8.5 KiB
[RT] [WIP] Memoirs of the future pirate king (my first attempt at a rational fic)
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Author: u/MysteryLolznation Dark Flame Master*
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URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12250080/1/Memoirs-of-the-future-pirate-king
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Score: 7
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Created: 2016-11-28T02:59:06
Post:
Comments:
u/narfanator [+8] (5 hours later)
Horray!
You've got better prose than most, and I think you're doing a good job of nailing the speech patterns in One Piece.
That said - One nit to pick, and two large issues.
Nit: Part of a rational work is that everyone else also get smarter. Why would r!Shanks use his hand to block a sword, when there's a lot around to use, or he could push the blade into a miss?
And two bigger issues: First: Why not have Luffy eat, say, the Think-Think fruit? Work within the universe to give him his rationality "powers".
Second: Motivation. Cannon Luffy wants to be pirate king, for Reasons, and just goes off to do it. r!Luffy would need to have a deeper reason for wanting to become pirate king. He'd also need to have a reason why becoming a pirate is the best way to get those underlying reasons, since his adoptive dad is one of the marine's top admirals. What are r!Luffy's goals, and why does he think this course of action will get him those?
u/eltegid [+4] (7 hours later)
Not everyone else needs to be smarter. Notably, in HPMOR most characters didn't. I do agree that it would make more sense for Luffy's intelligence to be justified within the universe's rules. Actually the way his thoughts are written, which makes them seem almost invasive or external made me think something was going on.
u/Bowbreaker [+3] Solitary Locust (14 hours later)
Not all characters were necessarily smarter (though to be honest the Weasly family is the only one to come to mind that definitely wasn't) but at least the idiot balls should be removed. As in, characters should never just do this dumb thing that people of their level of competence simply couldn't do and still get away with.
From the sidebar
Nothing happens solely because 'the plot requires it'. If characters do (or don't do) something, there must be a plausible reason.
u/I_am_your_BRAIN [+2] (22 hours later)
Fred and George were a little better!
u/Bowbreaker [+2] Solitary Locust (23 hours later)
They were. But not by all that much since they weren't dumb in the original story to begin with. Managed to turn their hobby into a believable business after all.
Arthur on the other hand definitely wasn't, to the point of being an idiot-ball joke of canon-levels of incompetence at his job.
Ron was the dumb self he was in his pre-teen years in the books but without the story focusing on any of his redeeming features and the rest of the Weasleys didn't really make an appearance.
u/Charlie___ [+3] (13 hours later)
To make a specific version of that critique, what I'm worried about seeing is the same plot points played out all over again, except Luffy has fancier thoughts. You don't have to go HPMOR or Luminosity levels of off-roading, but it would be fun if e.g. the same exact crew doesn't get forced back together.
Not to mention One Piece is frikkin' long. Ain't nobody got time for that.
u/MysteryLolznation [+2] Dark Flame Master (16 hours later)
How about the same exact crew, but with more people? Looking forward to a reply :D
u/None [+5] (16 hours later)
Getting all those same people on the same boat is either going to be a long trip down the stations of canon or a series of contrived situations. Most of Luffy's crew followed him because he's good natured, stubborn enough to bull through their issues, and too stupid to be duplicitous. Rewriting everyone to fit would be kind of silly. Why not just write an original character and follow his/her journey instead?
u/MysteryLolznation [+3] Dark Flame Master (a day later)
That sounds good, really. I mean, there are quite a few characters that wouldn't really need to join the straw hats, without removing much from the whole straw-hat vibe.
While the necessary crewmembers that had some invaluable functions within the crew could stay, the ... joy-riding members, for a lack of better words, could very well make due on their own, really.
I'm really considering this one. Rewriting the canon, but instead allowing Luffy to solve the issues present in a different way seems really overdone. The best thing, really, would be to just write an entirely different route, with a huge divergence at some point.
Thanks for the feedback. That's amazing of you to do.
u/MysteryLolznation [+1] Dark Flame Master (15 hours later)
Thank you so much for the feedback! I will do some revision right now.
About the Think-think fruit idea, that actually does seem really cool, honestly. Is it too late to actually add it to any subsequent chapters, yet? It wouldn't be as much of a retconn as he isn't confirmed to have eaten a devil fruit (barring the gum gum fruit). He hasn't tried swimming yet, and he also hasn't come in contact with seastone, so I guess it's possible lol.
Yeah, I felt that r!Shanks's course of action was, indeed, dumb, but given that he was rushed in terms of time, and he had to act quick, it kinda justifies his dumbness. Also, Shanks never did carry a sword on him, so he couldn't parry the blow (as indicated in the canon scene), but he COULD have used literally anything else. I'll try and revise that point.
And as for Luffy's motivation, I felt like I glossed over it so thinly during the end of the prologue. I'll definitely revisit it and clean it a little more. I mean, 'To be the freest' is an okay, reason, but the bigger question is 'why', right? I should try and explain his reasoning more, shouldn't I?
Again, thanks for the feedback, man! I appreciate it!!! I'm REALLY thinking of adding the Think-Think fruit. I'm already brainstorming it. Is it a passive buff or an active enhancement (is he always smart, or can he invoke bursts of quick thinking, compressing his thoughts to a fraction of what they were). I'm kinda leaning on both types, though.
u/LupoCani [+2] (a day later)
Whatever you do, please keep this in mind- rationality isn't a superpower. It's the practice of a sound mind. Making it into a magical ability largely defeats the point, it's not rationality if not anyone can use the same method.
"Thought compression", as you call it, seems like brilliant alternative. Sort of like a time freeze ability, that freezes everything except his own brain? This allows you to write "figure out the solution in a split second" scenarios, while still using only plausible reasoning skills.
A general intelligence ability dangerous, for the reasons I mentioned, but not all bad, either. If it's framed as a minor, secondary ability of the Fruit, it could justify why such a young person has above-average adult reasoning skills. Any more than that, we slide into superintelligence territory.
u/MysteryLolznation [+3] Dark Flame Master (a day later)
I guess so. I've hinted in my recent chapter that Luffy does have the think think fruit power, but he hadn't consumed that fruit until much later, after Shanks had already left the windmill village. Somewhere between Shanks' and Luffy's departure.
I agree with you on the aspect that general intelligence would sorta make rationality a really cheap thing, and would remove value from Luffy's achievements. I think I'll go for the time dilation power.
u/plonge2 [+1] (a day later)
I'm not sure if you need to create a whole new fruit, just change the description of the gum gum fruit to you "become more flexible and gain the ability to stretch and compress like rubber!" And have this flexibility extends to the mind, so he is able to think in different more rational ways, or compress his thoughts like the active way you suggested
u/MysteryLolznation [+1] Dark Flame Master (a day later)
I wanted Luffy to be more mind-based, and having him still eat the gum gum fruit does kinda give him the potential to be a strong combattant, and also having him be rational would make him kinda munchkinny (I dunno if I used that word right).
I appreciate the advice, though.