7.6 KiB
[RT][WIP][OC] - Paladin Part 1 (Prologue - Chapter 25)
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Author: u/Komikhan *
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Score: 8
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Created: 2017-08-30T20:06:11
Post:
Comments:
u/Teal_Thanatos [+2] (a day later)
Up to chapter six. The main character is pretty irrational, not particularly driven and treats the AI like a potential sex bot. Not sure if I am I reading this just because it was on r/rational.
u/Komikhan [+1] (a day later)
Don't want to defend myself too much, but I want to clarify that in no way will the AI ever be a sex bot. Ever.
Apologies if this doesn't fit in /r/rational, I thought it did but I might be wrong. My goal was to have characters act irrationally for rational reasons, if that makes sense.
u/Teal_Thanatos [+1] (a day later)
thank heck. Still reading at 1.6
u/Teal_Thanatos [+1] (4 days later)
at 1.13 the story picked up really, really well. I was... well, it wasn't what I was I expecting from bad power trip wish fulfillment fiction.
u/Komikhan [+1] (4 days later)
I'm glad you're liking it better! There's definitely a wish fulfillment element (I mean, robots and aliens...) But I was trying to make it not bad and powertrippy. If you don't mind, can I ask what you think the beginning chapters need? I'm planning a rewrite of them soon, so I'd love some feedback.
u/Teal_Thanatos [+2] (4 days later)
The first few chapters seemed to be so quiet. Have you seen Passengers? It seems like you tried to do the same as that movie in the first part, to build a relationship with the character. To make him relatable, to make us want to sympathize... But then he's so smart. but then he had the girl. he's got the AI. He's doing all this engineering... And yet somehow can't bypass the paladin protection stuff. He's still going through with the training.
I can't sympathize. I didn't sympathize with him until after chapter 1.13 This guy is so damned smart. Creates all this technology. But hasn't overcome his shortcomings or played to his strengths. He's so... absorbed into the idea of the paladin suits.
Everything he is doing is related to these stupid paladins and seriously, fuck them, he shouldn't be using them. Not now. Maybe not ever.
He's got a manufacturing center, build a bloody drone army. He's got a very responsive voice command system that's capable of doing a heck of a lot of bug fixing. He's got working drones already. He needs to blitz everything that he encounters or his secrecy is lost. His obsession with the paladins doesn't make sense... except as a vehicle to make him 'fit and sexy' for someone.
u/Komikhan [+1] (4 days later)
This is gold, thank you.
I haven't seen Passengers, but that's the idea I was trying to get at. Isolate him, make him sympathetic. I was very new at this (still am, been writing this for a month now), so it wasn't all that effective. The idea was this guy had a lot, then lost it. Looking back on it, I want him to be going crazy in the beginning and clinging to the idea of the Paladin as a lifeboat, something that he can escape to.
As far as the drone army goes. they'll show up later in the story but they aren't as much fun to read or write about at this point. I like seeing a character doing something, and controlling drones doesn't seem that interesting, to me at least.
I think what it comes down to is something I really should've known before posting this here: it isn't rational fiction. It plays a lot more fast and loose and stretches suspension of disbelief to it's limits. It's kind of like Halo (surface level at least, I know the lore for Halo is way deeper than my story). Does it make sense to focus a whole shitload of resources into developing superhumans? Not really, in my opinion, make more scorpions. But is it fucking cool? Yes. I want my character in an ass kicking robot and by God I'll make it happen. Not necessarily to make him fit and sexy, but because I think robots are neat.
Honestly though, thank you for your feedback, it's really quite helpful. There's definitely some fixing to do.
Edit: oh, and I fucked up about the rank, he was supposed to be a Captain.
u/Teal_Thanatos [+2] (4 days later)
okay, this makes a lot of sense. People do that. But it hasn't come across. If you can get that coming across in those first few chapters a lot of my issues with this are going to go away.
maybe give him a todo list he reads in the morning. 'Get the Paladins ready' 'Get in a Paladin' 'Save the world' Something to indicate that he is so fixated on getting into one. Does he keep one his room? does he have them lined up? Seriously, those first dozen chapters show far more emotional attachment to the autobuilders than the Paladins.
The drives and desires of characters don't have to be rational to belong here. The Actions they undertake don't have to be either. Just the world. -Edit- That's wrong. It could be anything that's rational. Maybe a Rational character in an irrational world. A Rational World with irrational characters, blah blah blah. If there's an element your audience sees and goes 'That's rational' then the juxtapositioning of the rational and irrational can be a story-point/interest in itself. -/Edit-
What is the reason why the suits are so good in comparison to drones. Why a Paladin instead of a drone army. What's he rational reason behind him not doing his engineering to drone optimize. You explained it to me here, now get it into the story!
u/Teal_Thanatos [+1] (4 days later)
Also, why is he immediately bumped to a colonel? I just read that. Had to look it up. Jesus christ that puts him hella high up in the ranks. Is there even that many people of that rank to get into that suit in modern America?
u/Komikhan [+1] (4 minutes later)
Paladin Synopsis (Genre - Sci-Fi):
When the first derelict alien spacecraft fell to Earth, humanity took what was found in it and propelled themselves to new heights. In their new Golden Age, humanity developed technology that they had only dreamed about. The following years saw hundreds more ships crash into the planet, spurring even greater technological leaps.
An unassuming spacecraft, one of the dozens that fell yearly, descended on Siberia in 2021. The world took no particular notice of it. However, this one contained something beyond the miraculous technology that had made humans so prosperous.
Three years later, in a top-secret underground facility in Arizona, the automated construction of an army of Paladin Mobile Infantry Suits was underway. With this new, state-of-the-art weaponry, the military would turn the tide against the alien incursion that was consuming the planet. Humanity fell before that could happen. Sam was an engineer responsible for overseeing the facility. Now alone, he lives in utter boredom and near insanity, his only company the base’s pseudo AI and an army of empty Paladins. With the world gone to hell around him, and the things that caused it still living above, he decides that he is much better off staying exactly where he is. Unfortunately for him, that is no longer an option.