8.1 KiB
[RT][WIP] Delphic chapter 10: Suspects
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Author: u/None *
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URL: https://delphicserial.wordpress.com/2018/01/22/chapter-10-suspects/
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Score: 18
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Created: 2018-01-22T12:11:11
Post:
Comments:
u/None [+4] (30 minutes later)
Delphic is a superhero story about Hector, a young man in Detroit with the ability to see the past and the present. It follows his attempts to leverage this unusual ability to do good in the world while remaining behind the scenes, keeping both his identity and the truth of his powers secret from those who would see him as a threat.
Story threads will focus on several characters as Hector encounters them:
- Hector's sister, Paris, a homicide detective hiding her own power,
- Doc Stevens, a disgraced scientist at the forefront of research on the source of super powers, and
- The exploits of various "Super Teams": government-run groups of supers whose scope of operations have been steadily growing.
You can start reading here.
u/JanusTheDoorman [+5] (18 hours later)
Still really enjoying the story. A few comments:
- Delphic seems to make too many mistakes like the Tran vs. train slip up for his cover as an AI living in the internet to hold up. There's a certain hand-wavy threshold where I'm willing to believe that the FBI, CIA, etc. approach it as "there are way too many suspicious supers to investigate them all, and Delphic's useful so let's see-no-evil, hear-no-evil on the unregistered super who uses methods 'not legally available' to law enforcement", but things like that push the envelope. Of course, there's the plot with the probably CIA plant moving onto his street, so maybe his ID has been compromised.
- What exactly is Delphic's game here? Peregrine characterizes $5M as more than he makes in a month, but based on the previously stated amounts of his bounties, Delphic is probably pulling in ~$5M-$10M a year. What's he doing with it? Even with a pretty severe tech junkie hobby, if personal finances were a motivator he likely could have retired by now. And, again, why the need for secrecy? I had thought that perhaps he was worried about being pressed into service by the gov't or others if they knew the exact nature of his power, but it seems like the feds are more or less able to muscle him into cooperating when they want to anyway, and he's willing to spend extremely valuable time checking in on convenience store robberies gone bad so it's not like he's got no moral interest in helping and just has a cynical, nihilistic take where he's just trying to take advantage of a system he sees as meaningless.
I can think of a few scenarios wherein the world as presented makes sense, and Delphic himself is presumably perfectly aware of all the facts germane to the need both for secrecy and lots and lots of money, but the whole setup starts to verge towards a Sherlock Holmes-esque feeling that the reader is being deliberately deprived of important info for the sake of a dramatic reveal down the line.
u/None [+2] (a day later)
The comments are greatly appreciated. Most of them I feel like I should let ride and just keep in mind as I continue writing.
But I will make one point - I am absolutely not deliberately hiding things that Hector knows from the reader (other than what exactly Doc Stevens did, which is not intended to be a plot relevant reveal in the story but I do want it to have some impact on the reader when it comes up).
My intent has been to give the reader Hector's full perspective as much as I can while still advancing the story. Some stuff hasn't come up yet - some of Hector's other friends, some of his personal history. But I'm introducing these things when they come up, not hiding the ball. At least not on purpose.
Hector does not have some secret reason he needs money; he supports some charities in Detroit (which has not been brought up directly before, mentioned once offhand by May) and pays dangerous people for expensive things (primarily the Doc). You're correct that he has money built up. Again I intend that to be understood by the reader and not a hidden mystery.
I also don't intend there to be any mystery to Hector's paranoia. It is my conclusion that, since Hector's actual power reflects a secrecy leak that is impossible to plug, disguising it is the only way he can expect to remain a free man. Hector has reached the same conclusion. I thought I conveyed that in the text and there honestly isn't more to it than that.
To the extent these points seem either unreasonable or unclear, I would love to hear more. And thanks again for the critique!
Also if I'm saying more than an author should while still writing, please let me know that too.
u/LazarusRises [+2] (a day later)
I really enjoy seeing your comments here--that's one of the things I like best about the /r/rational community, the dialogue between authors and readers. Everything you said above was pretty clear to me, besides the charity thing which makes sense.
u/JanusTheDoorman [+2] (a day later)
Those are all pretty fair responses. I guess I'm just so used to rational fiction driving toward some sort of world-optimization plotline that "hero stockpiling millions of dollars" raised some red flags when really it's just "hero needs to make a living, and the going rate for his powers is in the millions of dollars".
However, if he has no particularly pressing need for money, I'm confused why he's working so closely with the FBI. He seems to expect that they (or the CIA, or some other agency) would either lock him up for the rest of his life (perhaps in a very comfortable prison that looked an awful lot like a mansion in the best case) or assassinate him if the full nature of his power were disclosed. Given that fear it seems almost suicidally dangerous to be interacting with the FBI and other law enforcement bodies on a regular basis.
If he's just trying to hide, then why not register as a super with a limited version of his power - Viewing up to 10 minutes into the past in a 100 meter radius around him or something? I went back to Ch. 5 where it's discussed that Paris is also secret and unregistered, but there's not much discussion of why a person would prefer to be unregistered and risk the punishment for being such. Are supers drafted into service if their powers are deemed exceptionally useful, or do registration stations have a method of determining the full extent of someone's powers?
Maybe I'm not communicating it well but it's just that the full scope of Hector's motivations don't quite seem to add up to me - he's playing a dangerous game by supporting law enforcement with his powers, and if he's not exceptionally motivated by money or else extremely good at maintaining his cover so that the risk is low, I don't see what's motivating him to do so.
u/None [+1] (a day later)
Paris agrees with you on the FBI thing. I may add it to an exchange in an upcoming chapter.
u/JanusTheDoorman [+2] (a day later)
That makes me feel a lot better, knowing that I'm not missing something huge about the scenario, and adds an interesting twist to Hector's character as well as a lot more tension to his interactions with the FBI. Looking forward to where we go from here!
u/signeti [+2] (a day later)
Im quite enjoying this story. MC is interesting and reletable and goes right alongside my weakness for nerdy characters. Really like this support character/secret mastermind wibe you got going. I hope you will keep MC in the shadows and dont try to push him into action.
I have only one worry and that is how you plan to balance his power. In its own way its way overpowered, given that he is not restricted by geography/distance and is able to solve most of the crimes in a few minutes/hours.
Im also a bit disappointed, that you did not make the MC a bit more morally gray. His mercenary like nature would be great to show also villian side of things.