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[WIP] Decagon - Act 2 - Chapter 1
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u/narfanator:
Fake Edit: Ah. Totally missed the other 7 chapters. I'll be back again once I've ready those, but first... NOPE. Try again. This entire chapter is full of "tell not show" and "predictable archetypes". You've definitely got a few goings for you so I DEFINITELY want to see you try again (whether that's the next chapter or a rewrite is totally up to you - maybe some more chapters and then a later rewrite?), but for the most part - nope! Anyway! Here's what I think you did well / really well: - Your prose (I think that's the word?). You put words together well. This might sound trite, but it's not; I like your sentences and god knows there are printed authors who put words together like nails on a bad violinist. - The last bit, specifically, the very last line. Nice! That's characterization, plot hooks, and a nice twist all in one. - Carl! He's going to die, he knows it, and he's fantastically resigned, but still frightening and disturbed. Love it. Here's some specific things I think you can definitely do better: - Some sentences don't follow each other well. Sentences two and three are a good example: even after a third or fourth read, the "and" in the second sentence /not/ leading into the second item is really weird. - Power mystery teasing. Canis isn't scary or mysterious because of her power, but because she's a fucking crazy nine-year old. Show me the power earlier and disturb me with its use. Conversely, amp up the cockteasing on Carl's power - think Calvin and Hobbes' "Noodle Incident". - And the biggest one: I do not believe she's nine. I do believe she's a psychotic teenager possessed of a morality warped by deadly privilege, but I don't believe she's nine inside. Honestly, just drop that line entirely. I like the character, I like the implications of her past, present and future. I think you have a solid narrative player in Canis. Drop the justification for her morality and actions and just let the character speak for herself, and she will, because you built her well. Also, still not rationalist. Your characters (ALL of them, even Carl!) need clear, pursed goals that they are incredibly certain of, obstacles to those goals, and the application of rationalist techniques (or at least normal smarts) towards those goals - I have no idea what Canis wants. I have no idea why she expects that her actions will result in her getting what she wants. For me to think that she's smart and /thinking/ about the world, I need to know (and believe) /why/ she thinks that her actions further some goal or agenda, I need to know that she has thought about alternatives and consequences, and I need to know that she selected these courses of action with deliberation and certainty. (And, to come round to the main point at the top - don't just tell me these things! Demonstrate them!) -
u/narfanator:
Ok, the /other/ chapters... - There's mystery and the viewpoint character recognizes this and *actively dismisses it*. - She says she hates the headphones, and then she's putting on her headphones? You implied they were going to her locker to get something to alleviate the need of or hatred for her headphones. - *Programming does not work that way*. The difficultly of your problem does not go down, what, three orders of magnitude? In one sitting? And he doesn't even test it! And what did he do in class if he *didn't* implement it? Implementation is the hard part! And he's, what, flummoxed? by his own sudden genius? Where's the joy, the eureka, the elation? I'd expect a mix of emotions - happy ones at the surprising success, worried ones at first his locker mate and now his genius... - Read about this trope: [Stuffed Into The Fridge](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StuffedIntoTheFridge)... and stop doing it. You have characters that exist merely as targets for the characterization of the main characters. Charity graduates from this, but not in a way that makes sense. Everybody should be able to exist out side of the situation you needed them for. I'm actually going to stop here. I think I'm picking up on the common aspect of the things I'm critiquing, and I think I can name the causal root - In most chapters, you've already decided what you want to happen, how you want the characters to respond, and what you want to have changed in the world when you're done. You're not always letting what happens arise organically out of the situation and characters you've created; you're forcing it. And thus, characters do things that don't make sense - like sticking around your rapist. That all said, I do want to a) congratulate you on writing stuff and putting it out there! Holy shit! And then b) compel you to remember that *you are actually writing stuff and putting it out there*. I'm just the jackass with opinions on the internet - you're the *writer*. Seriously, that's awesome. So finally, my amateur recommendation is to do.... nothing different. Seriously! Keep going and only look back a little bit. Explore what happens when you try this or that, and it doesn't matter if something's bad or doesn't work as long as you're paying attention and noticing what happens as you play around. I spin fire (as in Burning Man) and I sometimes teach people how to do it. There are two things you always "teach" early on: Hitting yourself and the "ground stall" (aka, dropping it). You do this so they directly experience what happens when you make a mistake and realize... it's not bad at all. So, keep going! Make mistakes. Make successes. Then, in a couple months, come back, re-read it, and you'll *really* be able to learn from *both*.