5.9 KiB
[D] Rationally Writing 34 - Review of Dark Wizard of Donkerk (Spoilers)
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Author: u/DaystarEld Pokémon Professor*
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Score: 8
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Created: 2017-06-18T05:59:17
Post:
Comments:
u/tonytwostep [+3] (4 days later)
Just finished the story. All in all a great read, certainly one of the better rational fiction stories (or non-rational, even) that I’ve read.
I was actually fine with the travel scenes as a way to show Henry’s character (which seems to me very distinctly different from HPMOR Harry, especially in the way he views and interacts with other people), but I agree with what others said, that it would have helped to plant the seeds for that personality earlier on. Besides a few scenes with his fathers (such as the discussion about going to work for the Sisters), we don’t really get much insight into his character until the last third of the book. Maybe more conversations early on between himself and Nathan (which might also help illustrate why Henry’s so drawn to the princess’s intellect, if her answers and logic are more quick witted than the small-town friend he normally talks with)?
The magic system was excellent; I liked the trifecta of dark-oath-mind magic, and how they (or at least, dark and oath) were just facets of the much deeper and more ancient spirit magic. However, there were a couple mentions to other types of magic (elementalists? eloists? denialists?) that I thought should be removed. From a worldbuilding perspective, including so many systems breaks Sanderson’s Laws of Magic (not that these are hard and fast rules, but I think he has some good reasoning behind them), and from a logical perspective, if these magics are worth talking about, why are they never explored, or seen practiced by anyone in the entire kingdom?
Finally, I didn’t mind the use of a prophecy, especially since it’s essentially the backbone of the entire story. However, the “savior” section of the prophecy never really makes any sense. As far as saving the princess, Harry probably contributed the least there - his father and Sister Marigold help way more than he does in the mentalist realms, his other father and the princess’s spirits in the physical realm, and the princess ultimately ends up saving herself from the villain by her own power. What little fighting Harry does, heavily relies on Ulf-armor and Ventor’s sword, not his own strength (plus, he’s never shown to be much of a fighter anyway). And if he’s the savior of the kingdom, we’ll never know, as the epilogue ends far too early for us to see if he’ll actually have any positive impact.
An interesting twist, I think, would be if the prophecy were rewritten in such a way that it could be interpreted for the princess to actually be the savior. It’s a cool multi-layered twist: she’s her own “savior” (in that she saves herself from being killed by her brother), she’s the kingdom’s savior (in that she saves it from being ruled by a madman, and hopefully improves things with her logical mind and advice from the sages of sages), AND it inverts both classic hero-saving-princess tropes and protagonist-as-the-chosen-one tropes. Everyone expects Henry to be the savior - and its those expectations that pull him into the story in the first place - but he ultimately ends up a red herring, at least as far as the prophecy's concerned.
Again, overall, very well done. Would love to see this potentially published, after some rewrites.
u/DaystarEld [+3] Pokémon Professor (4 days later)
Personally I'm still rooting for "remove the prophecy and rewrite the plot so it's not necessary," but I like your idea too :)
u/DaystarEld [+2] Pokémon Professor (31 seconds later)
Hey everyone! Sorry for the slowdown on these, real life's been keeping me busy. This episode we review Alex's latest NaNoWriMo book, The Dark Wizard Of Donkerk! Hope you enjoy!
Timestamps:
1:12 Magic Systems
9:18 The Twist
15:53 Spirit Magic
20:47 Potential Sequel
25:17 Plot Threads
28:33 Villain
31:49 The Prophecy
u/ODIN_ALL_FATHER [+2] (17 hours later)
I really enjoyed The Dark Wizard of Donkerk. The only criticism I had was that when Henry and Sofia start traveling together I feel like Henry turns into Harry Potter!Rational a.k.a. HPMOR Harry. I found it very unexpected from previous character building and immersion breaking.
u/alexanderwales [+2] Time flies like an arrow (a day later)
It's something that I'll probably work on in edits. Part of the problem is that characterization needs to develop through dialog and actions, and there's not currently that much room given that Henry has his fathers (who taught him everything he knows) or people who he's hiding things from, which makes the needle a little more difficult to thread - and I think that there's already too many chapters prior to Henry and Sofia meeting, so don't particularly want to beef up those sections. I'll think on it.
u/DaystarEld [+1] Pokémon Professor (a day later)
It wasn't quite immersion breaking for me, but I agree that /u/alexanderwales should show some more hints of later-story Henry in early-story Henry when he starts working on edits. Part of it is that we have very few opportunities to see Henry interact with others his age until Sofia and him meet up, so that part of his character may not have even developed until he reached that part of the story and felt the dynamics between the two solidify.
I'd say some of that playful arrogance should probably come out through his interactions with Nathan or his fathers so that it's not quite as sudden a shift from his earlier quiet and reserved demeanor.