26 KiB
[RT][HF][NSFW] The Care and Feeding of Magical Creatures ch. II.3: Wham Line
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Author: u/Soren_Tycho Clothing-optional Spacetime*
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Score: 15
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Created: 2016-12-10T00:57:13
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+4] (23 minutes later)
Honestly I'm looking forward to learning about rituals and hoping we go into engineering of equipment/ships at some point more so than the smut.
I'm starting to wonder what's going to shake things up. Surely we need some form of conflict.
u/EliezerYudkowsky [+4] Godric Gryffindor (a day later)
Seconded. When I saw the title I was hoping for some conflict. This was not, in fact, a http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhamLine.
u/Soren_Tycho [+6] Clothing-optional Spacetime (3 days later)
Holy fuck Eliezer Yudowsky is reading my monster girl porn.
The intended Wham Line(s) was from the human narrator's point of view...which obviously didn't come across. I'm curious now if this is cultural difference (human narrator decreasingly-but-still convinced he can 'dual-wield faith and reason' (his own words) vs. anyone reading this subreddit) or just unclear writing on my part. I'd love thoughts on this, for those who have them and want to be opinionated at me. :)
u/Frommerman [+5] (a day later)
Possible sources of conflict include:
We do not know what 'Hollow Heart' means. It could imply something dangerous about this universe.
Seraphim. This one is obvious, but something made them, and they don't seem to care for collateral damage. Some kind of lawful good fascist deity?
Perfekti have already created difficulty.
Awful lot of talk about Sade Hall. Might have been totally obliterated.
The existence of Infernal implies that stars are sapient. Which implies that stars might have wars.
They could stumble on feuds of immortals. Those are always fun.
Lots of room for conflict yet.
u/Soren_Tycho [+3] Clothing-optional Spacetime (3 days later)
We do not know what 'Hollow Heart' means. It could imply something dangerous about this universe.
Not in the text directly, but there's been a reference to the published already. So there's that. Could be interesting.
Seraphim. This one is obvious, but something made them, and they don't seem to care for collateral damage. Some kind of lawful good fascist deity?
If only their origin were something so cute and fuzzy.
The existence of Infernal implies that stars are sapient. Which implies that stars might have wars.
I would definitely not want to be around for one of these.
They could stumble on feuds of immortals. Those are always fun.
I will 100% confirm these can get pretty serious when they happen. I'll say nothing more that may or may not be spoilerriffic.
In all seriousness, there actually are about half a dozen conflicts set up in this chapter, although none of these are explicit and it remains to be seen if any turn out to be anything serious, but they're there if you're looking and have just gone from a boring American Evangelical youth group meeting to the threshold of Sade Hall in the space of about six hours.
u/Kishoto [+6] (a day later)
"Hi Daddy!"
I laughed so hard when I read that. And, contrary to a lot of the other commenters, I did not see that coming. In hindsight, I can see how it makes sense. But I thought of their pre-story relationship as more of a 'soul bonding' as opposed to soul building. That just leaves so many questions, haha. Loving this monster girl porn story (never thought I'd say those words!)
u/Soren_Tycho [+3] Clothing-optional Spacetime (5 hours later)
While we're here, I have somewhat a pile of omake for this that aren't necessarily either porn or rational, but may be interesting. I'll be publishing them, as well, but unless there's a sufficient[1] outpouring of desire on this particular comment, I probably won't announce these individually here, although they'll be on my tumblr.
[1] meaning qualitatively[2] seems like a lot as defined by my mood at the moment of evaluation
[2] meaning subjective factors such as long impassioned pleas matter :)
u/Prezombie [+1] (21 days later)
Hey man, are you okay? It's been two weeks with missed updates and ask the chapters from before vanished
u/CapnQwerty [+3] (5 days later)
I guess no kids ever ought to be kind of a thing or something, but all I can do is laugh internally and feel a little bit relieved. If I ever wanted that life, I don’t now.
You can always adopt, you know.
No more concerned strangers who think they have the slightest idea what it is to be Hollow Heart.
So it is a subset of succubi, and apparently uncommon enough that there aren't Hollow Heart therapists anywhere near where she lived. Either that or she was/is just being all "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN" emo.
I need to understand.
At last!
Man, the word feels so weird, like it’s changing how I talk or something. But I can’t stop saying it! The fuck? Well, fuck it, feels weird, feels good. I wouldn’t be much of a Sade if I was gonna be put off by ‘what the fuck this shouldn’t feel good’.
