10 KiB
[SHORT STORIES] Separation: The Parable of The MasterKing
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Author: u/None *
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URL:
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Score: 0
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Created: 2018-04-30T20:41:41
Post:
[deleted]
Comments:
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (12 hours later)
Wow, such feedback lol
u/ketura [+1] Organizer (17 hours later)
it takes a topic that is already a prickly subject (that of religion in general and God and Lucifer in particular) and does nothing interesting with it. It just changes Lucy's dialog to have big, modern sounding words without any actual substance.
the dialog is obnoxiously flowery. It attempts to imitate a biblical style without even doing that well. There are at least three paragraphs here that are nothing but name dropping drivel or contentless prose.
the spelling is really distracting. Magi is plural (so when talking about one person should be Magus), it's "to and fro", etc. Your formatting is bad (each turn of dialog should be it's own paragraph).
TL;DR it's painful to read due to poor craftsmanship, and once one puts in that effort to look past that, there's not even anything worthwhile for the effort. The idea itself has merit but the execution here is awful.
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (17 hours later)
1: lol i literally wrote this in an hour. 2:magi in ancient hebrew culture and in middle eastern culture describes a king, not magician like people think. 3:how about you pick up a dictionary and you'll see that i did in fact use the words in their correct manner. 4:If I Did such an abysmal job, how about you write a better dialogue. How can you say its bad when you don't even know the context of where these ideas mentioned in the story came from? If you do know, then show me the scriptures that speak of what lucifer says before he becomes satan and what his thoughts and ideas were (and yes, there are verses, read the torah and the tanakh). How can you possible make a judgment like that when you don't even know what i was thinking or how i think? lol you are obviously not a real author of any merit xD I've made teachers cry with my work, I've won many awards as a student in middle school and highschool for my writing. To be honest, i think you're making such unfounded and obviously asinine comments to try and piss me off or to look "cool" like half of the other empty-headed, so called "philosophers" on here; the STEREOTYPICAL reddit user Just because you don't find something interesting, doesn't mean that is what everyone thinks; the world doesn't revolve around you lol.
Think before you shitpost
P.S: You obviously have a bias because if you actually READ the short story, you'd see that the dialogue generally ends for each character at the end of said paragraph, but in some cases it doesn't because the story flows better that way and its not a rule that you HAVE to end the dialogue of a character at the end of each paragraph; that is just fucking retarded lmfao. The structure of a paragraph doesn't have to have the same size and even structure as another paragraph.
u/ketura [+2] Organizer (18 hours later)
BAIT SIGHTED. BAIT LOCKED ON.
1: lol i literally wrote this in an hour.
Ah, the "I was only shitposting" defense. Classic.
2:magi in ancient hebrew culture and in middle eastern culture describes a king, not magician like people think. 3:how about you pick up a dictionary and you'll see that i did in fact use the words in their correct manner.
Hmm, like Mirriam-Webster? You're sending mixed messages here. Regardless, frow is not used how you indirectly claim it is.
4:If I Did such an abysmal job, how about you write a better dialogue.
I have. It's why I felt I would honor your request for feedback.
How can you say its bad when you don't even know the context of where these ideas mentioned in the story came from?
Because the origin of an idea has little to do with its substance or execution. I specifically mentioned that there was merit to your concept here, but the judgement comes from the only source I have available, i.e. the words in front of me.
How can you possible make a judgment like that when you don't even know what i was thinking or how i think?
Because the words are right here. You posted them. It was them I judged. If you failed to communicate your thoughts with everyone you meet, then perhaps the problem is not with everyone else.
lol you are obviously not a real author of any merit xD
You're right, I should troll niche subreddits more often if I'm to become anyone of any powerful writing caliber.
I've made teachers cry with my work
This is too good to not quote back. Surely a writer of such prowess as yours would know not to use phrases with ambiguous meanings during an internet slapfight, when their more overt meaning works against you?
I've won many awards as a student in middle school and highschool for my writing.
