14 KiB
[RST] Naruto. The Need to Become Stronger, Chapter 7: Injustice and Inheritance
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Author: u/Sophronius The Need to Become Stronger*
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URL: https://needtobecomestronger.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/chapter-7/
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Score: 21
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Created: 2016-11-20T01:17:43
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Comments:
u/Sophronius [+3] The Need to Become Stronger (2 minutes later)
Hey all! This chapter is one of my personal favourites, as it introduces one of my favourite characters. Very curious to hear what you all think: Did the character come off as suitably interesting/impressive? Did the writing and prose strike the right chords?
I'm also experimenting with different chapter titles. I'm currently going for alliteration, in an effort to give them a common theme. Alternative title: Innocence and Ignorance. Not sure which is better.
u/gbear605 [+4] history’s greatest story (2 hours later)
This was a really good chapter.
Was the beginning part about the test supposed to be similar to Waves Arisen? I may be overcomparing the two, since I just reread Waves Arisen (for the fourth time).
u/Anderkent [+2] (19 hours later)
I may be overcomparing the two, since I just reread Waves Arisen (for the fourth time).
Offtopic, but I'm always surprised people find it that good. I read it, it was decent, but beside the usual power fantasy I don't really remember anything special about it. What makes it worth rereading four times?
u/Sophronius [+8] The Need to Become Stronger (20 hours later)
The originality is excellent, it's very well written, and the plot-to-text ratio is really good. All of that makes it very refreshing for those of us who have read way too much Naruto fanfiction.
That said, I skipped through most of the chakra/shadow clone number crunching, and found a lot of the canon-bashing off-putting. But it was still probably the best Naruto fanfic I've read.
Now, TimeBraid. THERE is a story that gets way too much praise for inexplicable lesbian-related reasons. It took me five tries just to get through the first few chapters. Ugh.
u/None [+2] (a day later)
TimeBraid is a fanfic I'm ashamed to say I enjoyed in the beginning but grew to despise. I feel dirty after reading it...the pervasive mind control (to be fair, at least both males/females are equally influenced...), the grimdark world, the over-the-top bashing (especially of Sasuke, who is completely unrecognizable even before we see Looper!Sasuke), and everything else.
u/None [+1] (8 days later)
I hate the story, but I love the random "Oh My Goddess!" crossover towards the end.
u/None [+1] (8 days later)
Funny: that was my least favorite part. Not a fan of fics that have multiple timelines or gods on that scale. Trivializes things quite a bit.
u/None [+1] (8 days later)
It was the first anime I watched, so there's a bit of nostalgia there.
u/gbear605 [+3] history’s greatest story (19 hours later)
It's written in a way that hits all a lot of my various enjoyment buttons. Power fantasy, original au, immortality, and munchkinning, for example
u/None [+1] (a day later)
It's a complete (!) Naruto fanfiction with technically quite good prose (!) and some interesting ideas. That alone is pretty rare. Of course, I also find practically every character identical, most of the dialogue unbelievable, the major deviations from canon (which seem present only to facilitate a power fantasy) uninspiring, and lots of plot points unrealistic even within the story's universe.
u/Sophronius [+2] The Need to Become Stronger (20 hours later)
Heh. I feel the same way about the Waves Arisen as Yudkowsky did about 7th Horcrux: "How dare this author steal ideas from my story that I haven't published yet!"
The basis for most of these chapters was written years ago. Might be that something slipped in during the edits though. I remember changing the intro of this chapter to show more of Naruto's reflections on the main plot, so it's possible.
u/hillaryrapedobrien [+4] (9 hours later)
Very good, thank you!
u/None [+2] (a day later)
As usual, your writing is technically quite good.
Gonna comment on past chapters, because I'm catching up:
Chapter 4:
"When Naruto got up, Iruka was lying face-first on the forest floor, a large shuriken embedded in what looked to be his spine, only his right hand twitching slightly as he lay in a steadily spreading puddle of his own blood."
Guessing that means you're going with less ninja durability than in canon, then.
