9.0 KiB
Voldemort and the Struggle for Life Chapter 6: The Fortress
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Author: u/Sailor_Vulcan Champion of Justice and Reason*
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URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12098506/6/Voldemort-and-the-Struggle-for-Life
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Score: 4
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Created: 2016-08-24T00:25:01
Post:
Comments:
u/callmebrotherg [+10] now posting as /u/callmesalticidae (3 hours later)
This Voldemort isn't convincing to me at all. Sorry. He's also not very consistent. At first Voldemort seems aghast that Hagrid told Harry that he killed people, and decides that Dumbledore is meddling. But then in chapter four, he's very blase about having killed people. These don't make sense when they're put together.
If maledictions are so powerful, then why aren't they used more widely? Trelawney learned about them from her family, which means that her family members had to know. Why didn't they use maledictions, then?
I've read a lot of stories that try to situate Voldemort in a benevolent position on the spectrum, and this is one of the more contrived ones.
Also there are technical problems (e.g. missing quotation marks). Some of these could, charitably, be assumed to be because the author isn't familiar with English (I have no idea whether or not this is true, but I try to give the benefit of the doubt), but others (like spelling "Lily" as "Lilly") strike me as a sign of just not caring very much.
EDITED to expand the last paragraph.
u/Achille-Talon [+2] (5 days later)
(I'm the writer.)
Your criticism is warranted: this is for all intents and purposes my first fanfic, and I admit it is far from perfect. However, I think you misunderstood some things. First and most importantlty Voldemort isn't "aghast that Hagrid says he killed people", at all. He expected as much, and he can't deny that he did kill people. What he says is that it isn't necessarily a sign of being unredeemably evil, as demonstrated by the fact that Harry just killed Quirrel. At least such was my intent; it is possible that I am to blame for not making that clear enough.
As for why maledictions werent used by Trelawney's parents, who said they weren't? The story isn't over and… well, you sort of caught a bit of foreshadowing without understanding it was.
u/CarsonCity314 [+3] (15 hours later)
I'm glad the author is writing this, and I don't intend to be discouraging at all. That said, I can think of a number of suggestions to improve the author's writing technique.
At the top of my list is the narrative perspective. The author seems to be using third-person omniscient, including the inner thoughts of multiple characters within a scene. If the drama is intended to be character-focused (e.g. can the protagonist trust this other character) a crucial component of that is having a restricted perspective. If the reader can see inside both characters' heads and conclude "yes, trust is warranted" then the question is answered and further exploration of the topic becomes tedious. I understand it's easy to draft an outline with an omniscient perspective to ensure people do things that make sense, but at the end of the day, this needs to turn into a drama. There are narratives that can be dramatically recounted from an omniscient perspective (e.g. many fables or morality stories) but I don't get the impression it's suitable for the sort of story the author intends to write.
Has anyone else here got any suggestions for bridging the gap between an omniscient outline and a dramatic character-focused retelling? I'd like to see what we can do to keep commentary and criticism in this community positive/constructive, and I think narrative perspective is a key issue in the development of rational-style fiction.
u/Achille-Talon [+2] (5 days later)
Thank you for your helpful advice; I'll try to fix some of that, as well as I can.
u/Kishoto [+3] (a day later)
I read the first four chapters and I find this tale fairly uninspired. The Voldemort reads like a Voldemort that looked up to HPMOR's Quirrelmort and aspired to be like him without having the necessary components. Voldemort's explanation of the murder of Harry's parents rang especially false. Not so much the part where he regrets killing them. But the part where he said "Oh, I suppose I could have stunned her instead of using the killing curse but I wanted the matter to be over and done with quickly." Without even questioning that stunning her would've been just as easy, not three lines earlier, he told us that he wanted to honor James and so allowed him a 5 minute duel. Those two action don't compute. You want things to be over with so quickly, you won't take the extra second to subdue her nonlethally yet you'll have a pointless, attention drawing fight out of some misplaced sense of honor? A sentiment you disparage just a few lines later when talking about Lily's sacrifice?
There's also a few two many typos for me to take this story seriously. Overall, wasn't a very good read. I wouldn't recommend it unless the author does a rehaul.
u/Achille-Talon [+1] (5 days later)
I can't say I'm glad of your somewhat blunt criticism, but your precise complaint about the Godric's Hollow flashback does call my attention to something I could indeed make clearer. The idea wasn't that casting an AK in itself was faster than casting a Stunning Spell; it's that Voldemort was somewhat exasperated by the current situation, and didn't take the time to think things through.
u/Kishoto [+1] (5 days later)
It definitely reads that way, at least at that time it did. And even if it's altered to indicate that Voldemort simply didn't think things through enough to think "non lethally subdue" as opposed to "kill", then this explanation still shouldn't work on Harry. And it also still rings false. You value someone's life but you get annoyed enough by their completely understandable actions to resort to murder? That story still doesn't place Voldie in a good light at all. If anything, he almost comes off worse. "Oh I'm actually quite reasonable but wasting my time or annoying me will earn you death, just the same." It also indicates a lack of foresight on Voldemort's part that an intelligent 50 something year old Dark Lord shouldn't portray. It doesn't compute to the reader and it certainly shouldn't compute to Harry. James' death is almost understandable. Almost. But Lily's is pointless and should alienate Harry to Voldemort.
u/Achille-Talon [+1] (5 days later)
I'll try to think of a better way then… But the thing is, I still do have to find a way for him to have killed Lily. If you have any suggestions, I'll take them gladly.
u/Kishoto [+3] (5 days later)
One suggestion I can think of is: have Lily escalate. Have Voldemort take her not seriously, assuming she's a non issue. Have Lily throw out an AK, or a vial of dangerous potion, something to surprise Voldie. And have him retaliate, almost instinctively, and have her die that way. Something along this sort of line, maybe:
"I offered your mother leniency, you know. Simply step aside and let me have the boy and I would leave her unharmed. Stunned and obliviated of course, but unharmed. At first, she seemed willing to take my offer. She placed you in the crib and stepped away. As I walked forward and leveled my wand at your sleeping form, only the barest spark at the end of my senses revealed her intentions. I turned and only barely avoided the vial of potion she'd thrown at me, along with the follow up bone breaking hex. I admit,she'd taken me off guard, and it was not until I'd already leveled my wand at her and said the words that I realized just what I'd done. But magic like the Killing Curse cannot simply be taken back. And then she was dead."
u/Achille-Talon [+1] (5 days later)
Thank you so very much. This is a definite proof that I'm only a beginner as a writer. So… can I actually use that idea in the story?
u/Kishoto [+1] (5 days later)
Sure, go ahead man.
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+1] Champion of Justice and Reason (a minute later)
Disclaimer: I didn't write this awesome fic, I just posted the link.
u/Kishoto [+2] (a day later)
Out of curiosity; what about it so you find awesome?
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+0] Champion of Justice and Reason (a day later)
the intelligent characters, and the rather unique and creative twist on voldemort's character. also it's quite engaging and fun to read.
it's also that i don't have enough rational fics to read...
u/Kishoto [+2] (2 days later)
It just isn't a high enough quality for me to like, tbh. I'm a bit of a snob though, especially when it comes to fanfiction. I've read too many good ones over the years, with quite a few of those being in the HP section.
u/Achille-Talon [+1] (5 days later)
Thank you very much for the compliment!