...yea, that's not concerning at all.
You said you looked all over Earth trying to find me, this is why.
Just Earth, huh? That's interesting.
I can’t wonder if you want me near or not, I can’t wonder if you like how we’re fucking, I can’t wonder if you’re happy. I can’t wonder if I please you. I can’t wonder if I’m overwhelming or not enough. I need to just know.
Because just 'asking' is out of the question, clearly.
Lyra's quite the drama queen, isn't she?
Nobody on this raft deserves anything, and we’re gonna be spiked if we start thinking that way. This is about what we both need.
So Pandemonium has thought police. Fucking wonderful.
Things like me, there’s no place for us in heaven. Is this what we get instead?
A drama king for the drama queen.
Okay, so this isn’t actually true about humans, but a lot of people think it so I think it’ll help you get it. You’re a body with a soul, right? Like, take away the body, no soul either. Mess up your brain and there’s no more you, mess up your soul and you can put it back together as long as you’ve got a brain. Actually humans can reincarnate just fine but lots of people don’t think so until it happens.
Then, what, is the brain an interface between the soul and the body? Facilitates communication between them?
So I’m a soul with a body. Kinda the main succubus superpower, we’re the only embodied demons. Mess up my body, it’ll grow back as long as I’ve got enough energy, mess up my soul, no more me. Remember my leg? Nectar is the thing my soul does to give itself a body...well, technically ichor is. Nectar’s just distilled ichor.
Distilled, huh. So what's getting removed, and where's it go after? Do succubi poop?
What happens if her body gets vaporized? Would she just 'grow back' from its last location?
Nectar just makes a body reflect a soul. It like, turns you into yourself.
Well, that's vague and unhelpful. "Turns you into yourself"? Yourself according to what? It can't just be based on self-image, that'd produce a lot of dissatisfaction; not everyone has a good self-image. It can't be just whatever you want at the time, either, it doesn't work fast enough. You'd constantly be partially transformed into all the things you wanted before and transforming into what you want now.
Unh...yeah so dragging your whole fucking body over my cunt is a good move, hope I was supposed aaaarch into it like this.
Missing a 'to' between 'supposed' and 'aaaarch'.
It’s as intoxicating as before, and her lips are softer even than her hand, warm and wet and almost kissing back I fancy as suck and lick at them, licking out every drop of nectar I can find, my eyes closing involuntarily with the pleasure when I swallow and the wave of lust and strength goes through me.
Missing an 'I' between 'as' and 'suck'. Also, I think I know what you were going for with 'I fancy', but it doesn't quite fit as is with how you have the sentence constructed.
It’d be plenty, even superhumanly much, for sex, but I’m thirsty.
How long does nectar keep? I would guess not long since otherwise succubi could just be made from it directly instead of adding the extra step of ichor.
Say, does nectar from different succubi taste the same? If not, are there restaurants that sell different flavors? If it doesn't keep you'd have to have it 'fresh from the cow', as it were. Though from the sounds of it producing enough to actually fill glasses would be problematic.
You’ll...mmm...you’ll turn into whatever age your soul is.
You're only as old as you feel, eh? Literally.
You’ll, mm, always be tasty and fuckable, every human’s kind of a sex fieeeend deep down.
Do succubi not know what asexuality is? Actually... do they not? Asexual doesn't necessarily mean aromantic, but if the actual nutritional part of the emotional cocktail they drink is the lust, they'd likely completely ignore any asexual people.
“It gets rid of disease, too.” “It...mmmmm....right. Y. Yes. Being sick, isn’t...mm...you. Oooh...boo!”
Definitely not just self-image based, then.
Missionary, cowgirl, scissoring, grinding, bouncing my leg too much...how did Viktor put it? “You haff a zertain advantageous geometry.”
Heh. This Viktor sounds like fun. I look forward to Jack meeting him.
my mom’s actually survived going toe-to-toe with a seraphim
I might as well bring this up now: why the hell did Lyra go rescue Jack on her own? Why didn't she bring some backup with her? Like, say, her apparently badass mother? Considering how dangerous parts of Earth (let alone other planets) must be in limbo, judging by what the American Deep South looked like, I find it kind of hard to believe that there isn't some sort of task force designed to help with extracting humans and their succubi from such areas.
