36 KiB
[RT][WIP] MALEFICENCE
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Author: u/None *
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URL: https://www.reddit.com/r/rational/comments/5zx1vy/rtwip_maleficence/
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Score: 0
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Created: 2017-03-17T11:32:58
Post:
This is a story I started after reading HPMOR and RAZ(Haven't finished either. RAZ cause it's like a textbook, and HPMOR, because I didn't think I wanted to reach the ending. I may recontinue HPMOR one day (I read RAZ almost daily).
I'm posting the story on royalroadl.com
The main protagonists and antagonists are rationalists, but it's a multiple POV story, and not all information may be available to the reader, so I'm not sure it will count as rationalist fiction.
I'll post the synopsis here:
SYNOPSIS:
Lancelot Amon, a 26 year old Nigerian. In addition to possible racism, he has to deal with legalised discrimination based on ability; he was a mundane. In a world where a third of the humans had some form of esper ability or the other, he was completely powerless. Mundanes were second class citizens. But Lance wasn't satisfied with his standing. He was set on acquiring the world and nothing less. Lance was willing to do anything to actualise his ambition ... anything at all.
With nothing but his wits and Rationality to aid him, he'll challenge this unforgiving world.
Disclaimer:
R-18: Contains profanity, descriptive sex, (hopefully) traumatising content, and gore.
This is written as wish-fulfilment. Unfortunately, it's not your fantasies that I'm sating, but mine. The MC would be an Author self insert, and would reflect certain ideals about the author and his philosophy. There may even be propaganda here. The MC is super-edgy and a major asshole. He's a very unlikeable character.
The story is both sci-fi and fantasy.
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10925
Comments:
u/CeruleanTresses [+5] (5 hours later)
Well, I appreciate that you're honest about the story being self-insert wish-fulfillment, but what's the point of posting it publicly if you know it's not intended to appeal to anyone but you?
u/None [+6] (6 hours later)
Well my wish fulfilment isn't all that terrible?
I actually made it a real story.
By wish fulfilment, MC is a character I want to be. That doesn't default into a terrible story.
Just because it's wish fulfilment doesn't mean I'm writing crap; it's still a rational story.
Give it a try?
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (6 hours later)
I'll take a look at it after work. Are you open to constructive criticism?
u/None [+2] (6 hours later)
Very open, actively encourage it even. I'm fully aware, that I'm a noob author.
u/CeruleanTresses [+7] (17 hours later)
OK, I read the prologue and the first chapter. Gonna stop there for now and give you my criticisms so far. I put it in a pastebin because it's long. I apologize for how harsh it is; I chose to be as blunt as possible because you don't strike me as the type to prefer sugarcoating. The overall takeaway is, "Way less telling, way more showing."
I recommend reading Steven King’s “On Writing – A Memoir of the Craft.” It describes a lot of the common beginner-writing pitfalls you’re falling into, and how to avoid them. It’s not the be-all end-all of how to write well, but it’s a succinct and comprehensible starting point, perfect for a beginner.
If there are specific criticisms you agree with, but aren't sure how to incorporate into your story (e.g. "how could I organically introduce this particular detail?"), I'm happy to offer suggestions for you to build off of.
Edit: Just read the author's note for Chapter 2. "I think I'll do a Weiwei chapter when next I'm horny, or maybe I should try Liz?" [Shudder.] Dude, please don't do this. This takes the story from your metaphorical to your literal masturbation material.
If you want to write a porn, write a porn and post it on a literotica site. If you want to write a story, you need to plan out and write an actual story which may contain sexual elements when they serve the plot, not just spontaneously write in sex scenes when you happen to be horny--not to mention making your audience deeply uncomfortable by announcing the fact. Nobody who's trying to read a story about a complex struggle against a powerful leader for rulership of the world wants to picture the author typing it with one hand.
u/None [+2] (17 hours later)
I'll take all of your criticisms.
As for the sex scene, it wasn't hamfisted into the story. The story isn't a literotica, but will contain erotica.
The story used sex as characterisation for the main antagonist.
He's a hedonist and someone who likes to dominate. When I pictured his intro, I imagined him surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women.
When I actually wrote it, I took that out, and sought to introduce an actual plot relevant character; as opposed to sex that may not contribute much to the story.
Chapter 2 is a real chapter, nothing plot irrelevant there. I'm not writing porn, just writing that includes porn. If I ever write sex scenes, they would be part of the story; why I said I'll write an X character chapter when that comes up.