I'm sure your mother put them in their place of honor on the refrigerator as was only due a scholar of your magnitude. Spoiler alert: high school doesn't matter, kiddo. College barely does, for that matter.
To be honest, i think you're making such unfounded and obviously asinine comments to try and piss me off or to look "cool" like half of the other empty-headed, so called "philosophers" on here; the STEREOTYPICAL reddit user Just because you don't find something interesting, doesn't mean that is what everyone thinks; the world doesn't revolve around you lol.
I note that while you call it asinine, you only sort-of addressed the third point (and failed to bring any evidence to bear besides "my teacher told me so"). You whine about no feedback, and then you whine that the feedback wasn't someone patting you on the head and giving you a gold star. If you're actually honest about wanting to be a writer then you're going to have to buck up and pay attention when someone actually takes time out of their day to critique your work.
The structure of a paragraph doesn't have to have the same size and even structure as another paragraph.
The issue is that you've got a big wall of text. English convention has each side of a dialog in its own paragraph, to break the page into logical chunks and produce an ebb and flow. You'll note I even did it in this post, which makes the alternating back and forth immediately apparent and breaks all the text into nice idea-shaped chunks. It's more effort than a slapfight deserves, but it does make things less difficult for the reader when he tries to extract my meaning.
That's a writer's job, after all--to communicate ideas from one brain to another. Don't complain when people take one look at your bad prose and decide that if you haven't put in the basic effort to make it readable, that you also didn't put in enough effort to make it worthwhile.
Also, 4/10 bait. Someone's a bit mad if they're going to fly off the handle and delete their post the moment someone doesn't adore it. You gotta keep your cool when fishing for reactions, my man.
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (19 hours later)
Youre a total dick head lmfaoo did that make you feel superior? really? "BAIT SIGHTED" 😂😂 That is what children do. I bet you waited all day to do that Lol. This is why reddit is total trash. Its all filled with sjw cringe and people so full of themselves its ridiculous. See, i could be a sarcastic piece of shit too who breaks others down to make myself feel good, but im an actual decent human being, unlike yourself. You pride yourself on being better than everybody else physically, where people can see it. On the inside, however, youre a lonely, shallow, pathetic individual who runs to the internet because the real world is too harsh and cruel. Hows it feel to be a fucking nobody who nobody could even give a shit about? btw nice try bringing up my mom but shes dead so whos the asshole now? picking on someone who you think hasnt seen or been through shit but i guarentee, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you cant hold a candle to what ive done lmfao youre beneath me. Im done with you and your smart ass remarks that make you look like a fucking retard. Peace bitch
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (19 hours later)
Btw not everything is a "bait" lmfao that just proves that all you live for is tricking people into striking up conversation just to try and tear into them. Lol i still cant believe you really got that excited about how i showed you some attention 😂 fucking pathetic. You really like to project your insecurities onto others because your life is that fucking meaningless, dont you? do the world a favor and off yourself before you reproduce and we have to deal with your cringy, piece of shit off spring. Either that or get spayed or neutered like the animal you are 😂😂
u/ketura [+2] Organizer (20 hours later)
You really like to project your insecurities onto others because your life is that fucking meaningless, dont you?
u/Amonwilde [+0] (17 hours later)
Magus/magi: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/magi
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (17 hours later)
Yes, but THEY WERE ALSO KINGS YOU ILLITERATE FUCK
u/KingBarnOwl97 [+1] (17 hours later)
Pick up an actual fucking dictionary instead on using the internet for everything. When i was in highschool, there was an instance that our teacher talked to us about and showed proof that dictionary.Com is just some 3rd party site with no credibility and was even hacked once with malware and viruses. Nice try shitlord.
u/ketura [+1] Organizer (18 hours later)
u/Amonwilde [+1] (a day later)
How about the Oxford English Dictionary? Here's a pastebin of the entry for "magus."
If you're in college or know someone who is you should be able to get access to the OED through the university's databases. All the best.