7.5 KiB
[RT][FF][HF] Naruto. The Need to Become Stronger, Chapter 16: Battle at the Barricades (+ personal rant in comments)
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Author: u/Sophronius The Need to Become Stronger*
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URL: https://needtobecomestronger.wordpress.com/2017/05/15/chapter-16/
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Score: 33
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Created: 2017-05-15T23:08:42
Post:
Comments:
u/Sophronius [+36] The Need to Become Stronger (21 seconds later)
The following is reposted from fanfiction.net:
A/N: I just received word that my grandmother is in the hospital. She has always been an unbelievably strong, laconic woman in my eyes, with an ability to laugh at injuries that made me shiver just to hear them described. At one time, she told me she was in so much pain that she couldn't stand for three days because the night before she had crawled around on her (severely injured) knees to turn of the standby button on the TV - because she was afraid it would take up too much power if she left it on all night - and yet she was more upset when I told her afterwards what a stupid thing that was to do. And then she went straight into the kitchen to cook for me anyway, because after all I had come all that way just to see her. Another time, she was operated on her leg, and she spent the entire time (awake) joking with the surgeon about how funny it looked. I don't know if it's because she survived the war or if it's because she grew up differently or if she was just that crazy a person, but I always admired her attitude. She used to say that she didn't really mind pain as long as she has her family - she absolutely hated the idea of being lonely you see, and she was terrified of growing senile and losing all of her memories (she would proudly remind everyone of the endless french poems which she could recall by heart), but pain, pain she could handle.
So of course she got a brain tumor, and now she stands to face her absolute worst nightmare: Forced into a foreign place far away from home, not knowing where she is or what's going on and sometimes forgetting even the names of her own children. Because fuck reality, that's why.
So, this would probably be a good time to remind everyone that we're all living in a nightmarish deathworld, one far worse than I or any other author could possibly come up with, through the sheer virtue of such a thing being real. The sheer horror of it is difficult to comprehend, and I do believe we were evolved specifically to be unable to understand it for the sake of our own sanity - for like a monster straight out of the Cthulhu mythos, it can drive you to despair if you look at it too closely. And yet, you have to remember that these things do not go away just because you don't think about them, as one day they will come for you as well.
I haven't talked about it much, but one of the reasons I started writing rational fanfiction was because I hoped I could help with Eliezer Yudkowsky's efforts to make the world a saner place by teaching rationality through fiction. And my decision to pursue a finance career was partly inspired by the hope that one day I could amass enough resources to maybe help in the effort to fight back against this sort of thing. I dunno. Maybe I just watched too much Naruto as a kid, but the idea of just doing nothing and waiting for everyone to die seems maddening to me.
All right, enough self-indulgence. Thanks for letting me rant for a bit, guys. We now return to your (ir)regularly scheduled weekly dose of fantastical escapism - sorry, I mean Naruto fanfiction.
u/Sophronius [+6] The Need to Become Stronger (9 hours later)
By the way, I thought it might be a nice idea to share my original beta reader feedback with you guys, since the guy really knows what he's talking about and it might be interesting for other writers here as well. I didn't add up implementing this (fragment of his) advice in this particular case because it took too much effort to try and rewrite it all (actually having to publish things is also an important lesson) but I think it's very good:
Re: Naruto's breakdown
Stil, I think you can do better. Add some self-doubt, don’t make a joke of it. This is a significant and defining character-moment. Make it count, by changing it to something like this:
Was he really being cowardly? Naruto’s gaze fell on one of the villagers huddling near the barricades, clumsily clutching a spear and startling at every loud noise. He wasn’t like that, it was a sound tactical decision to…
“Well? What are you waiting for?” Sakura scowled at him, her face distorted in hot anger quite unlike the girl he thought he knew. “GO!”
He went.
It wasn’t a conscious decision, not really. It was more like there were no other choices. Not if he ever wanted to stop Sakura from looking at him like… that. Somehow, facing the enemy was the lesser terror in comparison.
So yeah. I like parts of this but think you can do better when it comes to a] Humanising the extra’s, and b] making Naruto’s reactions and emotions tangible. We have to feel it. Even more: we have to feel something, when reading this. Sakura’s section accomplished this, Naruto’s doesn’t.
Of course, you don’t want to hit the same beat several times in a row, which is a risk when you describe the fighting scenes of each character in turn. One way out would be to, well, NOT describe all of them. You could only do Naruto and keep the other two mysterious, only showing bits of their reactions through Naruto’s eyes, and then later bringing it up in conversation or flashbacks. But that’d require a lot of rewriting.
Alternately, make sure that their reactions are sufficiently different that it is interesting. So far, you’re doing pretty well on that. I liked Naruto’s “I’m not hiding, I’m being smart” rationalisation, and the whole “experience seven times the PTSD with Shadow Clones” thing you had going. (Which I totally predicted!)
Also, you might intersperse some other PoV with the Terrible Trio’s
On the last segment:
Yeah, well. The gist of my comment on this last bit should be clear. A] End with Sasuke. B] Don’t use the Gonzo and Gizmo PoV.
It’s not badly written by any means, and does accomplish the “humanising the attackers” bit I was complaining about earlier, but not very effectively because a] they’re samurai, not ordinary guys and b] they’re a couple of psychos.
Further observations: Naruto was extremely useless here. Now, that’s not unrealistic, but telling it from his PoV would be much more effective. The tragedy would have far more impact. There could be actual weight to the deaths of Inari and Terumi.
Also, you could re-use the theme of the disappearing shadow clones to end the chapter.
“This time, when his clones dispelled themselves, it was Inari he saw falling, through seven sets of eyes.”
All in all, this chapter is an important part of the payoff of all the setup that you’ve done, so it is important to get it right. There’s a lot of good material here, but I think it needs work if it is to have the impact it needs to have. The Naruto bit shows promise, the Sasuke’s section is great, but whilst there’s nothing wrong with Gonzo and Gizmo, I don’t think your story is best served by including them.
u/Overmind_Slab [+3] (4 days later)
Thanks for writing this, I'm enjoying your story. I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother.