18 KiB
Share your most optimized [Winter Holiday] gifts!
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Author: u/None *
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URL:
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Score: 17
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Created: 2016-12-25T08:22:49
Post:
[deleted]
Comments:
u/noggin-scratcher [+33] I am a happy tree (4 hours later)
My mum and I did the traditional annual "So, is there anything I can get you?" exchange, realised that neither of us had any real strong wants, and decided on a mutual amnesty to remove the stress of gift-hunting.
I feel like that maximised the available utilons.
u/None [+22] (6 hours later)
The ideal present is something that a person would want but never buy for themselves, so indulgent nice things are often good. E.g. I would never justify to myself buying expensive chocolate or aftershave
Amazon/steam wishlists are also a good method to find things for people.
u/Roxolan [+2] Head of antimemetiWalmart senior assistant manager (14 hours later)
Goodreads too. Even without a wishlist, it's much easier to infer what they'd want from what they rated highly.
u/None [+18] (6 hours later)
r/totallynotrobots
u/ulyssessword [+11] (13 hours later)
In terms of value-for-money, I'd rank gifts something like this:
Best: find something that they would like, but don't know about. Example: I got my mom the Scrabble Word-building Dictionary a few years ago.
Good: get some thing that you know they would like, but they wouldn't go out and buy. This could be either an extension on something they already have (like when I got my brother the next Dominion expansion, or my dad more Vinyl Cafe CDs) or else pure luxuries they would enjoy (like good chocolate or socks).
Okay: generic gifts, gift cards, money, everyday items, etc. This can also be valuable to redistribute wealth among a group within a socially accepted context.
Worse: useless gifts, like tools that are worse than the ones they have or accessiries for things they don't have/want.
Worst: gifts which create obligations that the person doesn't want, like a puppy.
u/Anderkent [+6] (2 hours later)
For my parents and grandparents my sister and I had portrait photos taken and framed. Which seems pretty vain on the first glance, I guess, but everyone was pretty happy. Wish we lived close enough so that we could have taken photos of all of us together, but not really an option.
For one grandpa who's been struggling with sight loss and spending we've got a audiobook reader that seems simple enough in operation that you don't really need to see the buttons. Took some hours to get it working (the software and language packs on their official site needed some hacking) because the simple model we wanted is not being officially sold anymore :P
u/Timewinders [+2] (7 hours later)
I found a cheap projector on Amazon for about $60 to get for my sister. It's a good present for a college student since it's pretty portable and cheaper than a TV. The image quality probably won't be that great, but it's alright for watching movies.
u/Turniper [+2] (10 hours later)
Moving into a new apartment, got some steel mixing bowls and a full knife set. Very happy.
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+3] Champion of Justice and Reason (6 hours later)
Just get people money or ask them what they want. The whole idea of surprising people with gifts that you magically knew they would like is silly. People tend to not be very good at that. It's more thoughtful if you ask them what they want instead of just guessing or assuming. Communication is the key.
u/Anderkent [+12] (7 hours later)
The point isn't to get them something they would never think of themselves. The point is to send a costly signal of caring about someone - I care enough about you to know your preferences and find a suitable gift. This is why a good surprise gift feels good, and asking or sending money subverts the purpose.
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+6] Champion of Justice and Reason (8 hours later)
And if you care enough about them to know their preferences in gifts, that probably means they told you at some point what they like. A gift doesn't have to be super costly to mean something special. And some people are probably better at guessing what people want for Christmas than others are. It's not a direct one to one correlation with how well you know the person or how much you care about them. Maybe you know what they like, but you don't know whether they want that particular gift now. Maybe they already have that gift, or they really want it but don't have any feasible space to put it in their homes. Maybe it's one of those things where they want to learn how to play guitar...in a few years, and they are too busy for it this year and if all you know is that they really want to learn how to play guitar you would be getting them a gift they wouldn't be using until years later.
Also, monetary gifts give the recipient the freedom to choose whatever they wish for for Christmas. The freedom to optimize my gift to whatever I like tends to outweigh the convenience of not having to shop for it in my mind. Plus some people actually like shopping.
u/Anderkent [+10] (8 hours later)
tl;dr: giving each other equal amounts of money/requested items is missing the point of gifts, and you should just agree not to give gifts. Giving unequal amounts of money/requested items is better (assuming the person who receives more is in more material need); people are iffy about receiving material support, and special occasions are a good workaround. But good gifts are more than either, and you shouldn't ignore that.