Or was she not supposed to go alone and is in for a chewing out when she gets home?
Scritchy pubes but fuck it I’d make do with a piece of shoggoth hide at this point just actually let me fucking CUUUUUM...
Wut? Shoggoth? As in shoggoth?! That's uh... that's not good.
Takes a few weeks and a lot of nectar, but yeah. I mean it just turns you into yourself, there’s not really a limit on what that means if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve met a couple people who gender-flipped - relax, they were pretty psyched about it so I wouldn’t worry unless you’ve got a whole world of fantasies I somehow missed - and once in a blue Eye somebody gets elf ears or fur or whatever, but that’s kinda rare. It’s all about what’s really you.
This... doesn't really clear up anything.
The hell? That was supposed to be “Honey”. How’d I Freudian ‘honey’ into ‘Master’? It’s not like I’m exactly repressing the idea.
Just pile on the alarm bells, why doncha.
Okay, there’s gonna be a chain, with handles, going fast. You need to grab the handles, because if you grab the chain it’ll just rip your arm off. Then squeeze the handles to slow down before you hit the end of the chain, and then you can take one of the ones that’s piled up on you to help you climb up the chain.
Well. It's a good thing we've already established that nectar can grow back arms.
Out of curiosity, how many people have been dismembered by this incredibly dangerous form of hitchhiking?
Wait, fuck! People! Pandora’s Wrath! Make sure you don’t ignore a safeword or do anything else nonconsensual. The rocks are alive and they’ll spike you if they feel rapey energy.
So offenders are just... murdered on the spot? No attempt at rehabilitation?
The Wrath doesn’t consent to being gamed or used as a weapon and it’s perfect at knowing what’s real to the people involved. Don’t worry.
I suppose it'd have to be if no-one in a population of several trillion has been able to trick it. Then again, if someone was smart enough to trick it they'd probably be smart enough to avoid getting caught any other way, so how would you even know?
«Quietly, we seem to be overrun with aftercare. Welcome aboard Charon’s Changepurse.»
Hmm. How appropriate.
A soft purple light the same color as the markings that light up the airlock glows from behind new girl, giving a her skin a lurid tinge that ironically softens the shock by making her look more alien.
The second 'a' is unnecessary.
Anyway, that was...you can get spiked doing stuff like that, what if she’d played that situation for just a tiny bit more pressure? WTF?
The fuck? Are you serious?? All she did was look and ask, and that's nearly enough for the security system to kill her?
«You two chose a very naughty place to play, tonight. How are you not spiked?»
Trespassing on a raft has the same penalty as rape? What the hell is wrong with this place?
«A lost planet. I thought your human looked newly abducted. And likes femmes? And by the way he’s looking at me I’m the first native he’s seen?»
Wait what? "Lost planet"? Not everywhere on Earth is like Jack's neighborhood, surely?
«Welcome to Pandemonium, fellow prey.» “Fellow prey?”
Wait what? Don't the less than/greater thans mean the speaker is speaking Infernal? That's what it's meant up till now. How did Jack understand that?
«Thanks. Anyway, I’m sure my Hench miss me and I should go get us moving again. Enjoy the ride!»
Should be 'misses', not 'miss'.
“Make s...” Blech. MRF. Really? Umum. “The sea-salt is purifying, but now it’s going to be full of crap from Earth it drew out of you and it tastes gross to me. I’ll like it if you wipe off as much as you can." So awkward. This had better not be becoming a thing.
She's not even allowed to make suggestions anymore?
This shouldn’t really be surprising: the deck is level under my feet, meaning we must not be diving anymore, and the only time the ship could have rotated with my noticing is while we made out in the airlock.
Should be 'without', not 'with'.
“Did I...did I make you?” “Hi Daddy!”
Aaaand here comes the mental breakdown.
u/Soren_Tycho [+3] Clothing-optional Spacetime (5 days later)
Okay I have seriously come to live for these comments.
PS (pre-scriptum): thank you for all the orthographic debugging. I don't reply, but it does help. Updates will appear only as new chapters post, however, because of the way my deploy script works.
Today's lesson to me is that if you're going to spend the better part of two years coming up with coherent magical, cultural, and linguistic systems and then actively undertake to use these in combination with slow revelation of worldbuilding to induce culture shock in your reader, you should take care that you don't start taking for granted that they know certain basics of how your magic system works, how slang gets used, etc.