I'll remove the Author's note if you felt it really disturbing. I thought it would be funny. I did put utmost seriousness into writing that chapter. I never wrote it as masturbatory material (it may or may not have been utilised for that after the fact, but it wasn't the intention when writing it).
I'll give you full replies on your criticisms, but I am lost on how to edit the prologue though.
I'm stopped writing, so that I can plan out the general lay out of the story. I won't plan out the ending for now, so that I don't force a particular conclusion. My protagonist may not win, and I'm not writing him as someone who will. This isn't shounen.
u/CeruleanTresses [+3] (18 hours later)
Taking out the author's notes about it being fap material will help a lot, yeah. If the sex stuff really does always serve the story, and you don't give in to the temptation to make it gratuitous, it should be all right.
Having said that, the first couple of paragraphs in this chapter about Weiwei...I don't know if you're going to subvert this later or what, but it comes across as exotifying and dehumanizing in a way that's uncomfortable to read. There's a focus on reminding us that Weiwei is Chinese, relating her Chinese origins to her sexual prowess, etc...it might not be intended this way, but it comes across to me as a fetishization of her ancestry. Consider whether you would have put this much focus on race in sex scenes depicting women of other races. I'm not saying you should change her race or anything, just suggesting you be mindful of how you depict her.
The sex itself goes into a level of detail that I do think qualifies as gratuitous if this story isn't meant to be literotica. I'd suggest paring it down; it should be possible to convey that the antagonist is a hedonist dom with substantially more discretion.
Related: Since you're using the sex as a vehicle to show that Arthur is a hedonist, it's not necessary to have him then explain that he is one in his internal monologue.
As a style note, this is I think the third first-person POV character so far? I would suggest either writing all characters in the third person, or writing Lancelot in the first person and everyone else in the third person. Otherwise it is confusing for the reader. Many stories that are told from multiple perspectives use the second convention, with the central protagonist being the only "I."
Pausing in your writing to outline the story is a great choice. The end product will be much better for it. I do think you should decide on an ending, even if it's one where the protagonist loses. You will be able to arc toward that ending in a more natural way if you know what it is.
u/None [+1] (19 hours later)
I'll decide the ending then, after I'm more than 50% through. I know some victories the protagonist will have, but I want the greater man to win.
I don't plan on toning erotica down though? I enjoy writing the few chapters that will have them.
As for the Weiwei issue, I'm lost? I admit first of all, that I'm not good at writing female characters. It's a first for me.
Weiwei is someone who has her own agendas, and I aiming to become Empress and get Arthur to fall in love with her. Arthur is a means to an end, and she's willing to do whatever it takes. She's playing to his fantasies, his hopes and desires through sex.
It has nothing to do with nationality. She's only Chinese, because China and Russia will be the other two major countries, with their own players; albeit weaker than Lance and Arthur.
It would have been similar if she's Russian(I'd change a few things, but I have a feeling it will come off as objectifying for Russians. I'll take a look, but I don't really understand/see the problem.
Second of all, I want to write Multiple POV characters. It makes character introspection easier, and allows the reader to connect easier with the characters. MC won't get more than a quarter(on average) or a third at most of screen time. At least as of now.
The other characters are just as important. I'm trying not to get into the habit of he's the MC, and start weaving the story around him. I have the major main characters planned out, so I weave around them.
I stylistically prefer multi first person POVs, even as a reader. I feel it let's me connect with the characters more, experiencing the story through their eyes.
At the very least, the 3 main characters are: Lancelot Arthur Roxanne
There are other players, but the winner(s) will be one of these three. The story revolves around these three. There are other characters as well, that will get POVs, but I'll limit it to only very important characters.
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (20 hours later)
You don't have to tone down the erotica if you don't want to, but you should be aware that the current degree to which it's explicit and detailed will make a lot of potential readers uncomfortable. It's definitely skirting the line of literotica--I've read for-real literotica that had a similar plot-to-sex quotient.
Weiwei being Chinese is fine, I'm just suggesting that you be cautious about how you portray her heritage in connection with her sexuality. Fetishization of Asian women is really common, so it's a sensitive issue that it's best to tread lightly around even if you have no intention of fetishizing.
I think it's great that Weiwei has her own agenda and is ultimately aiming to subvert Arthur. Is that going to be something that's clear from the beginning, or a surprise twist? I've always loved the "apparently passive woman was actually playing this guy the whole time" twist.