Okay, so I think I didn't express myself clearly. I'm not arguing that monetary gifts are uniformly bad and no one should get them. I'm arguing about the general statement of "just get people money or ask them what they want", i.e. a claim that surprise gifts have no purpose and people who like them and want to get them are doing it wrong.
If both the gifter and the recipient are happy with a simple monetary exchange, more power to you. But if someone wants to get, or give, a surprise gift, you shouldn't be too surprised. There's solid reasons why they do, even if they might not express them or even be aware of them consciously. Signalling is important.
Giving someone money, or buying them something they asked you to buy, is effectively saying: "i have money, and I care enough about you to spend this much for you". (and if the gift exchange is mutual, it's even less; if the money is in balance it's basically "I care enough about you to order this thing for you"... which isn't much). Depending on the relation between the two people, this might be enough. But also depending on the context, it might be basically useless: both me and my father have enough money to buy basically whatever we want, day-to-day; anything we can't afford would not be a good gift because it'd be too expensive. The monetary and utility value of any gift we might get each other is basically zero; the gifts instead are about signalling attachment and reassuring the other person that we're still in touch with them. Surprise gift says all that the money says and also: "and I care about you enough to learn and remember your preferences, and find a gift of this quality for you", exactly because it's difficult to find a good one.
Addressing specific points:
And if you care enough about them to know their preferences in gifts, that probably means they told you at some point what they like
Maybe, or maybe you've observed them liking it. Doesn't matter, important thing is that you cared enough to remember.
The never think of it themselves thing requires a lack of self awareness or a lack of understanding of what gifts are out there and of what you would want as a gift.
Which is why I've said the point is NOT to get them something they wouldn't think of themselves, I think you read me wrong. Or I'm reading this sentence wrong.
And a gift doesn't have to be super costly to mean something special.
Costly signal doesn't mean expensive. Costly, when talking about signalling, means difficult to fake. Asking someone what they want and then getting them that.. Anyone can do that. It doesn't signal anything, except maybe that you can afford it.
Knowing what someone likes without asking is much easier when you care about them and take the effort to know them well, and very difficult when you don't. Thus it's a good, costly, signal.Maybe you know what they like, but you don't know whether they want that particular gift now.
Doesn't matter, the gift doesn't even have to be useful at all. Again, when giving surprise gifts, you're not trying to resolve the recipients material needs. (and if they do have significant material needs, then you shouldn't go for a surprise gift; just giving them money is a strong signal of attachment in that context). You're reinforcing your relationship by proving that you know them and care about them.
And some people are probably better at guessing what people want for Christmas than others are. It's not a direct one to one correlation with how well you know the person or how much you care about them.
Sure, there's exceptions and edge cases to every kind of signal. And if you're the kind of person who can at a glance tell someone else's tastes, you'll be able to 'cheat' this system. Doesn't mean the general approach is invalid.
Maybe they already have that gift, or they really want it but don't have any feasible space to put it in their homes.
Right; don't give surprise gifts if you don't know someone elses day-to-day situation (where they live, if they have space, what they like). Knowing them well is a requirement, this is why the signalling works. If you get a gift and they don't like it / can't put it anywhere people will correctly interpret it as you not knowing them as well as you think you do.
Maybe it's one of those things where they want to learn how to play guitar...in a few years, and they are too busy for it this year and if all you know is that they really want to learn how to play guitar you would get them a gift they wouldn't be using until a few years later.
Yep, that's the point. If you don't know that and got them a guitar, you aren't very close with that person after all. The system's working as intended.
Also, monetary gifts give the recipient the freedom to choose whatever they wish for for Christmas. The freedom to optimize my gift to whatever I like tends to outweigh the convenience of not having to shop for it in my mind. Plus some people actually like shopping.
And if someone really likes shopping then a shopping coupon (or just money with a good message) might actually signal closeness and care.
u/Sailor_Vulcan [+2] Champion of Justice and Reason (9 hours later)
okay all good points i stand corrected. surprise gifts are a good way to give gifts on christmas, but they aren't for everyone necessarily. Most of the time how much you care about someone is directly one to one correlated with how well you know them. But in some cases there's a person who no matter how long you know them and how much time you spend with them you cannot figure out what kinds of gifts they want, and then you move away from them and then you no longer have frequent enough contact with them to figure that out in the first place. This might be something specific to communication-related and social disabilities now that I think of it. If someone can't express themselves clearly and accurately over a long period of time, then it's harder to get that good of an understanding of how they think and what kinds of gifts they might like. My mom and sisters love me but they have never been able to figure out what kinds of gifts to give me without just asking me, and eventually my mom gave up and just started giving me monetary gifts instead, while my sisters started giving time spent with me as a gift instead. Although the fact that I kinda friendzoned them all might have something to do with that too. Maybe they know it would make me feel awkward because whatever gift they might want to give me might be more than I feel comfortable giving to them.
u/blanktextbox [+1] (14 hours later)
I struggle with a lot of this and your comment has my mind churning through some problems and ramifications, so I'm going to think "aloud" here.