Regarding comments about the Wrath: when in doubt about local customs, regulations, and norms, refer to the actions and attitudes of an experienced local resident (nb I can't help thinking there's a shorter way of putting this). Bonus round: why might our narratrix view the Wrath the way she does? As opposed to the captain's obviously different view?
Other than being a drama queen, which you've correctly noticed.
What else has she reported on that's colored by her viewpoint?
Just Earth, huh? That's interesting.
Very.
Though from the sounds of it producing enough to actually fill glasses would be problematic.
Funny you should mention this. Stay tuned.
I find it kind of hard to believe that there isn't some sort of task force designed to help with extracting humans and their succubi from such areas.
When I thought I had the least clue where this was going, I wrote a scene that was supposed to be the final epilogue wherein the protagonists develop magic that allows the founding of this exact thing and execute such a raid on people who definitely aren't expies of figures from my past. I'll post it if there's demand, but the prose is terrifying and there are stacks of continuity and worldbuilding conflicts now.
adopt
- Indeed, and this is a very reasonable suggestion.
- Early abandonment of problem-solving indicating not-at-all-hidden desires.
- It will be a few chapters yet at least before this pays off, but: evil grin. (no she's not pregnant, sorry)
Because just 'asking' is out of the question, clearly.
What set of circumstances or behaviors might lead to direct questioning being unreliable at least in the short term?
Wait what? "Lost planet"? Not everywhere on Earth is like Jack's neighborhood, surely?
It's probably not spoilerrific if I reveal that out of Earth as a whole suburban Texas is probably the worst place short of an active battelfield to be a lost submissive succubus. This said, before reading this
tailtaildammit, subconscious, I'll write the next chapter as soon as I can!tale, were you aware of succubi, demons, and the existence of Pandemonium as other than rumors and/or dogmas of a certain religion subgroup?Now, if we were on r/rational, everyone would pigpile in asking 'why THAT subgroup'?
Also I'm absolutely loving that you've nicknamed him Jack [1].
Should be 'misses', not 'miss'.
Aforementioned linguistics issue: 'Hench' can be, like 'Sade' and 'cum', a collective/plural noun without changing form. Infernal and irregular forms indeed...
She's not even allowed to make suggestions anymore?
Maybe? The interesting questions here, I would say, are:
- 1a. Whether she viewed what she'd been going to say as a suggestion.
- 1b. Whether anyone else would have.
- 2a. Who or what is disallowing said behavior class (via seemingly inane means).
- 2b. What said class includes.
- 3a. Toward what if any goal.
- 3b. Why she seems wholly unfazed by any aspect of this but the inconvenience and possible imprecation of her 'natural' submissiveness.
- How she's come under this...force.
perfekti as paperclippers
Nope. Also I'm an idiot and the direct explanation comes next chapter and my automated deploy script works too well for my own good so that I don't know what's in what chapter anymore until I proof the posted version. :P As for the Seraphim...maybe. This is kind of assholish on my part since there's no direct information given about the second paperclippe, and so: future chapter spoiler
[1] CBN's refer log just got 1000% more interesting
u/CapnQwerty [+2] (5 days later)
thank you for all the orthographic debugging.
Yer welc'm.
when in doubt about local customs, regulations, and norms, refer to the actions and attitudes of an experienced local resident
We don't really know anything about the captain, though.
The jewelry doesn't tell us anything, since even if it is made of silver/gold (which we don't know), we don't know how expensive/hard to get such things are in Pandemonium.
That she captains a ship doesn't tell us much since we don't know how hard that is to do here or how difficult attaining such a position is.
Her attitude about getting spiked doesn't tell us much since we don't know how reckless or stringently lawful she is.
In other words, we have no idea how well she represents the average Pandemite or how good of a role model she is.
In any case, this isn't exactly the first time the word's been used. Lyra's been using it as profanity the entire story, in much the same way as we use 'fuck' to express a marked desire of malicious intent towards something. Couple that with 'getting spiked' being a form of punishment for a rather serious crime (as well as a decidedly not-serious one), and how 'spiked' and 'the rocks are alive' are directly related, and you get my interpretation of the phrase: impaled by stone spears.
why might our narratrix view the Wrath the way she does? As opposed to the captain's obviously different view?