Even though multiple first person POVs is your preference, it is going to make things confusing for your readers if you stick to that--especially with one of the characters having multiple personas with different names. Generally when people read stories, they mentally assign the "I" role to one specific person, and then they always know that "I" means, e.g., "Lance." So "I" and "Lance" become equivalent. If "I" can mean several different people depending on what part of the story it is, the reader has to remind themselves of that and it takes them out of the story. If you truly want all three major characters to be on equal footing, it would be best to make all of them third-person instead of all first-person, even if you would normally use first person.
I seriously have to go to bed now, but I'll read Chapter 3 tomorrow.
u/None [+1] (20 hours later)
It's supposed to be clear that she's playing Arthur. Arthur comments that the entire sex act between them is flattery.
He's fully aware that she's flattering him and trying to take advantage of him. She also knows he's fully aware, and they both know Arthur can't be bothered to do a thing about it.
Arthur's nature is pride. His pride won't allow him to move against Weiwei. She's not on his level. He doesn't recognise her as a threat. He went into that whole tirade about a Dragon using only a single claw to hunt a burrow of rabbits.
I'll clearly demarcate the gratuitous sex scenes.
I'm not sure I can say Weiwei isn't been fetishised. A lot of that scene was written as gratuitous sex. I just hope it doesn't tick anybody off.
I'll make Weiwei stronger and more confident, to make up for it?
u/None [+1] (20 hours later)
There may be erotica chapters, some of Arthur's chapters may be as such, but it will be few and far inbetween. It'll always have story significance from a characterisation point. But I may make mainly erotica interludes that can be skipped without losing much save characterisation.
I'll consider third person, but a switch won't be anytime soon, until I've dealt with other issues. I won't write the next chapter until I've resolved the remaining problems.
There's only really a division between Anastasia and the other two. I don't have their characters separated enough for them to be different personalities. I think I need to work on that.
Anastasia uses "brother" as opposed to "him", doesn't love Arthur(is incapable of love or something of the sort), but keeps Arthur high on her list of priorities. Is the domineering royal one. The one that is super possessive, and greedy and all entitled.
Katelyn/Alice use "him". Hate Arthur. Attracted to Lance, and more like a highschool girl. They have a high school girl kind of personality. They're also quite mentally young, due to being created later and not having Roxanne's episodic memories from before their incident. They are not as cynical as Stacey, and use less formal speech.
Katelyn is a gamer addict.
Alice is a shut in scientist.
u/None [+1] (17 hours later)
My protagonist is someone that likes big words won't pass? A lot of the protagonist's character was based after how I want myself to be, so I feel like I intimately know him. I do imagine speaking as he did then where I in a similar scenario. I'll work on conveying clearly the atmosphere I wanted. I'm hesitant on removing the word as of yet.
As for 'verily' I just imagine the protagonist speak like that. I myself may speak like that.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (18 hours later)
It's fine for him to like big words, but if you're not careful about the specific big words you choose, you risk the writing coming off as stilted and taking the reader out of the story. Think of the writing as being purely a vehicle for the story; the reader should never be consciously aware of the writing itself, only of the meaning and imagery it conveys. It's like how you don't want a viewer focusing on the individual brush strokes of your painting.
In order to convey the atmosphere you're going for with "pulchritudinous," it might be best to choose a word that means something more nuanced than "really beautiful." After all, my understanding is you're aiming to convey that her beauty is supernatural, inhuman, deific? You might be able to accomplish that by using a word that's normally used to describe the beauty of natural wonders, or perhaps a word that primarily conveys awe rather than merely aesthetic beauty, or even a word that emphasizes the alien nature of her beauty. Or something else entirely--you could play around with it, see what works.
It's ultimately your decision, but I strongly recommend against "verily." Even if you use it in your own daily life, it's going to be jarring for the majority of readers. It's also a weak word that will dilute the impact of your writing.
u/None [+1] (19 hours later)
I'll look at the pulchritudinous. I actually learned that word for the story, another reason I'm using such words; cause it enriches my vocabulary. The word is unlikely to be removed, but more effort will be put into describing the mood and atmosphere.
I promise to go into describing the unnatural deific, alien beauty.
I can't imagine removing "Verily", but that part is getting cut out of the prologue. Prologue will start with Veri's appearance. I can replace it with "Assuredly"?
Thankfully, I can leave chapter 2 and as it is, and focus only on prologue and chapter 1.
I want to say something though. Lance was a normalish person before. It's important that readers understand this, that they don't think he's some born genius. All his knowledge, intellect, skills, etc came through labour.
His style also reflects that. He uses a lot of complex plans with several redundancies and contingency measures, because he doesn't have the self assurance that comes with genius.
He knows he was ordinary and strived to become the best.
I don't want to mislead readers into painting a wrong image about him, due to too much showing.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (20 hours later)
"Assuredly" is better than "verily" in that it's less archaic/stilted, but it still falls into the trap of weakening the impact of your writing. You don't need to use extra words to tell the reader "this sentence is seriously true, for real"--it can stand on its own. Strong verbs will always serve you better than any amount of adverbial fluff. It's not that you can never use words like that, but it's best to keep them to a minimum.
You can convey the complex plans and redundancies, it just means you have to really flesh out those plans and show the readers the redundancies instead of just telling us they're there. You might be able to introduce that tendency of his on a small scale by having him way overplan for something relatively mundane (but still connected to the plot in some way); then later you can have him overplan for the big stuff too. But the whole thing with Trump doesn't work for that, because the reader has no reason to care about how complex some plan was that already happened ages ago and is no longer relevant.
As you're working on conveying in a natural, organic way that Lance's skills are derived from hard work, it might help for you to examine existing works of fiction with characters that share that trait. One example that comes to mind is Zuko from ATLA; if you haven't seen it, he is a "firebender" who lacks natural talent for the art in question and has a lot of insecurity related to that, but makes up for it over the course of the story with hard work and character growth. You could watch some of that, and other stories in that vein, and take notes on how the writers get that aspect across to the viewer.
One advantage to the "expand the prologue into a whole book" option is that you would be able to show the protagonist actually starting out as a normal dude, and then show his growth over the course of the story. It's more interesting that way than having the reader first meet him as an exceptional person, in any case.
u/None [+1] (20 hours later)
I want to write the prologue as a prequel later on. But definitely not now.
"Verily, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." was initially "Truly, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
MC is commenting on the saying: "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and he is agreeing on the veractiy of that statement. He agrees with the saying, and is voicing his agreement.
It's not adverbial fluff.
I see where the dissonance comes from. I'm not trying to strengthen the sentence, but write the MC thinking on and agreeing with a sentence.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (a day later)
What I'm saying is, he can think on and agree with that sentence just by thinking "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Just by thinking that, he's already agreeing with it.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Well, I'm thinking of cutting that part out anyways. I've come up with a working outline. The story doesn't reach closure in this Book, and leaves open the possibility of a sequel series.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (a day later)
It's something to think about not just for that specific sentence if you keep it, but as a general rule of thumb. If you want your character to express agreement with an idea, all they need to do is say the idea. The reader will understand that they're agreeing with it.
u/None [+2] (a day later)
OK. Got it; I will refrain from adverbial fluff.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Well, I'm thinking of cutting that part out anyways. I've come up with a working outline. The story doesn't reach closure in this Book, and leaves open the possibility of a sequel series.
Edit: Scratch that, it reaches what can be said to be a conclusive end, but isn't decisive.
u/Prezombie [+3] (8 hours later)
RAZ?
u/None [+2] (8 hours later)
Rationality: From AI to Zombies - Another work by Eliezer Yudkowsky.
u/CeruleanTresses [+3] (a day later)
Finished Chapter 2. Some thoughts:
As always, less telling. We don't need Arthur to explain to us that his fetish for dominating competent women reflects his obsession with power. Spelling out things like that just makes the readers feel like you think they're too stupid to pick up on it themselves.
The paragraph about how many different places Arthur is wearing the words "Nihil Superbum" comes off as silly. You could maybe have him wear it one place and, instead of him announcing to the reader "this is my motto and this is what it means and I'm wearing it," maybe you could have a different POV character notice him wearing it and leave it to the reader to grasp its significance.
"Bodacious" is a very informal, outdated slang term for something attractive/admirable. It does technically mean what you used it for, but it's jarringly inconsistent with how Arthur normally speaks. From the context, it seemed like your intention was to use a sophisticated word, so I wouldn't have Arthur use "bodacious" unless you want him to sound like Bill and Ted.
It's not worth spending time showing that Weiwei is trying to manipulate Arthur to her own ends unless something is eventually going to come of that. She doesn't have to succeed, but by making a point of her ulterior motives, you're basically promising the audience that she's going to make her play eventually and that this will have some kind of impact on the story. What do you have planned for her endgame?
