5.3 KiB
[RT][WIP] Inheritors - Episode 7
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Author: u/MegajouleWrites superheroes, depersonalization, and hallway fights*
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Score: 3
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Created: 2018-04-11T01:23:49
Post:
Comments:
u/rationalidurr [+2] If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! (21 hours later)
Didn't see your previous post, read the whole thing now. Its ok. The character is fine, if a bit OP due to inheritance rather than figuring out how to cheat on powers (carry gasoline, set things on fire, use heat, don't burn city)
I am sort of wary of the setting with the whole vigilante hate and shoot on sight the FIS guys seem to do. I know on a sensible level that our own world has plenty of such policies, I just feel a bit miffed.
World building is fine.
u/MegajouleWrites [+1] superheroes, depersonalization, and hallway fights (22 hours later)
thanks for reading it all! i've tried to find a balance between the inheritance nature of his power and him figuring things out on his own and "cheating" so to speak. The later the story goes, the more he'll differentiate himself as he figures out tricks to express his powers in ways Megajoule never did, even if they have the same base.
I should make this clearer in the next episodes, but Houston's particularly bad for vigilante activity, which is why FIS is more shoot on sight, or immediate arrest. In other parts of the country, most vigilantes get a warning: Join OPI/give up vigilante work, or go to prison.
u/CouteauBleu [+2] We are the Empire. (a day later)
Nice first chapter :)
It's Pandahead
That's... a very silly name for the leader of a very serious criminal operation.
u/MegajouleWrites [+1] superheroes, depersonalization, and hallway fights (a day later)
Hey! Thanks for reading so far. Glad you liked the first chapter.
Haha, I agree, Pandahead is a silly name. I suppose that's why he chose it, though. Plus I've always loved the trope of villains being named something innocuous.
u/MegajouleWrites [+1] superheroes, depersonalization, and hallway fights (2 minutes later)
Hello r/rational ! Megajoule here. I shared the previous entry last week during the site wide issues and my comment and post got kinda chewed up. Either way, I wanted to share my serial with you, as I've grown really fond of this board the last couple of months.
Inheritors is about Gabe, a clone of the greatest supehero in the world, fighting street level crime like human trafficking, gangs, and drug runners. The serial deals with some topics like depersonalization (something that I've struggled with in my own life) and how we create identities for ourselves. I'm always open to critiques or thoughts.
If you've never read this before, and want to give it a shot, you can start here at Episode One
u/CouteauBleu [+1] We are the Empire. (a day later)
Feedback after reading chapter 7: I don't really like where the story is going.
Trying to put it into words... I feel the ideologies of the different factions here are too obvious, and presented in a way that lacks nuance.
Like, speaking broadly, it looks like there's something like four factions: the evil sex-trafficking bad guys, the "light side" vigilantes who don't like lethal force, the "dark side" vigilantes who want to get things done above all else, and the Orwellian cops who want order to uphold the law, above personal freedom and sometimes morality.
And it's like... fundamentally, these people don't seem self-aware? On that front, none of the characters felt Level 1 intelligent to me. The Orwellian cops don't seem to realize that they're Orwellian cops, the dark side vigilantes don't seem to realize they're dark-side-ish at all, etc (I'm not putting this very well).
For instance:
“Leave that to the fish, little man.” Krater doesn’t slow his advance. “Why would you even want to go after that? There’s no glory.”
This is a very Anime-ish line; the kind of line you'd expect an Anime character to say to indicate to the audience that they're a One-Punch-Man-style glory hound, more than what actual person who is a glory hound would say.
Like, even if the guy is glory-focused, he should still be able to model other people with different priorities, right? If only to avoid saying the wrong things to fans or to the press? He should have a vague "Vigilante" model in his head, with values attached to it, even if these values are inaccurate and non-sensical ("these vigilantes love violence", "these vigilantes hate order"). I don't think "Why don't you go after more glorious targets" is a question this person would ask.
Also, the parts about human trafficking don't feel to me like the author has researched the subject, but it's a sensitive subject and I don't know that much about it myself, so I won't go into detail there.
u/MegajouleWrites [+1] superheroes, depersonalization, and hallway fights (a day later)
Thank you for the detailed critique, these are all super valid criticisms that will help me moving forward. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. ^ _ ^