I suppose, considering what Lyra and Jack went through to get here, she'd probably be rather paranoid about Murphy's Law fucking them over on the home stretch.
Indeed, and this is a very reasonable suggestion.
with over-inflated self-importance I know, that's why I made it.
Early abandonment of problem-solving indicating not-at-all-hidden desires.
Sure sure, he's still in fuck-my-family-and-everything-they-stood-for mode.
It will be a few chapters yet at least before this pays off, but: evil grin. (no she's not pregnant, sorry)
Mhmm. Do I sense incoming orphans?
What set of circumstances or behaviors might lead to direct questioning being unreliable at least in the short term?
Well, sure, short term they're both still coming down from oh-fuck-we're-gonna-die and Jack is in the middle of being culture-bombed. I did recognize that Lyra is being melodramatic here.
It's probably not spoilerrific if I reveal that out of Earth as a whole suburban Texas is probably the worst place short of an active battelfield to be a lost submissive succubus. This said, before reading this ... tale, were you aware of succubi, demons, and the existence of Pandemonium as other than rumors and/or dogmas of a certain religion subgroup?
Ah. So, lost as in 'out of contact with the wider universe', not 'unsalvagable'.
1a. Whether she viewed what she'd been going to say as a suggestion.
The stuff that's been pinging this 'sense' of hers has been largely (possibly entirely, I don't remember well enough to say for sure) worded as, and upon prompting from the sense further revealed as, informative suggestions. So I'm gonna go with 'yes'.
1b. Whether anyone else would have.
There's a rather marked difference in English between orders and suggestions. Take, as an example:
- Careful, the animal bites.
vs
- Don't touch the animal, it bites.
2a. Who or what is disallowing said behavior class (via seemingly inane means).
My guess is a combination of the ritual they did and magical prompting from her house alignment.
2b. What said class includes.
So far it seems to be any imperative statement, though we haven't seen enough for me to say for sure.
3a. Toward what if any goal.
Don't know enough to say here, either.
3b. Why she seems wholly unfazed by any aspect of this but the inconvenience and possible imprecation of her 'natural' submissiveness.
Presumably, this was covered in school.
- How she's come under this...force.
See 2a.
future chapter spoiler
Oh. Well alright then.
...wait.
One's kind of incompetent and has only really been met in fully-grown form the one time so far, though.
Only met fully grown once. They've only met angels period once. A seemingly arbitrary distinction... unless one of the other things Lyra and Jack met during the escape was a nascent angel? But the only things they met were perfekti, which the seraphim killed, that rage demon, and...
My god. Was Jack right? Do all good cars go to heaven? And then get turned into homogenizing intelligences?? Is BAD WLF going to come back as a killer-zombie-angel car?!
u/CapnQwerty [+1] (5 days later)
(seperate post, because apparently the first was too long)
I didn't see anything in this chapter about the mystery paperclippers. All of my still-viable guesses were mentioned again, but none in a relevant context. Did I miss it?
This comment from the last thread:
One's kind of incompetent and has only really been met in fully-grown form the one time so far, though.
strongly suggests that one of them is the perfekti, and, ok I guess? They don't seem to have the capability to be an existential threat yet, considering how well Jack and Lyra, who have no combat training, did against them. I'd imagine any actual combat unit equipped to fight them would win a curb stomp victory, baring an obscenely overwhelming local numbers disadvantage. That's not even mentioning the seraphim, who are apparently anti-perfekti as well.
u/Soren_Tycho [+2] Clothing-optional Spacetime (a minute later)
“Ever since I heard my first love story I began looking for you, not realizing how futile that is. Lovers don’t finally just meet somewhere, they are in each other all along.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi, The Illuminated Rumi
Link to tumblr post: http://sadehall.tumblr.com/post/154266733125/ii3-wham-line
Now with persistent-ish (tumblr's cookies fight me) style options.
Why yes, I do have a pretentious quote for most every chapter, why do you ask?
u/Jello_Raptor [+4] The Last Tool User (19 hours later)
Ooh that was fun.
The only real critique I have is that you foreshadowed the last bit so heavily I don't think anyone was surprised. It's not much of a wham line to the reader if we saw it coming from the second update.
It remains to be seen if it's a wham line for the character though.
u/Subrosian_Smithy [+2] Nudist Beach (an hour later)
Aaah I was hoping you might post this chapter so I could gush at you.
I love this story and this chapter and everything, really.