Liz announces on upon her entrance that they'll be speaking telepathically while feigning mundane conversation out loud (I assume for Weiwei's benefit). But there's nothing to indicate that this mundane conversation actually takes place, which is confusing and seems inconsistent. I believe this kind of exchange is usually handled by putting the "fake" and "real" conversations in the same lines, like so:
"Mundane thing," she said. [Real conversation.]
"Mundane reply." [Real reply.]
Liz, same deal as always about less telling--we don't need her to make a point of explaining to Arthur that she likes dominating competent men. He clearly already knows this, so it's too obvious that she's saying this for the reader's benefit, which breaks immersion.
I'm seeing a pattern where you repeatedly break up the flow of dialogue with the protagonist's internal musings. This makes it more difficult for the reader to keep track of the conversation. I realize that part of rational fiction is showing the character's thought process, but it should be organized in such a way that the dialogue isn't interrupted so much.
Arthur "using Liz as a piece" doesn't seem consistent with how you've said you intend to portray her as being above the game board. Unless she is just leading him to believe that she's a gamepiece? I will see if Chapter 3 sheds new light on this.
It's unclear to me whether Arthur expects Liz to literally kill Alvin or whether he's making a dark joke. This is pretty important to be clear about.
If you want the strategy MMO to be an important aspect of Arthur and Lance's competitive dynamic, I don't recommend just skipping past their games the way you do in Chapter 2. It would be more interesting to see how Lance challenged him and how he defeated that challenge.
I strongly recommend that you do not have Arthur's hair and eyes change color when he's using his Brittania powers. It makes him seem like every teenager's first cringy RP character. The reader won't take him as seriously if you keep this detail.
In the conversation Arthur has after playing the strategy game, it's not clear who is speaking each line of dialogue. In fact, it took me several reads to figure out that the other party in the conversation is Liz. Given that they seemed to have reached an agreement already, that Arthur wants to give the game his undivided attention, and that said game takes eight hours to complete, the reader has little reason to assume he's still talking to Liz or even that she's still in the room. Has she just been standing there for eight hours?
Arthur describing Lance as "strong" seems weird to me. It seems like you're using "strong" to convey competence in general, but that way of using the word seems unnatural. It would be better to use a more precise descriptor.
Why is the "highest caution" taken at the second threat level? What can the first level even be, in that case?
Having Arthur delegate his most competent and trusted subordinates to Lance-related tasks is a great way to organically show that he takes Lance seriously as an opponent...as long as you don't have Arthur announce "THIS SHOWS THAT I TAKE LANCE SERIOUSLY AS AN OPPONENT."
Arthur's description of how intricate and layered Lance's plans are would be more compelling if he used an actual example of how Lance has outmaneuvered him with such a plan. Right now the way he talks about it is too vague to hold the reader's interest. Even better would be having this happen in the actual story instead of Arthur just talking about it.
The months-long time skips are very abrupt. Be mindful of your pacing. (Or is Arthur just describing what he's done in the months prior to the sex scene with Weiwei? It's not clear.)
I was going to read chapter 3 and include my comments on it in this post, but the post is already too long. I'll make a separate post for chapter 3 comments.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
End of Story, Weiwei becomes Empress.
She'll be pivotal during the fourth World War.
As for the Nihil Superbum, I wasn't merely going for a creed, so much as obsession. The character I based Arthur off, is obsessed with being an absolute existence.
Arthur is obsessed with Nihil Superbum. Read chapter 3, and you'll understand a bit more.
I'll explain I'd you ask after chapter 3.
Nihil Superbum isn't just his creed, it's his maxim, his banner, his flag, his emblem, his signature. Nihil Superbum is the oath he swore on the occasion of the Roxanne incident. Nihil Superbum is a reminder of the sun he carries.
Nihil Superbum is his driving force in life.
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (a day later)
I understand that it's his obsession, but that doesn't mean it won't seem silly if he's wearing it all over his body. It's more important to convey it in his actions.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Arthur was describing the months prior to sex with Weiwei. How he was preparing the board for his rematch with Lance.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (a day later)
OK--you'll want to work on making it more clear when you're describing something that's happening "now" and when you're describing something that already happened. Although hopefully your next draft won't include long stretches of characters thinking about stuff they already did in any case.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Arthur using Liz as a piece. Liz is letting herself be used, but there are severe restrictions. She limits her power to a rank 6 esper. Arthur is mainly doing it to keep her entertained. He's keeping her by his side, might as well make as much limited use of her as possible. I might change the wording. Arthur keeps Liz around, to guarantee the World's safety; both from herself, and other sufficiently advanced aliens.
