5.5 KiB
[RT][WIP] Blood, Bone, Breath and Bile - Chapter 1
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Author: u/VilhalmFeidhlim *
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URL: https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3326461/1/Blood-Bone-Breath-and-Bile
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Score: 52
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Created: 2018-06-25T23:06:15
Post:
Comments:
u/Nic_Cage_DM [+13] (3 hours later)
This is a really strong start. Plus, I've always had a soft-spot for skelly-wizards.
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+3] (14 hours later)
Thank you! I hope to deliver more of that in the coming chapters.
u/1337_w0n [+10] (an hour later)
Ok, I like this. The in medias res opening is a little confusing at first, but it works and it gets the attention of the reader.
I can tel that our protagonist is at least slightly paranoid, but I'm not sure how confused he is at his predicament. Am I right to anticipate that the next chapter will start with a look in the mirror and some more background? (Or failing that, then directly after contactingthe police?)
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+6] (an hour later)
Thanks! I recognize that there's a lot of exposition to go along with any constructed fantasy world, so I wanted to introduce everything pretty quickly. You are correct to assume that, yes, there will at least be a short period of calm in order to establish background, context, etc.
Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed!
u/None [+5] (9 hours later)
Please keep this going. This is awesome! There are too few magic systems based in biology, which is a shame because biology is awesome.
Great work!
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+3] (14 hours later)
Thanks! I admit, my knowledge of biology is limited to what I can look up online and what I can remember of secondary school, but I hope to deliver something interesting nonetheless.
u/None [+3] (23 hours later)
Perhaps you should consider getting a beta reader well versed in biology, or maybe starting some kind of chat room (are chat rooms still a thing these days) with a few biologists to brainstorm biologically plausible ideas? There are probably plenty of biologists kicking around this sub-reddit; I can´t be the only one! Edit: Also, it was pretty clever of you to pick a bone wizard as the main character then; that´s probably the most interesting specialization that can do the most fun things with limited author expertise.
u/Dmuffinman [+3] (a day later)
Also a Biologist! I am willing to help if you need it.
u/efd731 [+3] (21 hours later)
Just a suggestion, but when discussing “the surgery” at the beginning maybe mention that as an bone mage he gets along with or complements /disagrees with or naturally conflicts with /doesn’t have much to do with the other schools of magic to sorta get the names and concepts out there
Edit: no I’m not just suggesting this because I’m intrigued and want to know more about the setting :p
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+1] (2 days later)
Not a bad idea, thanks. I kinda wanted to trickle the information out, give the audience something to latch onto even if the plot seems confusing or whatever, but giving out that nugget at the beginning sounds like a good idea.
I'm glad you want to know more!
u/None [+3] (4 hours later)
Nice start. I like how it's looking so far.
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+2] (14 hours later)
Thank you!
u/1337_w0n [+3] (47 minutes later)
Typos:
"amusing to trap in a psychedelic haze" trap what?
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+3] (an hour later)
Amusing to trap Aswen himself in a psychedelic haze, sorry.
Thanks for pointing that out, will get round to revising that soon.
u/Kachajal [+1] (a day later)
Good start, but this was barely enough to whet the appetite. Hopefully much more is coming soon.
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+2] (2 days later)
The next chapter is mostly written, just need to finish up and edit to make sure it's not a confusing mess to read. Looks like it'll end up a fair bit longer than this chapter, too!
u/TofuRobber [+1] (2 days later)
I'm curious. It's mentioned that the protagonist (and mostly likely many others) strengthened their bones, but does that translate to strengthened bodies. Does having a strong skull mean the protagonist is protected from brain damage? Assuming that this world follows the natural rules of our world (see NFL players and brain damage) it doesn't.
Whatever the case is, it might be something for you to consider if you haven't while you continue to expand your world building/characters. Either it's something that we as the readers shouldn't worry about (suspension of disbelief or adequate explanation for why that's a non-concern) or it's something we should worry about but that the character is unaware of (a flaw in the character's assessment of the dangers they could face).
I'm aware this is only the first chapter and am looking forward to how you continue the development of this world.
u/VilhalmFeidhlim [+3] (2 days later)
Oh, sorry, that's probably something I should have made clear - the damage I was referring to was mainly a broken nose/skull - the whole brain-hitting-the-skull thing still happens, he still sees stars and can be knocked unconscious and such when hit on the head. I'll go back and make that clearer at another point.
Thank you for the advice though! I think it's already come in handy for a point I was considering in this next chapter. Thanks for reading.