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72 lines
4.4 KiB
Markdown
72 lines
4.4 KiB
Markdown
## Old Friends- Chapter 2 of Book 3 of Harry Potter and the Natural 20
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* Author: u/Zephyr1011 *Potentially Unfriendly Aspiring Divinity**
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* URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/56/Harry-Potter-and-the-Natural-20
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* Score: 25
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* Created: 2014-07-26T14:15:19
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### Post:
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[Link to content](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/56/Harry-Potter-and-the-Natural-20)
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### Comments:
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> **u/cae_jones** [+3] (an hour later)
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>
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> I have only one complaint: the story is now split up among so many different settings that we can get a nice, full chapter like this one, and it feels shorter by virtue of it being mostly short, connected-but-not-immediately scenes.
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>
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> It could be worse. It could be the seventh and eighth books of the Wheel of Time, which have the exact same problem, but feel longer for it.
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>
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> This is helpful in a way; one of my stories gets similarly disconnected, and how to make that work for the audience has been bugging me for ages. Who better to learn from than a professional munchkin?
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>
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> (I really like the Luceus/Riddle scene! I like the others, but this one particularly sticks out as clever. I'll reserve comment on Hanna's magic hamster until we get back to it. In the mean time, I'll go looking for previous hints that might explain its plot-hook-if-I-ever-saw-one behavior. )
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>> **u/eaglejarl** [+1] (5 hours later)
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>>
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>> The hamster seemed...surprising...to me. We were told originally that the hamster is an Unseen Servant with some illusion over it and a Detct Thoughts to choose the details. Unseen Servant is mindless, so I'm not clear on how it can be doing what it's doing. Unless Milo lied about what it was, or didn't mention some details.
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>>
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>> And yes, I'm with you on the "too split up" issue. The whole subplot with Bellatrix always seemed like an unnecessary distraction from the main story; I'm sorry to see Milo back in his own world, instead of munchkining the Harry Potter world. Then again, Sir Poley is a great author and he's been leading up to this for a long time, so I'm sure I'll end up enjoying whatever he does.
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>>> **u/None** [+2] (21 hours later)
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>>>
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>>> Boccob is the god of magic.
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>>>> **u/eaglejarl** [+1] (a day later)
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>>>>
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>>>> Yes, I know. What part of my comment are you responding to?
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>>>>> **u/None** [+3] (a day later)
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>>>>>
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>>>>> Sorry, wasn't clear enough.
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>>>>>
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>>>>> > I'm not clear on how it can be doing what it's doing. Unless Milo lied about what it was, or didn't mention some details.
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>>>>>
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>>>>> The spell is not doing what it is supposed to do because god of magic can use backdoors to override spell behaviour. So he can make the hamster do whatever he wants.
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>>>>>
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>>>>> Also, i had this thought only because I read Two-Year Emperor, where gods are actually important part of equation, so thank you.
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>> **u/alexanderwales** [+1] *Time flies like an arrow* (2 days later)
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>>
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>> The story splitting up is definitely a problem. I once tried to write a novel how Stephen King purportedly wrote "The Stand", which is to write a viewpoint character, end the chapter/scene on a cliffhanger or revelation of some sort, and then introduce a new character. In the end, there was the soldier who went touring with his prototype robot from the future, the detective who was trying to solve a murder that hadn't happened yet, the writer who was coming back from a colony on Mars, the junkie whose time travel get-rich-quick scheme had fallen through, the teenage girl who'd gone back in time to save her father, the young guy whose plans to travel back to Edo Japan had been dashed, and probably one or two others.
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>>
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>> I worry that this story is heading in a similarly unorganized direction, but Sir Poley has done quite a bit to gain my faith, so I'm willing to continue reading.
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> **u/None** [+3] (6 hours later)
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>
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> The long wait makes it very noticeable how much the writing has improved since chapter 1. This is very good.
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> **u/Ulmaxes** [+1] (2 days later)
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>
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> Regardless of your D&D class leanings, everyone has to respect a wizard without his spellbook who's still marching towards danger.
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> Either he's A. inexperienced, B. stark-raving mad, or C. something akin to a Force Of Nature... and ***Boccob help*** whatever gets in his way.
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>
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> Milo has a really good chance of being one of the last two.
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> **u/None** [+1] (5 days later)
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>
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> I wonder how deliberately the author thinks about the construction of each sentence. He has the voice of a bestseller down.
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---
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