Teenager's cringey roleplay character.
Arthur's creed for Nihil Superbum is based after my cringey roleplay character. I'm 19 by the way, and have roleplayed him for two years? (Lance is based after my ideal self, he draws inspiration from my other cringey roleplay characters.
But the hair is an actual point. The plot is intricately woven around it, and it's definitively of the Brittania's.
It also serves as an indicator of how much of Arthur's abilities he's using.
I could go on and on, about all the plot significance the hair has, but I realise at this point I'm rationalising. Suffice it to say I'll have to redraw the whole plot to rewrite it without the hair and eye changing colours.
Take a look at all the unnatural or rare hair/eye color descriptions I've given.
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (a day later)
I don't think you can both have Liz be Arthur's gamepiece and have her be beyond the board itself. Readers won't take her seriously as a being beyond Lance's power to defeat if she's initially introduced as just a tool Arthur is using. The only way that might work would be if the full extent of her power were a surprise reveal later in the story.
Can you explain why the hair thing is integral to the plot? You can PM me if you don't want to post spoilers.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
I'll edit out Arthur announcing he takes Lance seriously.
I'll change the wording.
Liz's description by Arthur is something I needed to sneak in? It's important characterisation?
The players in my story, all embody a certain sin. You'll see some of them in Chapter 3.
The sin of gluttony, is subject to change. I'll put some thought into it later.
Liz standing there for 8 hours is a plot hole I never noticed. She was watching the duel? I'll go edit that in.
The reason why I didn't have Arthur say anything mundane, was because I doubt my ability at it. Weiwei is one of the players. If she hears Arthur and Liz talking about something, I can't help but do her thoughts on their conversation. It will have to be of just the right balance, to not raise Weiwei's suspicions. I can't think of such a conversation, but I'm sure Arthur can.
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (a day later)
There are subtler ways you can convey that Liz likes dominating and devastating men. She can get a lot of that across through implication. You could even keep the "want to have sex?" "no, because you'd be the domme and I'm not into that" exchange if you made it more subtle.
As for the Weiwei problem: Your advantage here is that, while Arthur only has seconds to come up with a fake conversation, you have as much time as you need.
You could also, if you choose, have him be unsuccessful at not raising her suspicions, and have that come back to bite him when she makes her play later. But I have no doubt that you can think of an innocuous faux-conversation, given enough time.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
No. There is a reason I wanted to be explicit about Liz. I'm introducing her in Chapter, 3.
The effect that came with Liz's introduction wouldn't be there.
I had to get that intro before chapter 3, or delay chapter 3.
Just go read it already; I'm quite proud of my writing there, so please tell me what you think.
"The part about the squealing like pigs, barking like a loyal mutt. Moaning like a bitch in heat"
Was especially pertinent. I was going for dramatism. Arthur went further to...
Just read chapter 3.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Arthur was making a dark joke he doesn't intend for Liz to kill Alvin.
I can't write the game as of yet. I'll add an interlude in a future chapter that is dedicated solely to one match.
After I've had time to design the game and research strategy. Lance is supposed to have read, digested and applied thousands of books on strategy. I plan on reading a lot of strategy books before I go into the war. I want Lance to come off as actually intelligent, not Authorized says so and fails to deliver. (Flamed many novels for this).
u/CeruleanTresses [+2] (a day later)
OK--the joke doesn't come across as a joke the way it's currently written. It might work better if he makes the joke out loud (or telepathically) for Liz's benefit, and she reacts to it as a joke (amused, exasperated, disgusted, however you think she'd react). Readers usually will assume that anything a character says in their internal monologue is sincere.
Doing lots of background research is a great idea. That will definitely improve your story.
u/None [+1] (20 hours later)
@CeruleanTresses : do you think my paragraphs are too long. I'm thinking of splitting them, due to some complaints. However, the current configuration is focused on coherent ideas and trains of thought. If I split up the paragraphs, I have a feeling I'd be having same idea/train of thought trail across multiple paragraphs.
u/CeruleanTresses [+1] (20 hours later)
In most cases I would suggest cutting redundant or otherwise unnecessary lines out of them, rather than splitting them up. I think there are a lot of cases where you could cut most of the words out while still retaining the crucial links in the train of thought.
u/None [+1] (6 days later)
The tentative version of the prologue: https://royalroadl.com/fiction/chapter/123597
u/None [+1] (8 minutes later)
Through the rationalist characters, I try to teach what I've learned from HPMOR and RAZ. And also give writing super smart protagonists a try.