My understanding is that the giver (Alice) wants to have accomplished sending that signal, so the receiver (Bob) has a social pressure to confirm that the gift has done so whether or not it has. Outside certain edge cases, Bob's response needs to establish the success and needs to reflect the degree of success (without falling below a pleased floor).
I see many Alices complain about Bobs being difficult to shop for, so there also seems to be pressure for Bob to give Alice information to make this easier for her to accomplish. Sometimes the trouble is that Bob is too unknowable, having very specific or obscure interests, and sometimes it's that Bob's able to acquire whatever he's interested in; either way it seems to be regarded as a failing of Bob's that he didn't create or leave opportunities for Alice to express her understanding of him.
The system here also extends beyond closeness. Alice might feel obliged to give something to Bob despite not knowing him - even despite having no reason to know him - and so call upon Carol and Dave to receive insight on what would do well as a gift for Bob. This can be done openly or kept secret, and in some ways this is counterfeiting, in others this still signals some degree of caring.
u/Timewinders [+2] (7 hours later)
I agree. My family does this and you get more satisfying presents and less wasted money this way. Of course, it's different if the other person mentioned wanting an item at some point and you get it for them.
u/sir_pirriplin [+1] (5 days later)
If you ask them they might tell you not about something they would really like but something that they would feel good about wanting. For example they might ask for a book that they feel they should own and then not read it.
Instead, recognize that people have preferences that they feel guilty about and try to fulfill them. For a frugal person that feels guilty when they buy something non-essential for themselves, buy them a luxury item that you think they probably want so they don't have to feel guilty about buying it. For a person who hates shopping for clothes, buy them a lot of clothes so they don't have to waste time buying clothes for a while.
u/Frommerman [+1] (11 hours later)
My parents bought tires for my car.
Fantastic present.
u/blazinghand [+1] Chaos Undivided (12 hours later)
For my parents, I got a new set of earbuds and an automatic catfood dispenser (since their cat wakes them up at the crack of dawn demanding food). For my sister, a pusheen mug and a pusheen plushie to join her stuffed animal collection. For one cousin, a young professional, a thermos. For another cousin, a scarf. For another, a different scarf. For another, recently engaged, a picnic knife (and a swiss army knife for his fiancee). For my cousin's young children, age-appropriate books. For my aunts and uncles, various small gifts. Candy, chocolate, and the like.
u/Anderkent [+1] (12 hours later)
automatic catfood dispenser (since their cat wakes them up at the crack of dawn demanding food)
You might enjoy this. Cats.
u/Roxolan [+4] Head of antimemetiWalmart senior assistant manager (15 hours later)
Didn't realize I was on a DIY blog rather than a funny-stories blog, so I thought the long section on welding the ultimate cat-proof container was building up to some epic cat tomfoolery. Alas.
u/blazinghand [+2] Chaos Undivided (19 hours later)
heh, i had a similar thought. Luckily my parent's cat is pretty stupid, but we'll see how it goes. nice flair bt
u/Roxolan [+1] Head of antimemetiWalmart senior assistant manager (15 hours later)
In the past few years, in my family, people send out wishlists in advance (though some are late or flakey), supplemented by phone conversations and a bit of guessing.
I much prefer it to pure guessing. Sure, I have some well-known hobbies, but that doesn't mean I'll enjoy a random product within those hobbies selected by someone who knows a lot less about them than I do.
Well over half the gifts exchanged within my family are books though, so it's harder to fuck up too badly even when guessing.
u/Salivanth [+1] (a day later)
My mother was very clever about a Christmas gift this year. Since we no longer live together, she doesn't know as much as she used to about my preferences. So she asked me outright what I wanted; I told her I could use some gym clothes.
She then proceeded to give me five (!) cheap-yet-functional sets, knowing I'd prefer that over anything fancy. Since I wasn't expecting that many outfits, I got the pleasant surprise of getting something I didn't expect. But, since she asked what I wanted, there was no chance of the gift being a dud.
So, that's my plan next year; ask someone what they want, then subvert their expectations in a pleasant way, thus achieving the best of both worlds.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
I bought my in-laws slightly fancy chocolates. They bought us a drone. We're letting them keep it because we don't really have the spare time to fly a drone :-/.