not supposed to have been closely working with them to combat Voldemort, though. Even then, it still seems like something he should have known beforehand. Exceptional talent doesn't unexpectedly arrive overnight in grown people, as a rule.
Remus pointed over to the fireplace, to James, to Dumbledore’s most prized student, the heir to all of Dumbledore’s magical discoveries.
Yes. Because Lilly suddenly becoming a Dumbledore-tier magic user was not enough. Surely the whole universe simply must revolve around this family. I wouldn't be surprised if both of them also were secretly heirs of Hogwarts founders and also Merlin and also trained by an anthropomorphic personification of Hogwarts itself or some such tripe.
He cried in his uncle Remus’s arm while his brother, the one with deadly hallows scar on his forehead was rocked back and forth in the arms of his godfather. Sirius sang to Nate but his eyes were on Lilly.
I can't critique the change itself, since consequences are yet to be seen, but I have acquired a certain degree of dislike for it, since it rarely precedes a good story in my experience.
If this wasn't posted here on /r/rational, I wouldn't have even read this draft to the end. I'd say it needs work, but the problems are not limited to the technical aspects, the changes made to the universe are problematic as well, at least from my point of view.
u/gcz77 [+2] (a day later)
Thanks for commenting.
u/AugSphere [+3] Dark Lord of Corruption (a day later)
Looking back on it, I think I sound a bit too harsh in that post. From my POV the problems are there, of course, but there is a large subjective element to it. And some of them, like the soulmates and Harry having a brother, are really not even problems by themselves. It's just that they usually come up in bad fanfiction, so they taint this draft purely by association.
I hope you don't get discouraged by my comments.
u/traverseda [+5] With dread but cautious optimism (21 minutes later)
I had a hard time focusing on it. Didn't flow right, or something. Sorry.
u/None [+4] (24 minutes later)
[deleted]
u/b_sen [+2] (an hour later)
I had the same issue. I think it's a combination of choppiness and minor but annoying grammar mistakes.
u/PeridexisErrant [+2] put aside fear for courage, and death for life (2 hours later)
I agree the style needs some work, but that just means you need a good volunteer editor or three - and there's plenty around (just ask in the weekly worldbuilding thread).
The concept seems interesting though, and I look forward to reading more.
u/MrCogmor [+5] (9 hours later)
so much potential, such a waist; his name was Tom I believe
Waist should be waste unless Voldemort is very fat.
u/callmebrotherg [+3] now posting as /u/callmesalticidae (22 hours later)
New headcanon. Consequence of chumming it up with Slughorn.
u/gcz77 [+2] (14 hours later)
Lol. That made me laugh. Thanks.
u/earnestadmission [+4] Singular "they" user (20 hours later)
I found the "fumble-dork" phrase to be really offputting.
u/ngocnv371 [+4] Chaos Legion (a day later)
A wizard of Dumbledore's caliber walks into a room after a disaster of some kind without observing anything of the immediate environment? He doesn't even know where James's lying just over the fireplace?
Why does Dumbledore need to put some extra tidbits to the security question? Among themselves - capable people - they should have always maintain the precautions - especially during distress, why the need of refering to Mad eye?
Dumbledore came here for some serious business, yet stood chatting, commenting on his students performance, while there's a body in the room. What's the list [first, second, third] for? Get to the point!
I still don't understand the point of Remus just standing there after knowing his two very powerful friends being dominated out the window. When hostile knock your door, and clearly you're incapable of stopping them, flee. Don't just stand there and ask question! You're the last stand of the two infants, for Merlin's sake!
u/PeridexisErrant [+3] put aside fear for courage, and death for life (2 hours later)
With my mod hat on: ^(dons fancy hat)
Please remember that we require one posted chapter per brainstorming post. You can also use the weekly wednesday worldbuilding thread as often as desired.
(You're on the right side of this rule at the moment, but drafts are only worth half points)
u/callmebrotherg [+3] now posting as /u/callmesalticidae (5 hours later)
The bits on dark lords and Voldemort were interesting, but nothing else is grabbing me. Rational!HP from Voldemort's POV? I'd read that, sure. Not getting sold on anything else in this story, though.
u/gcz77 [+2] (7 hours later)
Thank you for commenting.
u/diraniola [+1] (18 hours later)
As an aside, you might like linkffn(the seventh horcrux), as it has a slight feel of rational Voldemort, if by 'rational' you mean 'internally consistent'. It scores pretty high on the crack scale, though.
u/kithpendragon [+2] Chaos Legion (15 hours later)
It's a good start. Though the prose needs another pass and the style needs tempering, the story has a good deal of potential. I would like to compliment your use of speech indicators: I actually didn't notice them at all on my first read-through. Normally I get distracted by dialogue because many otherwise excellent writers fall flat when they try to use speech indicators. You have begun to bend yours to the will of the story. Well done.
Taking this to be a prologue, I'd read at least the first chapter or two just to see where you meant to go with it.
Your replies to the feedback you have received so far have been polite and gracious. Being able to accept criticism (and act on it) without expressing resentment is a rare talent. Well done.
u/gcz77 [+2] (16 hours later)
Thanks and thanks for putting some sure with the salt that's also a great quality. I plan to use the criticism to rewrite what I posted above. When I do so can I pm you a copy to critique again?
u/kithpendragon [+2] Chaos Legion (16 hours later)
can I pm you a copy to critique again?
I don't see why not. Be aware that I have an unusual work schedule, so it may be a few days before I can get back to you, especially toward the end of the week; but I'll be happy to give you a re-read when you're ready to continue. :)
When your post showed up on my feed, I read the title and clicked through to say something that got lost when I read your chapter and decided to discuss the work itself instead. I'd still like to share my original thought:
Remember that writing is a thing you do for you. You asked if we think this story is "worth pursuing", but what we think is only relevant in the most tangential possible way. If you think a work is worth pursuing, it is worth it. If you have a story to tell (and it sounds like you do), you should definitely tell it!
u/MaddoScientisto [+1] (10 hours later)
I really liked this, it's better written than most entry level fanfictions and I really enjoyed all the new differences. It does read weird in places, other people will be able to point it better, find a good editor and please continue writing this, I want to see what happens next
u/gcz77 [+1] (16 hours later)
Thanks for the encouragement.