6.3 KiB
Roulettenburg Nights - Chapter 1: No Game; No Life
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Author: u/That2009WeirdEmoKid *
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Score: 25
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Created: 2018-06-19T16:09:57
Post:
Comments:
u/SimoneNonvelodico [+9] Dai-Gurren Brigade (3 minutes later)
Haven't read it yet, is this a No Game No Life rational fic?
u/That2009WeirdEmoKid [+4] (9 minutes later)
Nope, just heavily inspired by the premise. Less power-fantasy, more focused on worldbuilding, and all taking place in a single city. This is the second time someone's told me this so I'm probably changing the chapter title in the near future.
u/SimoneNonvelodico [+14] Dai-Gurren Brigade (2 hours later)
Well, it's not just the title, the premise of violence being forbidden and all matters being settled by magical games is also a dead ringer. Might as well just acknowledge it as an homage/inspiration in the synopsis or in a preface, or people will think you're plagiarizing.
u/nipplelightpride [+3] (6 hours later)
Referencing another work might be cute for a later chapter, but just confusing for the first of a new story
u/xland44 [+2] (3 hours later)
Yes, please change it. Ripping off titles tends to be frowned upon.
u/Nimelennar [+8] (9 hours later)
Very nice.
The world building shows through really well for a first chapter, and your character descriptions get across exactly who we're dealing with.
Something to be careful of: the prose gets a little purple in places. Now, don't get me wrong; I like purple prose. But there's a time and a place for it.
When you're describing a dazzling place like Roulettenburg, going into extended metaphorical imagery suits the story well. At other times, it's distracting, like "An intrusive aura of malice saturated the room with its crushing weight, seeping outwards from Mister Astley and crawling all over Leo’s skin."
It's just too much; I have no idea how Leo feels at the end of all that.
But, again, where you're describing the actual city, the imagery and metaphor of the descriptions convey how impressive the city is quite well.
I'd also tweak that back-cover synopsis you've given. To be blunt, it sounds more like you're trying to imitate a generic synopsis than trying to actually sell your story to a prospective reader, and so the description comes across as trite, and the story as probably uninteresting (I was pleasantly surprised when I started reading it and it turned out to be so well-written).
This is a story about gambling; how about having your synopsis hint at the stakes?
I quite enjoyed this first chapter, and I'm especially impressed that I don't know whether Leo is going to win or lose this first game. The first few chapters of a story are meant to break the status quo of a character, and either being left temporarily destitute or learning he's enough of a gambling prodigy to beat an experienced card shark would accomplish that.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter; keep it up!
u/That2009WeirdEmoKid [+3] (12 hours later)
Thank you! That line in particular was one I considered removing because you're right, it does feel too vague. I usually write simpler prose, so I'm still learning when to amp up the purpleness and when to reel it back in. As for the synopsis... yeah, it's terrible. I wrote it with little thought put into it, but my intention was for it to be a generic place-holder while I come up with something better. Again, thanks for the feedback. One of my goals was to make the outcome as uncertain as possible so I'm really excited that I managed to accomplish this. Hopefully I'll won't screw up further along!
u/That2009WeirdEmoKid [+5] (6 minutes later)
Premise:
In the city-state of Roulettenburg violence is non-existent and everything is settled through magical gambling. When Leo, a low-born tutor for a noble family, visits for the first time with his patrons, he realizes that not only does he love gambling, but that he can finally pursue the one desire burning in his heart. Unfortunately, fate has other plans for him in this tale of friendship, teamwork, addiction, and love.
If anyone's interested, I'm gonna post the second chapter this Friday at around noon EST. One of the most common complaints when I post here is that my stories don't have enough munchkin moments even though they have rational characters and themes. I think it's because my settings, despite being internally consistent, often border on the irrational, so this time around I'm going to focus on world building something with rigid rules that can be exploited in fun ways. So yeah, if anyone has any questions about the setting feel free to ask!
u/xamueljones [+2] My arch-enemy is entropy (9 hours later)
You've written other stories? What were they? This was an excellent chapter and I'm interested in reading more works by you.
u/That2009WeirdEmoKid [+2] (11 hours later)
Yes! They're all in my subreddit, /r/WeirdEmoKidStories. You can find all of my short stories there and also my book Lain's Number, if you're interested in a really unconventional horror-fantasy. I've been told it's very easy to binge. Fair warning, I've improved a lot since finishing it last year and I'm currently in the middle of editing it, so I can't promise it being up to my current standards. There's also the fact that it touches on some sensitive topics that I don't feel I handled as well as I could, but a lot of people still enjoyed it, so maybe this is just me being an insecure perfectionist.
u/Zephyr1011 [+1] Potentially Unfriendly Aspiring Divinity (3 days later)
I really enjoyed this! I think you did a good job of making Leo an interesting person to be inside the head of. Definitely interested in more chapters!
Does anyone know if there's a way to get email updates when this story updates?
u/ashinator92 [+0] (11 hours later)
Please tag [RT] or [RST] appropriately.
Or mention in the title its not a rational fic