"“Though, you don’t learn that at the academy anymore, do you? I apologize for that… if I were actually allowed to teach you children something, then I would have given you all a kitten to care for at the start of the year, and made you strangle it for graduation. Perhaps then you would have come to realize that the life of a ninja is not supposed to be fun. But alas"
Not sure why that makes sense. Desensitizing people to violence makes sense, but pushing people to callousness seems pretty stupid. Why? Because having callous assholes with superpowers in your village is a bad idea...better to raise them with beautiful ideals, strong friendships, and emotional ties, so that then one of them is particularly powerful (ninja strength varies by orders of magnitude) they have an incentive to stay with the village. I'm guessing this means you're going with lower ninja power levels, or at least more closely clustered power levels, which means ninja life is more military than in canon, since militaries rely on interchangeability.
"here you have the difference between those with access to forbidden knowledge and those without. If I had that scroll at your age, I might have been the Hokage by now!”"
I'm not sure if Mizuki is speaking truthfully or not. In canon he'd be wrong: strength mostly comes to those of favored bloodlines, high intelligence (Kakashi and Orochimaru are good examples), and innovators. Maybe here, knowledge is more valuable than in canon. Interesting changes.
"Something was wrong, terribly wrong, but it was getting harder and harder for him to remember what it was. “Mizuki,” he heard himself say, even as he started nodding off. “What… what happened…to him…”"
So memory suppression is a thing? Hmm. In canon its quite hard-- I think Sasori does it, and Shisui's MS can create false memories, but that's it. Having it be commonplace is a pretty huge change.
Chapter 5
Not a fan of your Sasuke. He's a complete dick, even if Naruto is annoying and starting a fight. He's very different than canon!Sasuke, who provokes Naruto rarely in Part 1, and usually, actually, to help him (as when he makes fun of Naruto for freezing up in a fight, which strengthens Naruto's resolve.)
"“Of course I can sense your pain,” Sasuke said, sounding offended. “How else could it amuse me so?”"
Bleh. I think Sasuke is less of a dick than I initially thought, so I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, but I'm still surprised he's a dick. Nice job on Kakashi-- his dickish persona convinced me until he passed Team 7.
Also, nice ninja poem at the end.
Overall, I like where this is going. THe AU divergences you've chosen (seemingly much weaker ninja, less gap between ninja ranks, more sneaky ninja, etc.) are not my favorite, but that's a personal preference, and you're making it work. I'm not a fan of some of your characterization choices, like Mizuki and Sasuke, but others, like Kakashi and Sakura, are different but still good.
Chapter 6
I'm guessing you've depowered the Bjuu a bit, or made them more vulnerable to people. Kurama/Kyuubi is good. Not bestial, which I like. Not hugely compelling, because we don't learn much from that interaction, but a fun character so far.
u/Sophronius [+2] The Need to Become Stronger (a day later)
Oh wow, a full chapter-by-chapter review! Awesome.
Guessing that means you're going with less ninja durability than in canon, then.
Yup. Rational stories require a certain degree of realism to work, and realism and cartoon physics don't mix in my opinion. In Naruto you basically have the rule of "Blunt damage does nothing + knives never hit".
Because having callous assholes with superpowers in your village is a bad idea...
I agree, but then, Mizuki IS a callous asshole, so he thinks differently.
And in my opinion, he is still totally right about the hypocrisy of Konoha using child soldiers and then still pretending to be the 'nice' Village (even though, relatively speaking, they kind of are).
I'm guessing this means you're going with lower ninja power levels, or at least more closely clustered power levels, which means ninja life is more military than in canon, since militaries rely on interchangeability.
Indeedy! Nice that you noticed that. But yes, I feel like rational fiction requires lower (maximum) power levels, since otherwise you'll be relying on idiot balls to prevent certain characters from winning everything instantly. See also: The masked man in canon.
So memory suppression is a thing? Having it be commonplace is a pretty huge change.
I don't think just having Inoichi being able to do it makes it commonplace. And note that despite his incredible expertise, it still didn't quite work in this case.
Not a fan of your Sasuke. He's a complete dick, even if Naruto is annoying and starting a fight. He's very different than canon!Sasuke
True, but I think that in a way, this does follow from his boosted rationality. In canon he just closed himself off from everyone else and minded his own business, focusing only on his own strength. In NTBS, he realized that that is a stupid idea, and so he forces himself to act the part of the "Last member of the noblest Clan of the greatest Country", and is rather bitter about the whole thing. His core personality should still be fairly similar.
I'm guessing you've depowered the Bjuu a bit, or made them more vulnerable to people.
Yes, partially again because power levels are toned down in NTBS and Kurama is one of the worst offenders in canon, but also because I've generalized the whole "Sharingan can controll Bijuu" thing. Given that the tailed beasts as well as summons seem to be unusually vulnerable being controlled and can be summoned much easier than humans, I just went ahead and made it a general rule that spirits have less "magic resistance".
Thanks a lot for the long review!
u/None [+2] (a day later)
Yeah Naruto ninja are hilariously durable. See: Iruka surviving shuriken impalement easily, Sasuke surviving senbon pincushioning, Kakashi casually getting his hand stabbed, Sakura getting impaled through the gut in part 2, Zabusa fighting at a hilariously superhuman level after being seemingly mauled by Kakashi's dogs, genin in part 1 surviving being slammed through trees, into solid rock, etc.
Ninja are kind of glass cannons in this verse, then? Able to deal lots of damage but unable to take much. A bit like Waves Arisen, which had ninja dying left and right but also being not too far from canon levels of damage dealing, though it did nerf them there as well.
Re: Child soldiers.
Hmm, I don't think canon treats them as child soldiers. My conception of canon is that it makes more sense to view hidden villages as extended clans that have a kind of honorable warrior mentality, an extended family mentality. So kids aren't really child soldiers-- they're child warriors entrusted with power, given responsibility, etc.
In my conception of canon hidden villages are very distinctly not military-- see Kakashi's speech in Wave that ninja don't take on just any mission, see the deep bonds between ninjas in canon, the flexible discipline powerful ninja are treated with, etc. This is a function of large differences in power levels. An S-rank is practically a village in fighting strength, so you can't compel them with threat of violence-- they have to stay because they genuinely love the village. Because of the inherent unpredictability of which ninja becomes an S-rank, villages treat all ninja with quite a bit of freedom/caring/etc. and value them individually much more than modern militaries value soldiers.
I think canon!kids are distinctly prodigal to a degree that exceeds real-life prodigies: Itachi at 13, Kakashi at 10, Sasuke/Naruto/Sakura at 16. You can make an interesting argument with selection there: if we take as canon 1000 years of Warring Clans era, then we might imagine a strong selection pressure for fast-maturing, emotionally resilientn and devoted to clan/family kids. 1000 years, if the selection pressure is strong enough, is strong enough for some interesting effects on a population.
Good point re: Inoichi. I was just pointing out that having that changes quite a lot. Glad to see its limited in availability and effectiveness. Otherwise there are lots of parts where a reader will justifiably point out "why don't they suppress the memory? plot hole!"
We've seen summons get controlled by Sasuke (Manda) and Obito (Kurama) and Madara (Kurama.) No one else, IIRC. Not too easy. All of them (the controllers) are immensely powerful, so it doesn't seem strange/OP to me.
That said, I understand the change. In a toned down world, its hard to fit in 100+ foot toads, 300 + (?) foot snakes, and gargantuan slugs without making them the centerpiece of combat. It introduces a kind of rock-paper-scissor dynamic if they're weak to illusions, which should be interesting.
Yeah, Tobi is probably the plot hole that's hardest to fix in canon. His teleportation is...problematic. My go-to explanation is this: Tobi is very mentally unstable. Half his body is a plant, he got hit hard by a giant boulder as a kid, and he's only halfheartedly devoted to his cause. Therefore--> inconsistent actions.
u/tokol [+1] The Greater Good (a day later)
He knew that they would never agree to letting the Nine-tails go, no matter told them, not least because Naruto himself did not think it was a smart thing to do.
no matter told them -> no matter what he told them
u/Sophronius [+2] The Need to Become Stronger (a day later)
Cheers!